Hello nice people,
Im in my early 30s and only came out to myself and wife a couple years ago during lockdown.
Fast forward to now, a few years later. I’ve only been with 2 other dudes and basically only once. I’m talking with a guy and we seem to mesh pretty well but I’m feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety over the prospect of meeting him in person. I’m way in my head about it. I definitely want to meet and enjoy what I enjoy but I’ve got a huge mental block which makes me feel like I’m doing something bad and immoral. Even with full permission from my wife and I’ve done this before and thoroughly enjoyed this. My stomach aches and it’s like I hold myself to crazy standards that I myself would look down on someone else if they had those standards too. It’s like I’m homophobic to myself and myself only. I don’t see other gay or bisexual dudes as weak or less than but if I indulge in anything homosexual, it feels like I’m weak and less than.
If anyone has experienced this or knows someone who feels this or if ya have some wisdom or even just a related story, I’m all ears. I know a therapist is arguably the best person to deal with this but I’m curious what the community thinks.
I did feel some shame when I first started to acknowledge my attraction to men, but it subsided on its own. I don’t think I felt weak so much as “icky” when I was getting used to the idea (probably from kids at school always using “gay” as an insult). But as I got more used to acknowledging the attraction that went away. Can you describe what it is about being with another man that makes you feel “less than” (no judgment, just what does the irrational voice in your head say)?
What does your wife say? One thing that’s been very helpful for me is my wife telling me she thinks it’s hot that I’m into guys too, but I know not everyone feels that way.
Ya it’s more ick to be honest. Feeling weak is when I challenge my mind as to why I feel that way. Those are the thoughts/words/feelings that come to mind but they’re all just from childhood bullying and shit both my parents used to say (they said things like “thank god none of my kids turned out gay, I raised them well”. That sort of terrible shit.
I like being dominant with women sexually and submissive with men and I guess the submissive part is where I start to feel ick about myself. My wife’s fully supportive and says she wants me to do whatever makes me happy and she likes that I’m getting off and she gets to have mfm and mmf threesomes which is a big fantasy of hers. Even with her telling me it’s all okay, the ick is coming from inside the house haha.
I gotta dive deeper and really kill the personal double standards cause I don’t have any of these feelings about other gay/bi/pan dudes.
I am too tired to write much, but I feel you. The phenomenon you’re experiencing is internalised homophobia, so it might help you to look a bit into that topic.
https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-internalized-homophobia
