I apologize in advance if posts like this are not welcome here.
I have a friend circle of 6 guys including me. Before some of us got jobs, we used to play games everyday, hang out together if we are in town. Everyone was chill, enjoyed games more and mostly respected each other to some degree.
After getting jobs we still made time to play and hang out, but not as frequently. I only get time to play games with them on the weekends as my job is in a different time zone. But I still call or text them nearly everyday. Some of them play every single day (kind of addicted to GTA online and valorant for some reason).
But in the last couple of months I have noticed a shift in their behavior. Talking behind each others backs and always getting offended for the silliest of things. This is especially true for those who continued to mindlessly play every single day (they work on the same startup company as well).
I always knew that there was one guy among us who would unnecessarily run his mouth. But I always thought of it as his way of having fun. Mybe it was his way of feeling included. Idk. So I never took any of his ramblings to heart. But everything hits differently now, in a bad way. Every conversation feels like I’m walking on eggshells. Now the others are also starting to become like him.
It’s not just me who thought this way. Another guy who have been besties for a long time with the blabbermouth guy personally called me and told that the whole group feels like it’s infected by something and shared thoughts similar to mine.
I want to call it out, but i’m not sure how to do that in a thoughtful way. I just want them to reflect on themselves, not that I have any right to say that. I’m not afraid of offending them as it’s almost impossible to say anything meaningful without doing so.
Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful day.
Sounds like your circle is growing apart. It happens. In this particular case, some personalities have grown enough to not be compatible with some of the others.
I’m not good at situations like these, so I don’t really have a solution for you, other than accepting the fact that your circle of six will soon no longer be six. Stick to the ones who are still reasonable, and with time the toxic ones will either remain so among themselves or will push away the part of the group that is more in line with how you’re perceiving the social dynamic.
There isn’t any easy way to approach this. I have a little* experience with this.
You’re going to have to talk to the whole group. Whether it’s one on one, the entire group, or a smaller group with the offending party (or parties) excluded. Then as a group you are going to have to deal with the individual(s) with the solution.
Solutions can be ejecting the problem person(s) from the group, breaking up of the group, you leaving the group and having to establish a new group of friends and keeping contact with a couple of these people (there are probably more solutions but these are some examples).
What you CAN’T do is sweep it under the rug as it will make the group more toxic and harder to repair any damage that has occurred leading to more lost friendships. The SOONER this is dealt with the better.
Hope you get everything sorted.
The problem person has become an integral part of the group. Ejecting him would be very difficult as 3 of the other guys have sort of become like him and will be in support of him.
To the problem person, its always “us” vs “them” or “us” vs “another person”. I have tried talking to him in person, but he always seems to dismiss logical solutions to arguments. Changes topics quickly and He always has to find someone to take his side, so that he wins.
I know for a fact that he can be a decent guy when he is with a group of decent people. But it’s always the negative traits of the group that he ultimately tries to embody (unknowingly). I don’t want to paint him as a villain or anything, it’s just something I’ve observed over the years. Then again I may be wrong.
Like you mentioned, I definitely won’t sweep it under the carpet. It’s never a solution.
Then my solution is to call him out for being shitty in front of as many people as you can. Point out WHY the behaviour is shitty. If they persist, and the others follow the leader like drones, then it might just be time to cut them out of your life.
You aren’t required to keep friends. At all.
I had someone I called a friend SA me. I cut them out of my life, and told people we had in common what happened and that I would no longer be associating and not to be invited to events where they were. I ended up losing that group of friends over it as they choose the person that committed several acts of SA against me.
You painting him as the villain only means adopting his toxic behavior.
He’s your friend. Be very wary of this thread’s overall advice, which mostly seems to be “determine whom to ostracize and then do it”.
Any solution of the form “identify the toxic people and get rid of them” is itself toxic. That’s not how community works.
Addressing this issue with the offending parties absent is called “gossip” and it is, itself, a toxic social action.
Address it with the people — sorry with the friends — in question.
