I’m a 37 year old IT Cloud Engineer, I have a great job, great house, love my family, but recently I lost my dad to cancer after a 16 year battle. My brother likes to say cancer had to cheat to win, it was all because he broke his back and had to be taken off his treatments for to long. Cancer is a fickle bitch…
Prior to losing my dad, I lost my best friend, who apparently dropped dead in his backyard. I don’t know the specifics and frankly I don’t want to know. Either way, these events effected me, and I started having massive panic attacks and anxiety issues, constantly afraid for my health even though there’s nothing wrong with me. It took a few months of therapy to realize I needed medical help.
I was put on antidepressants and everything changed, I was a human again for the first time in like a decade. I was happy, I was successful, but now, idk if I’m just having a midlife crisis, or if maybe I’m just feeling depressed again, but I just feel lost. I’ve lost one of the few people in my life I’ve modeled my success after, my father, I lost the other person I could hang out with and empathize with, I have my wife and I love her to death, but my friend had been that person that was just there to hang out and make you feel better, and now they’re gone. I’m still struggling to cope and it’s just really hard and I need a place to vent.
Anyone have any ideas on how to cope and move on as well as control the anxiety without the need to be medicated?
TL;DR: Lost my dad and my best friend in the course of two years and it’s been rough. Now I feel lost and confused constantly. Cloudy brain and I just don’t want to be complacent in life and need some advice. Thanks for reading.
Edit: just wanted to say thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I’m going to take the advice I’ve been given here to heart and try some new things to try and give me some direction. Thank you all again so much for the help, it really made me feel a lot better.
Find. A. Therapist.
No random, online stranger will be able to give you what you need, because (if nothing else) we just don’t know you well enough. A professional counselor is someone you can open up to, who will see you repeatedly, and has the professional training to help you.
I understand that seeing a therapist is intimidating. I get it. But I truly believe it is the route to go, in your case. While the issues you are dealing with are both major and relatively common, the advice needed is specific to the individual.
You’re going through 2 periods of grief at the same time, and you’ve also lost an important part of your support network, as well as the guiding beacon in your life.
This is an extremely difficult period in your life, and it won’t get better fast. It will take time, possibly lots of time. But it WILL get better.
It’s important to realize this, and to communicate openly with people you can trust.
Talk to your wife about your feelings. Open up to your family. Talk to your boss or co-workers if that is possible at your workplace. Let others know the reason why you might be acting differently at this time.
My practical advice to you would be to actively, consciously try and rebuild your support network. Set a goal to meet new people or reconnect with friends you haven’t met in a while, whenever you have the strength to do so.
Inform yourself about self-help groups in your area. Talking to others who are going through the same thing is immensely helpful. And you might even find a new buddy to hang out with.
And also be careful you don’t make rash decisions about your job or your marriage. You’re in a vulnerable state right now, and might feel the urge to make a big change in your life. Maybe a new adventure or a time-out is what you need right now, but don’t force any permanent changes right now (like quitting your job to become a goat herder) while you aren’t able to think clearly.
And if you feel like all hope is lost and there’s no point in going on, IMMEDIATELY call someone you can trust, or find professional help.
I play video games, specifically guild wars 2 and I’ve found a really friendly and inviting guild to group up with, and that has really helped. I also wanted to get into blacksmithing at some point, I’ve always liked the idea of being able to hit something with a hammer really hard and make something cool.
Hi.
Look into mindfulness practices. Do some art. Hobbies etc. Music is my preference. Also, try to appreciate that you get to experience anything at all. It’s a wild ride, enjoy it all. Don’t fight your feelings. You only get to experience these kind of things rarely, and they have the potential to bring you closer to your self. Appreciation and happiness are perspectives, and they are largely down to choice. How do you want to feel? Practice that. The human mind is a crazy, malleable thing.
I self medicated for long long time. Seen death up close, both people close to me, and random people. I’ve been through my fair share of trauma just like you, and roughly your age as well.
Death is completion of the cycle. Life is really a beautiful thing, and the fact we can be aware of such things make it even harder, messier, and even more beautiful.
End rant.
Rule 1, you don’t know what other people are going through. They got a whole universe no one else knows nothing about, so give them a break.
Rule 2, only person that’s on the hook to give you a break is you. Think of the advice you would give your friend or your dad, if they were in your situation and give it to you. Probably good advice.
Rule 3, noting is certain, not even tomorrow. Have your dessert first.
