I’ve had severe demand avoidance my whole life. If people interrupt me or keep trying to get my attention without considerable breaks, I get quite overwhelmed. I mean that I can easily go into a complete meltdown if someone continues to interrupt me after I’ve asked them to please stop, even if their interruption is seemingly helpful and selfless.
I seriously broke up with a girl that loved the hell out of me because she just couldn’t stop interrupting me when I was engaged in something. I completely blocked another friend I had for ~17 years after going on an international trip with him because after asking him repeatedly to please stop blurting out every single idea he has, to save them until I seem like I want to hear it. Nope, he just couldn’t do that. It is just completely unbearable for me, and after leaving the trip on my own earlier than planned, I blocked all opportunities for him to contact me. I would be happy to never hear from or of him ever again. That’s how much I cannot tolerate demands.
Aside from that, the best part of my day is when I go to bed to lie down for the night. It is my safe place where I know no one will interrupt me because everyone is asleep. This happens even if I live alone.
Unfortunately, the way this plays out is that I end up isolating myself and have pretty bad sleep issues since I basically stay in bed awake for hours at night. It’s like my body wakes up once I hit the bed, which is terrible for sleep hygiene. Last night, I went to best at midnight and didn’t fall asleep until 5am, so I’m exhausted-tired today.
I’m working with a therapist to develop a social circle that is healthier for me, so that’s on the horizon…hopefully. When I review my life, my favorite relationships are ones where I just co-exist with someone in the same space without much direct verbal interaction. I enjoy touch and sharing, but not if they talk a lot. And if they do talk a lot, I prefer if they keep the talking consolidated rather than spreading it out throughout the day. I can tolerate 2 hour conversations wayyy better than 6 hours of talking for 5 mins repeatedly.
Any other suggestions on how to manage this?
People grabbing my attention takes energy from me, and it takes me effort to get back into my thoughts. I can tolerate a lot of it on good days, but at some point my reaction is just resentment and anger. What you describe feels pretty similar?
For me it resulted in basically me being reclusive, and one pretty harsh breakup. My partner at the time would get anxious if she wasn’t constantly noticed was what it felt like. Like, blurting out thoughts, out loud from the other room if needed. And asking me to drop what I was doing to come do some token task of showing attention, like moving a small chair or holding a spoon. Some people just function like that, and they are happy with other people who are like them. It drove us both to depression.
I found happiness with picking pretty much like-minded friends, and a life partner who is pretty much allergic to small talk. We talk a lot, but it is different.
If what we have is similar enough, that’s the best advice I can give: Seek out other “quiet” people. Don’t try adjusting yourself to be with chattybatters, and don’t try to make them change.
I’m kinda frowning at the thought that you requiring time to yourself and taking care of yourself is avoiding demands. If my therapist told me that I’d rip him a new one. Thankfully he doesn’t and actually encourages me to remove myself from unhealthy situations.
My social battery isn’t endless. My processing ability isn’t endless. I recharge both by spending time alone in my thoughts and hopefully getting into a flow state with whatever I’m doing.
I’m lucky enough that I have a job where that happens - I’m partially able to offset the social and mental cost of a job by simply working. But other than that I allow myself to not be productive.
My awesome therapist once prescribed me to get bored. Sit on the couch, stare out the window and try not to do anything. My brain needs that time to process everything happening during the day. Scrolling the web, comics, news that interest me? Also helping to process and get lost in a flow state.
Once I started allowing myself that, I fell asleep much better, because the input throughout the day gets processed througout the day and not at night. If you always keep busy, try to always be productive, the whole input waiting to be processed builds up like water behind a dam. Once you lay down, the dam breaks and you can’t stop. It’s not a bad habit to break. It’s just a necessity for your brain to do.
If you’re anything like me, the only thing you’re doing “wrong” is not creating little islands of boredom and flow. If people refuse to accept that, they are the problem. They are crossing boundaries without a second thought. They may think they are helpful but they are not. To me it sounds like you are having your best interest in mind and acting on it despite this weird feeling of “but they love me, I should be grateful”.
