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Trying to talk to people about anything at all is like pulling fucking teeth, I hate it so much and it has not once gotten better. I think that I have probably become worse at it ever since the discovery that I have autism revealed to me that there are many given layers of meaning & social cues that I am not understanding, in literally all conversations, but looking back it was never good anyway. I was never good. I can see all of the same problems of stumbling awkward bullshit even back when I was blissfully, properly unaware that I was doing SPEAKING TO PEOPLE wrong.
I’m just fucking exhausted and I don’t want to do it anymore. Wherever I go, whoever the people from whatever walk of life, they’re all unified (gloriously) by their “oh, ew, geez” -type reaction to my existing and subsequent ability to just barely tolerate me carrying on like a particularly annoying child. What good has being social ever once done for me? Nobody ever sticks around and it’s clear they do not like me. If I do not initiate things with people 100% of the time, 24/7, and make myself 100% available to them at all times as well, they will not show any interest and will fuck off to go hang around with someone who’s not totally insufferable.
I’m lucky enough to be married & I should have just accepted that as my one victory, quit while I was ahead. No point straining myself trying to talk to other people if I already have my life partner. Trying to get to know people, talking with them, has never represented anything but stress and pain, often in retrospect when I realise I was kept around solely for humour value or because people are too polite to just tell me to get bent. I have to get rid of my desire to talk to people, as well as talk in general, because it’s absolutely disastrous for my life.
This post dedicated to marble countertop gang
I got out of the habit of checking this comm every day over the holidays and missed The Most Relatable Post. 🤦
I read this out loud to my spouse because I could have written it myself and have been expressing this sentiment for a while.
I think the relative comfort that you mentioned in one of your comments here is a complicating factor for me - I can’t afford the medical care I need, but I have enough to eat and a safe, warm place to sleep with few sensory aggravations. It seems wrong that that isn’t enough, and I am desperately trying to figure out how to make it be, even though I logically know how silly that is.
We’re social creatures by instinct, chemically coerced to seek comfort in numbers; of course it will feel disheartening and threatening to be an outsider.
unfortunately, understanding problems hasn’t been a salve for me lately; it’s been salt in the wounds as I realize how much of what pains me requires societal and cultural change to fix
that’s a big task that I can’t do alone, and as we were just discussing, it’s very hard to find anyone who doesn’t dislike me
To be fair, I’m not even subbed to it! Gonna fix that.
Hey its me Literally You
I know though, right? It’s kind of fucked that we can be worlds better off than so many ND people–not that having a sensorily friendly home and food should be considered well-off–and still it’s not enough. We still exist in a largely ableist world…
I wanna stop being chemically coerced goddamnit, I am doin my best to embrace being an outsider. I mostlu stopped talking anywhere but here. It really does suck though that our societies and wider world are basically designed this way. I wonder why so many ND people are into the left-wing, commie or anarcho revolutionary type beats
Relatable in general though, and also I have something like rejection sensitivity that has me genuinely believing that even people who talk to me do not and can not like me…
I have also stopped talking to everyone else and also have a hard time believing that anyone enjoys interacting with me or likes me ❤️ terribly sorry we have this in common.
