So I don’t normally reach out to a group of strangers for emotional support. I worry about failing to communicate my views and I’m pretty “sensitive”, but I don’t like to be coddled either. But I’ve been lurking here and, while there are many viewpoints and voices, as a whole, I see this community as being considerate and supportive.
I had my first appointment with a mental health professional yesterday. This is after a year or so of realizing that I might have ADHD. I went down the rabbit hole for a couple of months, talked to my primary care and got a referral and everything! Heck, I even followed up with the clinic when they didn’t reach out to me as they said they would (gasp!). I occasionally display a moderate level of adult proficiency and sort of need to as a middle aged man.
The practitioner was lovely and she did her thing. I work in healthcare as well, so much of the structure was obvious even if the specifics were outside my field. She sends me the screen and gets the office to call me to schedule a follow up.
And I feel myself stalling again. If I look-feel at myself, I feel anxiety about being labeled. I personally don’t think it’s a bad thing to get a diagnosis; however, there are those who say it doesn’t matter, but they aren’t aware of their feelings enough to say otherwise. Sorry for being cryptic. In particular, I worry about future job prospects if needed. I always want to perform my job at the highest level I am able to and it would suck to have something that should be seen as just neutral become a liability.
Second concern lies with family members. I have a loving family, but some of the older generation view mental health conditions as a personal failing. It’s funny because we have members of the family in the generation below me that have an ADHD diagnosis and there is a loving acceptance of that fact. However, being a grown, I suspect that they would see it as character flaw and a personal failing. I’ve soft drop the idea that I believe that I have this condition.
The next thing I was hoping to hear about is people’s relationship to masking and choosing not to mask. For years, I’ve accept that I’m a bona fide weirdo. Many love and accept it even if it’s a bit too much at times. But it’s sort of unfamiliar to be my weirdo self and realize that I spend a lot of time keeping it at bay. Heck, writing this message makes me wonder if I’m masking or leaning into my over-explainer self. (For the most part I’m enjoying the process, so I’ll keep on keeping on).
Finally, I didn’t follow adult ADHD screening sent to me my the mental health practitioner. It was emotionally difficult swing from “Holy shit … I know that.” to “I know that and I a fucking failure”. The shame and depression is real and I’ve struggled with it for years. I only hinted at it in the interview with the practitioner. As I gain trust in her skill and competency, I imagine that I’ll share more with her.
Oh and meds! I’m glad to hear that meds have helped so many! I tend to be medication hesitant in general. I can see it being part of a management regime. However, I lack the clarity to contextualize its role in a long term strategy which is seated in a long term goal. If you have been medication hesitant, let me know what helped you decide one way or the other. And if you use the meds, I’d love to hear if you situate it in a long term goal and strategy for managing the condition. Sorry for the big ask.
Geez. … I guess the last thing I hate is thinking that I can’t just be me for everyone. I have to have zipped myself up in a certain way and even use meds to do it. I think this is the rawest thing that I’m feeling. Apologies if I come of as prickish. I think I need to wrestle with this more and find loving acceptance for society and myself in society. I am generally a fan of doing what you have to do to be in this world. Be kind to yourself. Be careful not to hurt others.
Alright. Preachy oversharing done. I know this needs a proofing and am tapped out. Cheers!
Just because you get a diagnosis doesn’t mean you need to tell anyone about it, if you’re worried about being judged. That can stay between you and your doctor and maybe your pharmacist.
Cheers. I may end up doing that. Just sounds lonely. But better than having to explain myself constantly.
Regarding meds, the nice thing about most of them (i.e. stimulants) is that you can tell more or less right away if they’re going to help you. There’s really no downside to trying them. It’s not like, say, antidepressants, where you have to be on them long enough to risk developing withdrawal symptoms before you can tell how they’re going to affect you.
You are not alone with those thoughts. My partner got diagnosed some months ago, and at first they were a bit doubtful of the whole thing, but as there are people in the family who also have ADHD recently diagnosed, they decided to get tested and the psychiatrist said it’s as clear as can be.
After the diagnosis everything kinda clicked into place and things suddenly made sense. My partner was afraid the meds would change their personality, and they have to some extent, but it’s all positive tbh now that the meds are correct. The person is the same, but the edges are not as sharp as before. It took a while to find the right meds and the ones they tried first caused quite a lot of mood swings etc. But for my partner the meds are life-changing. Same i’ve heard from the other family member who was first misdiagnosed and unsuccesfully treated for depression and bipolar disorder for several years.
But of course people are different and not all benefit from the meds. I just booked an appointment to a psychiatrist as I suspect being on the spectrum and that being partially reason for my mental health issues and other troubles. Mostly I’m looking for a reason, apart from me being a lousy human, for all of this and at this point I’d be relieved to hear that I’m not responsible of all the difficulties I experience.
There is a downside to the diagnosis though as doctors sometimes treat/face neurospicy people different than neurotypicals. But apart from that nobody needs to know about your diagnosis unless you want to share.
Honestly? I doubt anyone will think twice about it unless you talk about it a lot.
Regarding meds, the side effects are worse than I expected but the benefits are way better than I expected too. I wouldn’t hesitate to take your doctor’s advice in that area. Just having a baseline for how effortless it can be to handle complex tasks really puts into perspective how much more effort it takes for us. Your first few good days on Adderall or whatever will open your eyes. And if nothing else, you might learn to forgive yourself when you just can’t spare the effort for something in the future.
As Meno said, you don’t have to tell anyone.
As for yourself, it’s something that you’ll have to accept about yourself but don’t look at it as a label. You are who you are, a diagnosis of anything is just an explanation of why you are who you are.
Remember, a diagnosis doesn’t give you anything accept awareness.
