Sometimes. I am what many would describe as anhedonic. Other people are far more emotionally in-tune compared to I am. But at the same time, I know what feeling is “supposed” to be there. I can feel the ghost of the emotion that a moment would call for. And I feel bad about that.

Here is an example. I go out to eat and to do things with people. I am aware of what everyone anticipates emotionally, but here I am looking around simply waiting for Moment A to become Moment B. What everyone calls a good meal and the embodiment of a good sensation, I feel as a chore, something to chew and swallow one bite at a time, one gulp at a time, one plate at a time, all measured in time units as blank as the sensation as the lumps drop into me. All the while, a concert sings, but my mind is wandering far away from the concert, with my only relevant thoughts about it being “so are songs just songs”. And after we eat, we look out the window and see a supposedly majestic sky view, but someone turns to me and asks “that was worth every hundred dollar bill, wasn’t tonight fun, and to finish it off with this nice view outside” and what was once a lack of strong interest becomes a negative feeling as I feel sad for the other person for not having succeeded in making someone’s night happy, so I nonverbally gesture a nod that’s only semi-affirmative so that I don’t end up being deceptive. And I ask myself if I’m simply an echo of myself.

I have been dealing with possibly having cancer for the last 4 months. After my 3rd biopsy they’re saying it isn’t. They’re still not sure what it is. But I feel so guilty for bringing my friends down with me only to tell them that it’s not life threatening like we thought.

Absolutely. I often feel “guilty” in a way of being depressed because I think to myself that I have no or not enough reasons to to be depressed. I know logically that’s not how depression works, but it still can put me in moods that I have to work to get out of

Constantly.

This is kind of my default state.