Yes and no. It’s necessary for interventions and sometimes to determine if someone is being dishonest. There’s a difference between checking a fact with someone else or raising your concerns to a third party about actually problematic behavior and enjoying the discussion and critique of someone else as a bonding activity with another person.
We would have waited a lot longer to get my grandmother tested for Alzheimer’s, if we hadn’t been able to compare our experiences of her, for example.
Hmm, not sure exactly what you mean by the one who talks, but normally the type I’m thinking of try and be ‘special’ in some way by having secrets with each person. It gives them a sense of control by presuming they have some unique information shared with only certain people. How to get them out of that mentality is a trick, but breaking that illusion of control is a big part of it.
It is possible that this is the case with him. Since he is not good with secrets and will definitely talk behind my back, I stopped sharing anything personal with him. He also digs up such topics from long back and uses it as part of his attack. He probably hates me because I do not share anything personal with him anymore.
Well nowadays I control what I share with the group. wouldn’t want any unnecessary arguments over some silly shit.
I’d love to read up on topics like “breaking illusion of control” you mentioned. Please do suggest if you know any good articles or books that touch on this matter.
I’m not aware of specific writings, but similar topics come up in things like being a leader in the workplace. Say there is someone who has a few skills, but is uniquely the only person who knows how to deal with some arcane process. Now this person has a measure of control by being the only one with ready knowledge of this process, but this also puts them solely as the point of failure and responsible for the outcomes.
So this person has some control but also breeds resentment and is likely holding back other improvements. Someone will eventually find a workaround to this process and strip this person of the special status they had involuntarily and possibly leaving them out in the cold.
Conversely, if this person voluntarily gave up their control, spread the knowledge, helped improve the situation and at the same time relieved themselves of the duty to be the single keeper of knowledge, they become a valued member and even leader within the group.
It may not be a great comparison, but it’s something of a ‘shifting the peceptions’ for someone.
I’d say just hang out with the one guy you mentioned who seems to be on the same page as you. Start your own group and add some new people. If anyone says anything just say you didn’t feel welcome in the old group anymore. If they’re really that toxic towards each other then the whole group will probably fall apart soon anyway.
Imma give you a simple guideline that will serve you well all your life:
don’t focus on what people say, focus on how you feel after parting
If someone makes you feel worse off than before and on a repeat basis, start to backoff and if they make you feel terrible, fucking run!
This rule will save you much heartbreak, pain, and misery.
Edit: there must be room for grace cuz we all fuck up or say fucked uo shit sometimes so def pay it forward but grace should necesarily be limited and on a schedule for the most part
Edit: also be careful, if you’re the shitty/toxic person, you’re gonna feel shitty cuz someone sees thru your bullshit and are healthily resisting that. I can’t help there so the mileage may vary but a little self-awareness + time with a good healthy friend + the occadional AITA with a burner account goes a long way.
For the longest time, I thought it was me who was causing the problems. I started becoming careful about what I say. And as an unintentional result I became aware of what, why and how they speak.
I still consider some situations from an AITA perspective. But I may be biased towards myself. I will take your advice on posting in an AITA community and get some different perspectives.
Thanks for commenting !
Ya, AITA is actually a super useful heuristic for one to try.
- read the OP’s case
- Try to answer their questions in your head as you go along
- Be careful! Its a cointoss as to whether they are massaging the situation and trying to manipulate you into validating them (even the morally superior person may slightly misrepresent to make the narrative more consitent regardless of their meritorious superiority)
- Reply! Like literally post it and see if your interpretation resonates. Be prepared emotionally for some devastating corrections and downvotes. 5.respond to some of the replies you want to engage with or discourse witb regardless of how “nice” it is as opposed to provoking an insight in you ;)
The funniest part of AITA is over time, and not necessarily a long time, you will learn reflexively how everyone’s gonna respond on all sides of the issue like in literary criticism.
- women will think this
- men will think this
- this religion says this
- the upper class might think this
- my PTA group would think this
