- Don’t smoke marijuana out of a pen, smoke it out of a pipe or bong. Don’t do drugs in concentrate.
- If you’re pushing through a land reform program of any kind on behalf of the peasantry, push it through very quickly without telling anyone first.
- The coalition always fractures.
- Always get the Interior Minister position. Do not let anyone else in the coalition get the Interior Minister position. If they do, have a random person assassinate them first before they assassinate you.
- Never ride in a helicopter. (Unless you’re a door gunner, or getting MEDEVACed.)
- A large plane is always safer than a small plane.
- Always watch your ratio of officers to enlisted, you don’t want too many or too few.
- Don’t talk about the coup in public, do it day one or just shut the fuck up about it until you do.
- If you sentence a guy to death, kill him the next day.
- If you fly, don’t all fly together.
- Never, ever, give up your nukes. If you don’t have any, BUILD THEM. If you absolutely have to get rid of them, always keep ONE hid in reserve.
- Treaties are fake. NO ONE is maintaining your territorial integrity for you.
- Never release political prisoners to placate protestors.
- Never let the opposition delay elections.
- When someone you know gets really into German runes (or really any kind of runes at all) get them out of your life.
- Never trust a South American with a German name. Be careful around any with Italian surnames.
- Never move anywhere for a religion, especially South America.
- If your affinity group starts any sort of compound, don’t move in. Be the guy that works and lives outside the compound. Better yet, become their lawyer or some other type of public facing middleman.
- Never go into sewers unless you’re a sewer guy. (Molemen, professionals, etc.)
- If someone is trying to talk you into committing a crime, assume they’re in the FBI.
- Never become an FBI informant, they will never let you go. If you do become an informant, record EVERYTHING Nixon style.
- Never relinquish your arms-- if you’re going to get patted down, hide your first weapon as a decoy weapon. Act like they found your hidden weapon and let them take it, but keep a secondary weapon in an even more elaborately concealed area. If you can, bring a third even smaller even more well hidden weapon in case they find the secondary weapon.
- Aim for the eye at point blank. It doesn’t matter how small the caliber is, if you shoot someone in the eye they’re cooked.
- Always get it in writing. Duplicate that writing.
- If you keep gambling, you’ll eventually win. The long arc of the universe favors the gambler, the house just thinks it can outlast you.
- Never talk to cops without a lawyer. You think you know this one, everyone thinks they know this one, but you’re gonna forget. You’re gonna want to seem helpful or honest and they’ll try to sound friendly. It doesn’t matter if they’re nice to you, they already think you’re guilty. That’s why you’re being arrested or interrogated dumbass.
- Pay taxes on crime money. They don’t get you for the crime, they always get you for the taxes. Get an accountant.
- Never deal with an “explosives expert.” If they know what they’re doing, they’re probably an informant. If they don’t, they’ll get you all killed. If they know a very specific, seemingly perfect spot to place the C4 they’re definitely with the FBI.
- Always duck if you’re getting shot at. Then, shoot the other guy. If you don’t have a gun… then you haven’t followed the other rules, have you? As a last resort, wait for them to run out of bullets then roll away.
- Distractions work, and they’re a really good move. Learn the art of distraction. Example-- take your jacket off, throw it over their head, and fucking punch. Or bend down to tie your shoe, then throw pocket sand.
- Never let a woman see you play videogames.
- Never talk to journalists, they’re just like cops.
- There’s no such thing as “off the record.”
- Don’t fuck your roommate.
- Always pay your guys on time. Don’t try telling them you can pay them later, the moment you admit you don’t have the money they’re no longer your guys.
- Keep your dollars in money.
- Don’t give up your passport. Take the other guy’s passport.
- Everybody snitches. You have to treat it like everyone else that you ever did anything with is snitching.
- If a guy with an analog camera wants to take your picture, they’re trying to have sex with you.
- Whenever the FBI foils anything, assume it’s fake.
- Always shoot first. If you find yourself thinking “am I gonna need to shoot this guy” you probably do, and if you have to shoot someone just do it immediately. Ideally when they aren’t looking. Honor is fake.
- Under the waist isn’t attempted murder. If you shoot someone under the waist, it’s legally a warning shot.
- Never warn anyone, just attack.
- Always keep it loaded.
- Always keep cool, baby.
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This is all excellent advice. I would also reccomend “70 maxims of highly effective mercenaries” which includes critical advice like “never be afraid to be the first to resort to violence” and “anything is air droppable once”
I’ve never seen schlock mercenary referenced in the wild before. Then again I’ve only read a handful of strips myself, maybe I’ve seen references and didn’t know that they were references. But still, very cool.
