I’ve been fostering a family member for a month or so, and it all came to a head today. My wife and I tried, but the behavior was just too much for us to feel safe with our existing children. I hate that we’re giving up and I hate the circumstances that caused this, but it is what it is. If you’re in the same place please don’t beat yourself up; sometimes you can want something really bad and it still not be right for you.
Don’t we have an OffMyChest sub or something? YSK and TIL should be about factual and verified info, not personal experiences…
Aaaand now !goodoffmychest exists. I am not intending to squat on this, so I’ll set the foundation and people can talk to me if they want to become mods. <3
My mom was a foster parent for troubled kids. She did it for 20 years. Over 100 kids ended either being able to return home, or found perm adoption. However, in the end, one kid broke her, and she nearly didn’t come back from it. This kid had a horrible life, abused, physically and sexually for over 10 years by his father and mother both. He got arrested when he tried to touch a 6 year old at his school. When they took him into custody, they put him in a juvi unit with kids 5+ years older then him. He spent 2 years there before he was placed with my mom. He would punch, bite, kick, spit, scratch. Break things, scream, yell, shout, and anything else he could do to try and get a reaction. She lasted just over a year, but when he punched my 3 month old niece, my mom had to physically get between him and my brother who probably would have killed him, no exaggeration. She called and had him picked up by the foster care center she worked for. He screamed at her that like everyone else in his life, she abandoned him. They took him away and she quit the next day. A few years after my mother passed away, I saw on the news that he was killed in a gang related conflict. I’m glad she didn’t have to deal with that knowledge. It took a long time for us to convince her that she wasn’t the one who failed that kid, life just dealt them a shitty hand and they didn’t play the cards they had been dealt right.
I’ll be honest it really pissed me off that he wasn’t arrested and jail for punching an infant. If I was your uncle I don’t know if your mom could have held me back.
Kid was completely broken, he needed care for his mental health, not jail. I understand it’s not always available though.
I’ve known a lot of people in rough situations in my life, lots of people who needed help and mental health care, but I’ve never met someone who at any point in their life thought it was ok to punch an infant.
Didn’t expect to see something so deep on YSK, but you’re not wrong, Sorry to be hear it didn’t work out. You are heroes for trying in the first place. Not every kid is a fit for every family. You gave it a shot which is more than a lot of other people do. Thanks for that, you’re a kind family.
Signed,
A ward of state, who was adopted by a family member.
With very rare exceptions, fostering is hard AF. It’s hard on you, it’s hard on your kids, it hard on your family, it’s hard on the fosters. YSaK that there is a disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder where kids will lie, cheat, steal when they feel like they’re getting emotionally invested in the new family arrangement to sabotage the situation. There’s a lot of stuff they don’t tell you when you enter the system to try to help.
Prior to transferring state agencies, I worked for my state’s child welfare department. Sadly, your story is not an uncommon one where the foster parents do their very best, but the foster child ends up creating a toxic environment. You did the best you could, OP. Your heart was in the right place. We try but we cannot always save the world.