Love is about a lot of things, and respect is a big one. If boundaries are ignored, these people are acting toxic. I know this feels unhelpful, because you want human connection, but imho these people most likely took more out of you than they gave you. Maybe your friend has his own issues that make him not able to shut up, but it can’t be you who pays the price. Maybe that girl thought you need someone to take care of you and who knows better than you and guide you through life, and that’s why she nagged.
Long story short: no matter the intention, not everyone who cares about you will be actually helpful. Not everything is your fault. Keep doing you, identify your needs, communicate them (it sounds like you already did that, which is huge) and then enforce them.
From what you mentioned, I actually think you’re doing great. Took me years of therapy to get to that point.
Great gods! Project much? This degree of assholery from a blahaj user is surprising.
Tbh it came off to me more like “tough-love” than asshole… I think there’s some valid points said here. Some people need the blunt approach for advice.
I don’t really see what your comment adds to this discussion.
As an autistic person, it comes off as arrogant in the extreme. This person isn’t offering advice of any sort. They’re simply trying to tear down someone who’s vulnerable. They’re a bully.
ETA: Just noticed that you created a new account just to post this. I don’t see what you add to the discussion.
Jesus Christ. I was on the fence until you said you work in disability support. To be perfectly honest, with the way you talk and treat people, I wouldn’t be surprised if your clients are just too scared to tell you they don’t appreciate your directness, and that’s assuming they’re verbal and have the capacity to be able to tell you in the first place. Otherwise that’s an even bigger yikes
And although this community isn’t a “big hug box”, since you seem to think it is, why tf are you even here? Ranting about people with autism to a community of people with autism has got to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Quit your trolling.
I don’t know you or anything about you but what you said, but holy shit. If I was in your care, I would end up more traumatized than before.
Boundaries are a thing. If people refuse to accept boundaries, as some therapist and especially nurses like very much to do, they are toxic. If someone tells you they don’t want to be interrupted sometimes, respect that. Don’t go all “I know what’s best for you”, unless yop’re talking to a literal child - and even then think about whether you’re just telling the child what to do because you don’t think it should be doing what it wants or because it’s really better for the kid.
Some people need alone time. It’s called introversion. An international trip with constant blabbering sounds like a nightmare. I’m imagining they had booked a double room with no option for OP to withdraw. I would melt down in two days.
Not everyone is maladapted and blaming others. Some people have good reason for what you deem unreasonable demands. I don’t know if your client are full-blown adults or have a handicap where their judgement is impaired somewhat, but I want to encourage you to stop and think whether what you’re teaching them actually helps them and fits their individual needs or whether you you think you figured out a blanket approach that you try to get everyone to follow, no matter their mental needs.
Edit: I, too, have a relationship, a great circle of friends and a well-paying full-time job, if you want to claim authorities in something here. And I do set healthy boundaries like OP does. There is no one-size-fits-all.
As an autistic person, I genuinely feel sorry for anyone who comes to you for “advice.” Fortunately, a lot of autistic people quickly see through bullshit.
BTW, a genuine mental health professional would know that that they could lose their license for dispensing treatment unethically to a patient they’ve never examined.
Good luck with your TikTok followers (erm, checks notes) “clients.”
Do you know what type of community this is? While I don’t suffer to the same degree as OP I need some time to wind down every day. Being interrupted in that time is a stressful experience for me and negates the benefits of at least half an hour of relaxation. I am married and I do have friends and they respect my clearly communicated boundaries just as I respect theirs.
Meta note: It’s become obvious that RkWgorza is a troll. They’ve admitted that they’re not trained in anything, despite claiming to treat clients for disabilities, presumably mental disabilities. If true, they are practicing unlicensed medicine and guilty of several felonies. In any event, it’s evident that they’re just here to spew nonsense and to bully this community.
Until they are banned, it may be best to avoid feeding the troll. Block them and move on.