Serious question.
Since a lot of online leftist spaces have people from the LGBT community, I sometimes do some research and reading or watching on whatever people post. It’s interesting but not really relatable to me. The questions I have came up after watching a video posted on here. I t was something like incel to transfemme pipeline or something-something Mari? Super interesting and all, and i thought the comments were insightful, but I still didn’t relate to it all. I was born a guy, I look like one and feel like one, and no matter what I do that’s the way I’m treated. Like a straight cis guy. Some people post in communities like on Hexbear and idk if they’re joking but they mention how they should’ve known they were trans because they did something feminine or masculine or whatever the opposite their assigned gender is. What’s the difference between that, and tomboys or flamboyant gay men? Anything I did that was feminine, it was out of curiosity but made me generally uncomfortable. Honestly the guys I grew up around thought a lot more about what it’s like to be a woman than I ever did, and they act a whole lot more manly than I do.
My life really wouldn’t really feel that different if I was born or identified as a different gender identity. It’s not something I ever really cared much for, and gender just isn’t something I really think about. I’m not the most manly of the men, since I think the stereotype is unrealistic. I just do what I do, and no one really questions it or treats me different as I get older. I feel like most people who are interested in this type of thing are already in the “LGBT-space”. I never felt that way. I guess after reading all this stuff about how other people deal with the society we live in, I spent some time thinking about what it would be like to be in their shoes. It didn’t really change anything. I’m just attracted to feminine types romantically, and I was born and feel like a man. Why fix what isn’t broken for me? That’s my logic.
I was wondering why some people use they/them, she/them, he/them, or even both she and he. How did you come to that conclusion and why? Or how did you know what was more comfortable for you? To me this just seems like a social construct that doesn’t effect me. I just think it’s cool to have non-conforming people existing around and feeling comfortable with who they are, since it lifts a lot of strict gender norms on people like me who just chill.
So first of all, I’m going to recommend some reading if you’re really interested in this topic.
Beyond Pink and Blue by Leslie Feinberg is a great and approachable text, and part of the canon around here at Hexbear.
Gender Trouble by Judith Butler is a more academic and theoretical examination of gender, but not the easiest read
I can also speak for myself as someone who started identifying as nonbinary and including preferred they/them pronouns in the last couple of years. For a long time, I felt the same way that you do: “I’m not the most manly of the men, since I think the stereotype is unrealistic. I just do what I do, and no one really questions it or treats me different as I get older.” I thought, well, I don’t agree with most of the expectations people put on me due to my gender, but it is what it is. I don’t experience gender dysphoria about my body or physical appearance, fortunately, and I’m comfortable with myself.
But what I realized is that beyond just not fitting gender stereotypes, I don’t want people to treat me as a guy and trying to be one has always felt false. It has always felt like a box everyone else wanted to force me into regardless of whether or not I fit inside it, and I never really questioned if I wanted to go in the box in the first place, because that wasn’t an option when I was growing up. But I can make that call now, and I’m happiest as a nonbinary person.
And that’s what it really comes down to, I think. What are you happiest as? What makes you the most comfortable? It sounds like you’re comfortable with yourself as you are, as a straight cisman, and that’s great. But for me that was not what made me the most comfortable.
This might sound awful, or maybe not, but have you ever seen a white American that didn’t really have any awareness of their whiteness? Like, they had one or two good friends that were black while growing up and took the time to study Malcom X and MLK as they got older, but they never really considered what it’s like to be considered different? No matter what, they just don’t have the ability to just live their life as a black person growing up in a low-income neighborhood, and they’re completey clueless about the situation, but they try to read about struggles out of curiosity with hopes that they can do something to help out a bit.
This is how it’s like when I compare myself to people in the LGBT community as a whole, and especially trans/nonbinary people. It’s just not who I am. I try to be well-intentioned when bringing this stuff up, but it’s just not based on an experience I actually had. Still, I support the rights movement more than the average person around where I live, just because I think it’s one of those things that benefits everyone. I have the belief that there’s been a lot of historical events that show people taking on the role of the gender opposing their assigned sex, and I think such a small minority actually need surgery to address that discrepency that it’s a non-issue to let these people live how they need to live. It’s pretty much harmless, cheap, and makes people feel better about themselves. It’s already rare enough to find someone who isn’t transphobic around my place, so it’s unheard of that someone like me would really care that much. The people around here who do, they usually just talk about how they voted for Biden, how drunk they got at pride, and how much they like insulting Trump in the privacy of their own homes. No offensive to them, but it’s about as performative as black people who cheered on Obama and laugh at racist comments about NBA players on Twitter. To educate myself, these people aren’t so reliable. They’re dismissive and just assume that if you aren’t LGBT (or black in the second case) that there’s nothing to worry about and that I should just keep my opinions to myself, as if it’s better to just let things be. Like I’m the bad guy for thinking Jay-Z and Caitlyn Jenner aren’t good examples of liberation, ignoring that I spend time finding actual non-capitalist and non-individualist solutions to struggles.
I have flipped through the first book and will be taking the time to actually read it, though, so I’m trying to catch up a little bit.
This might sound awful, or maybe not, but have you ever seen a white American that didn’t really have any awareness of their whiteness?
I do get what you’re saying in your analogy here. And there are plenty of things regarding other people’s gender that I will never understand and may even seem nonsensical. The main thing for me, is to be supportive, respectful, and trust that other people’s understanding of their gender was arrived at in good faith and, most importantly, makes sense to them.
