I’m learning that being told “you’re too sensitive” and other such remarks is considered gaslighting. However, as autistic individuals, we are known for being highly sensitive, both with perceptions and emotions. So, I find myself wondering if perhaps I need to consider that I am more sensitive than the general population and accommodate what I see as their insensitivity, dismissiveness, and blame-shifting.
How do you handle being told “you’re too sensitive”?
What do you think would be a healthy response?
I mean, be conscious of your needs, but anyone saying “you’re too sensitive” is pretty much universally an unhealthy person to be around unless there’s some real nuance to the situation. It means they’re dismissing your emotional reactions as unreasonable or otherwise not worth respecting and that’s basically abuse 101.
Find people who get you and accept you as you are. If there’s something about yourself that you struggle with, work on coping techniques and the like, but ultimately anyone who doesn’t respect you is going to abuse or hurt you even if it’s unintentional on their part. It’s why we’re several times more likely to be abused than neurotypical people: we’re constantly told that we’re being unreasonable and we tend to be far more accepting of others than they are of us, often ignoring abuse because we’re taught to internalize self-hatred from a young age. At least that’s my perspective as an autistic person with C-PTSD and a heck of a lot of trauma related to this sort of thing exactly.
The correct response to someone seeming sensitive or expressing a boundary is acceptance and respect, possibly followed by discussion on those terms when it’s not urgently in need of addressing. Ignoring boundaries is almost always either abusive or neglectful. Slips are going to happen, of course, but “you’re too sensitive” is an intentional attempt to dismiss your boundaries, not a slip barring exceptional circumstance.
There is no healthy response to gaslighting is what I have found, intentional or not. People will not change their perspective for you. Walk away.
“Walk away.”
While I have to agree 100% with what you say, because I have lived with that same motto for the last 40 years, it maybe ain’t really a solution in the end.
You’ll lose everyone (NT) you know because they are, at some point, all like this. So you’ll end up alone running away from yourself. Then go crazy, unless you can provide for yourself.
I’ve abandoned most of my relations, personal and professional, for gaslighting me. I walked away so far I (literally) ended up on the other side of the planet. They still gaslighting me.
I don’t have any advice, just a warning.
Interesting to see all the response here as I can relate to them so much.
I am pretty far gone on that journey, have always known the consequences. Had to leave a marriage because of this, will not ever work a big job again (despite having multiple higher degrees) and willingly so. Will walk away from everything eventually. All because the alternative sucks so horribly that I prefer it this way.
Absolutely. Not having a something is (almost always) better than having “problems” with that something, incl. people.
I didn’t know about my autism till recently, 40 years of age. Was “misdiagnosed” in the 90s, or my mom just didn’t want to hear the diagnose when I was younger with the hope I’d turn out okay, despite my very clear struggling at school/work for 28 years, which was when and why I moved country, where I now similarly struggle.
So I do realize that cutting people off as easily as we want is just a symptom of ours. Even when angry, others (NT) will soon get over it, even if we (ND) still hold an extreme grudge. Even though it also feels extremely good to get rid of them, it’s not a cure for this world, or our world.
I’m just trying to say it might be really hard for some people to cut others off, like I sure have done, and still have some “community” or support around them. To become self-sufficient, before turning to negative thoughts so to say. It sucks, and I know there is little help. Just tossing some virtual coins into the fountain here, wishing some youngster might get a better life than mine knowing what they’re about to go up to. Despite all the gaslighting going on.
I try to keep in mind that everyone around me isn’t acting with perfect and constant skill or patience in their interactions, and have their own issues and anxieties big or small.
By that I mean “you are too sensitive” tends to come from someone being frustrated that they don’t know how to behave towards/around you. Often it helps a lot to forgive them the initial mistake of blaming you, assume their position for a bit, and approach them for a conversation starting with “yes, I am sensitive but it’s not something I can turn off”.
I could see this approach working, and I will take it into consideration next time. However, in this case, this isn’t the only instance of gaslighting. This person knows what they are doing and are certainly doing it purposefully.
Ah. So they are trying to shut you down for a weakness instead of accomodating it?
It sounds like you have the most important part handled already: noticing.
“I am not ‘sensitive’, I just take you by your word. If you don’t mean what you say, maybe better start thinking before you open your mouth.”
Wait, that’s gaslighting? Crap. I didn’t know this. I certainly don’t like being told that. I’ve had to put up with this a lot. I don’t have an answer, but you have given me some valuable insight, nonetheless. Thank you