- first folks, I’d like to say I’m very thankful that I am able to speak to you all today after some very bad, very very bad evil socialist man tried to send me to God too early. Can you believe that! But you know folks, he always has a plan, look at me still here, barely a scratch, can you believe that folks. I’ve got very important people in very high places, places that are exclusive and hard to get into, like a place I might not even get into. That’s what they call a joke folks, that’s just what these deranged wokies and ‘liberals’ think about me but little do they know how projection works. Projection that’s a term that I just learned folks, do you all know about it? It means to take your feelings and insecurities and attach them to someone or something else regardless of it’s basis in reality. Isn’t that just crazy folks. But can’t you believe it folks, some liberal had the gall to try and take me out. Thankfully not only was He points and squints as he looks directly into the sun watching over me, but so were my strong, muscular, hawk eyed soldiers. My people, like I’ve already said, very high places, tippy top, are looking into what happened and who this man was and who was affiliated with. They told me several times but for the life of me can’t figure out what witch furries have anything to do with my failed assassination, but my team, who I assume are very smart people, assures me that there’s lots of haters and losers on that website that want nothing more but for me to fail. They were also trying to be overly helpful, saying ‘let me, let me’ but I was trying to have them help me by giving me answers for more leads. So I can’t say for certain if all of my team has my best interests at heart. But I know my true Patriots will protect me at all costs like those brave brave men and women who were there to protect me folks.

Someone else take over the bit or do their own rendition, I need to smoke my celebratory/doomerist blunt