FUCK YOU, IT’S JANUARY FOREVER

Of course not. I’m a law abiding citizen, I’m not smart or sexy enough to commit copyright infringement.

You used to be able to get a mecha for a five cents. Gimme a mecha for a nickel, we’d say. We didn’t have actual mecha (because of the war) so we used jam jar lids instead. Now one time Puddinhead, his name was Gerald Brown but everyone called him puddinhead because he had this hat that looked like a pudding cup. I don’t know where he found it. Maybe he made it, which, in retrospect, was really neat. We were a little too hard on old Puddinhead. Anyway…

Brange New Worlds

Every sperm is sacred

OG breadstick quality depends on a couple factors:

1. Who is running the bread oven. Some people suck. Some people give zero shits. Sometimes the bread person is having a bad day.
2. How long the bread has been off the truck. Our breadsticks come par-baked and frozen. If they don’t get a chance to thaw (like when we’re busy and moving thousands of breadsticks an hour) you have to chuck em in the oven frozen, which means you have to get the outside way too done to get the inside up to temp.
3. How long the bread has been sitting in the warming drawer. The Right Way™️ is to turn bread over every 15 minutes so it’s always fresh, but we don’t do that for a few reasons: food waste = lost profit, so we only do that when a corpo is coming, and more importantly you people act like we killed your dog when you have to wait more than a couple minutes for absolutely anything. I have seen bread sit in the warmer for hours, at which point it gets dry and tastes like cardboard. But we’ve all come to the silent agreement that having too much mid bread is better than having not enough decent bread.
4. Sometimes we switch bread suppliers. I do not know why. Sometimes the bread is better. Sometimes the bread is worse.

All of this to say OG is in fact mid as hell, but it kind of has to be mid in order to be the restaurant that it is.

I mean they have been talking about a “sovereign wealth fund” (yeah, right), they could use that as a cover to acquire oil companies and then pump all the money into their own pockets.

I can afford digital photographs of beans, which is almost the same thing. Someday I’ll be rich enough to buy an nft of a photograph of a can of beans, and then immediately lose all that money when the canned-good-nft rugpull happens

Plastics are awesome, but overusing them is killing us.

I miss demotivationals, but seeing as motivational posters aren’t plastered everywhere anymore I guess the satire would fall kinda flat