178 points

Is this a parody, or did someone actually brag on twitter about having sex? I honestly can’t tell what’s satire any more.

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133 points

Could be either way, honestly. He’s a fundie who bragged about remaining a virgin until marriage. He finally got hitched to a former Miss Universe of all people, at age 32 or something.

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96 points

Miss Universe

That shit’s so rigged. Always an earthling. SMH

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31 points

Yeah, pretty much don’t stand a chance unless you’re a featherless biped with two boobs.

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12 points

Well who else would win, a vogon?

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-1 points

Well who else would win, a vogon?

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16 points
-25 points

The other posters replying to you are as bad as the clickbait links they posted. I’m not about to go searching this guys social media, but this image or quote it wasn’t in either link they shared.

What the fuck is wrong with you posters? Not answering the question and posting a link to a news article that also doesn’t answer the question? Fucking don’t wast my time jesus.

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29 points

jesus

Jesus was not there.

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5 points
*
Removed by mod
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26 points

The whole of the internet to figure out if something is factual or not and yet you demand someone else does the thinking for you

No wonder AI will replace us so easily

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1 point

No, I “demand” that they don’t post in a way that implies the thing is real with links when the links don’t contain that information.

I will admit I’m being a grouchy ass. Sorry I’m taking my frustration out on you guys.

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1 point

Us nothing, him, maybe.

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13 points
*
Removed by mod
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3 points

Tim Tebow is a super Jesus freak, but he does a ton of good work in a world full of selfish pieces of shit…

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3 points

I have no idea who he is. I’m just mad at the world wheeee

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2 points

Omg the logic in this comment is miraculously inconsistent. I’m honestly impressed with the fact that this came into your brain, proceeded to flow out of you into the keyboard, and not once did you stop yourself to think “wait a second, does what I’m saying even make sense?”

Congratulations. This is probably the dumbest comment I’ve read in months 👍

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69 points

Like a sea turtle trying to get up on a raft.

What a mental image. Brain bleach, stat, please.

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8 points

I’m still chuckling over this.

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6 points
6 points

That’s not helping…

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1 point

Might help some turts get in the mood?

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3 points
*

I was at the zoo a few years ago when Aldabra Tortoises were fucking. It was that but a few octaves lower, and you could hear it from the start of the section. If you imaging what a large turtle fucking would sound like in some dumb sex comedy movie, it was exactly that.

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1 point

Hahaha. I equally want to and don’t want to experience that. Thank you for describing it. Much appreciated.

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66 points

He had THE Sex. You know the one sex you get in your life and then never again.

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-13 points

Considering sex dries up after marriage it’s pretty accurate

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26 points

Only if you don’t keep working at your partnership and are just there for the comfort of not being cosmically alone, sure.

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7 points

If anything I feel like it got better after marriage.

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57 points

God was there

In the corner

Quietly jerking off

Then cumming over the two of them

God is a kinky dude, I like him.

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34 points

“And the Holy Spirit came upon them…”

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11 points

Would you call that a blessing?

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2 points

I want your blessings all over my face

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2 points

Sack-ra-ment?

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3 points

Can you feel the Holy Spirit inside you?

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14 points

He was on the cuck chair

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2 points

He got that woman pregnant once before her husband had even had a go.

From prima nocta to prima knocked-up.

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1 point

And God was there!

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43 points
*

Just keep in mind God doesn’t think anal and oral sex (hopefully not in that order, but no shame you do you) counts according to some religious people i met.

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33 points

The legends of the poophole loophole are still spread to these days.

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22 points

He’s definitely okay with oral. Provided you swallow.

There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.

– Mark 7:15

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9 points

Damn! Mark was one kinky motherfucker.

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2 points

He hung out with a bunch of dudes and the main guy’s beard who was clearly just a prostitute he was paying to make the whole thing look legitimate. I mean obviously he’d be into this stuff.

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11 points

My understanding is that anal and oral are “wrong” in the same way masturbation is, it’s spilling your seed outside of sex for procreation.

But like, clearly a tier better than premarital sex so…

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15 points

If you believe Jesus, even looking at a woman with lust in your heart is equivalent to full-on adultery, so no tiers. Many Christians actually believe that and, for example, would treat discovering a partner watching porn as if they’ve discovered the partner cheating.

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10 points

That also isn’t the moral of that story, despite what they tell you in Sunday school. Onan was punished because he didn’t want to impregnate his brother’s widow, which would have legally given his late brother an heir rather than Onan inheriting the property. Look up “levirate marriage”.

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4 points

No one talks about the follow up to that story, where Onan’s dad Judah is like, “shit! this woman is trouble! I can’t lose my last son!” He basically tells Tamar (the widow) to go back to her dad, blows her off.

Tamar gets sick of it, goes into town, disguises herself as a temple prostitute. Judah comes to town, asks what it costs for a roll in the hay, and she asks for his family’s token so she’ll know he’s good for it.

She ends up pregnant, and the elders of the village bring her before Judah - “hey, your daughter in law was a whore and got knocked up, we are putting her to death.” He says, “who knocked you up?” - she produces the family token. He says “ah shit, you got me.” She has the kid, gets the inheritance. Depending on which gospel, she could be Jesus’s great (x a bunch) grandmother.

Like Genesis outright recognizes what she did as right. She’s the hero of the story.

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1 point

The wording could just mean he pulled out.

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1 point

I’ve always wondered where the word “onanist” came (lol) from… I’m guessing from this fairy tale accurate historical account of genuine events.

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2 points

They’re both considered sodomy

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1 point

Which is wild because that’s like the least bad thing the Sodomites were up to (and Lot’s whole family was pretty fucked too). But people will latch onto the flimsiest justification that reinforces their beliefs, in this case “gay dudes are icky.”

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7 points

according to some religious people i met

🥴

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1 point

Known Biblically

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1 point

This is so uninformative you would have been better off not saying anything at all.

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