I saw this asked on another instance, thought I’d ask it here and I’ll post my response from there in the comments as I think it felt cathartic.
Doesn’t need to be a life or death situation, just any moment in your life where you found yourself saying “Holy shit, I can’t believe this is happening!”
The neighbours raised a fledgling starling that lost its mother. When it was big enough it decided the whole world was his best friend and would socialize quite a lot with us. I have a million pictures of him on our heads or shoulders or yelling at us through the kitchen window to come outside and find him some bugs.
Anyway he was absolutely in love with car rides. Yes, a wild bird liked a road trip. The guy who was feeding him used to bring him to work every morning to feed him routinely so he got very used to the car, and he LOVED it. So when we got home from work he’d sit on the roof of the car and yell until we came outside and took him for a ride somewhere. I had many car rides around the neighborhood that summer while he sat on my shoulder and yelled gleefully in my ear.
Dude that’s the sickest(as in best) thing I’ve ever read and I’m not gonna lie I was kinda expecting a terrible turn at the end.
Would love to see some pictures this starling, or videos. It’s on my bucket list to make friends with a bird, particularly crows, and you literally had that. Not only that, the dude loved road trips… like what.
Sorry about his mum though.
Here he is sitting happily on my head. He would sit up there and cheerfully root through my hair looking for bugs, or when I walked the dogs he’d sit up there and yell at everyone we walked past. I will upload a video of him when I get home and am on wifi a little later.
I can’t cope. I’m sooo jealous right now. Look how fluffy he is.
One day I too hope to take a walk with a bird on my head as it shouts at people.
I will look forward to a video of the little fella. It’s evening here now so I’m going to be offline for 8-10 hours.
I found out that my dad had a secret girlfriend who was my age. A student of his. He also had a secret job, working as a consultant for Putin’s science advisor.
I am sorry you had to find out about your dads secret life, I can’t imagine what that felt like.
As for the Putin thing. I have so many questions.
The strangest moment of my life was probably when I found myself doing DMT with a Willie Nelson impersonator in his mobile home. He had a pit bull which was running around with an erection.
That does sound very interesting.
I’ve always wanted to try DMT but it doesn’t seem to be a thing we can get here in the UK.
Turns out you can literally find very detailed guides online for making this stuff and with not too crazy equipment.
I could list a few.
- Christmas when I was about 10 I found out my dad wasn’t really my dad. Thanks nana. The man who raised is my dad to me still.
- Leading on from the last one. Later in life my biological father got in touch and giving it all the life complicated spiel. I was indifferent but figured sure I’ll meet. Turns out he was back with my mum and now I’m back at home and he ain’t ever act like a dad, and now he doesn’t see if other daughters since he got back with my mum. Dudes a joke.
- as you might have noticed I’ve had a tumultuous childhood. Mum spent my formative years flipping between my non-bio dad and the man who I have a half brother with, who I ain’t seen in 30 years. So I spent the time sat in the back of a car whilst she called men to her friend or went in pubs to pour pints on their head.
- one time we came home and saw burglars robbing our flat. Probably something to do with my half brothers dad.
- one time as a young adult, the man that raised me was out getting drunk in his mates house. My mum made me break the door down and she went in all guns blazing grabbing a golf club and going ham.
- Fell in a canal at night off my box on Xanax and thought I might die. Threw out my stashed and literally nearly died from withdrawals.
- surprising not been assaulted many times cause I used to be a righteous mouthy cunt when drunk, i don’t drink at all as I saw how it broke my dad, well my mum did but alcohol didn’t help.
- watched as my mum and dad had a loveless marriage and at the start he used to hit her, then later she bullied his ass for decades. Like take his wages and refuse him money for cigs.
- on way to school vacation and got told my dad was going prison for driving drunk whilst banned.
- saw my tea dumped on her head.
- it’s all coming back now. One time my dad tried to drive the car into our house but it got stuck in the bushes.
That’s just a few, but yeah it’s no wonder I’m fucked, not an excuse as I’ve made progress and got a good job now. Not sure I’m happy but I’ve just shut off the stuff I grew up around as what else can I do.
Do you feel like going through those things made you more angry or more compassionate as an adult? It’s really crazy what childhood trauma does to the brain.
I honestly don’t know, I was pretty fucked up until 4 years ago and things only got better as I lucked out and got a job at Apple where they really enforced that you should strive to be the best, plus everyone there was successful in some other way. It came with healthcare which led to an ADHD diagnosis, which led to cutting down on drugs and that led to retraining as a software developer and now totally drug free for almost a month. Been a dev for a year.
Had that not happened I’d still be fucked. Now I don’t know if I was in that state because of my past or not.
To answer your question, I would say compassionate, but again I don’t know if it’s because of the things I went through or just the way I am. I have empathy for days and like to think I am on the right side of history with many things.
Now as the oldest, I saw a lot more than my brothers and they are nothing at all like me in terms of compassion, activism, and genuinely always trying to understand other people. I don’t care if you’re black, white, or pink. Junkie, criminal, or bum. As long as you’re trying to be a better person I will give you time and listen.
Ultimately, I’d say I really don’t know but anger is something I’ve never suffered from. Although there could be an argument for turning any anger inwards in self destructive manners, but again with ADHD they go hand in hand too.
One thing for sure is we are who we are due to our pasts in a certain way and it can be harder for some people and easier for others to overcome it.
Edit: It just occurred to me you said childhood trauma, but I hadn’t really thought about it that much that it would be trauma. Interesting.
I’m glad you found the right place and people at the right time… It’s funny how things like that can make such a huge difference. You’re totally right - we’re all a product of what we go through. That stuff that happens when you’re young… man that shit can take a long time to process and too often we fuck up a lot of other stuff on the way. I’ve been really lucky in my life to be in the right place at the right time, to have good people looking out for me, and to be given forgiveness and grace that I didn’t deserve at the time.
Joblessness and social isolation? After graduating at September 2022, unlike other students who already secured their jobs around March, I had nothing. And it’s still the same for me. I dread applying to jobs. It fills me with so much fear, I don’t bother. At one point I had a really bad panic attack, that I deleted all my Git accounts online, and every project backup, shut down my laptop, doing nothing for almost two month except staring the roof, because I was so done. I could not believe that I had sacrificed my teen, getting isolated, losing out on socializing, partying and all that shit. I convinced myself that this would reward me, because those cringey grind-set YouTubers told me, and that I was probably the main character or something. I completed my engineering degree with such great difficulty, because I was severely depressed, I lost all my sleep, I stopped attending classes, waking up at 12 in the noon. I’m going to be 24, and I’ve successfully wasted two years without any experience, nor any degree to back my use of time.
I can relate to this, although I didn’t go the degree route to end up as a software developer and in not sure how much of this will be transferable, but you literally have plenty of time and you can make vast changes in a short period of time.
I completed a bootcamp, but I just couldn’t perform in interviews and I got so anxious I would either clam up or just talk too much, ADHD too much.
I was devastated as I pinned all my hopes of being happy on this career change. So I did another bootcamp and again sucked at interviewing. I was making loads of projects on GitHub but not progressing. Suffice to say I managed to get fired by a small company and although the pay isn’t amazing, and I’m still insecure about my skills. You will get hired if you persist.
The other point I want to make, is I am still not happy, I am happier to be doing something I enjoy but it’s still a grind man. My employers didn’t care about my GitHub and didn’t even look at it, didn’t check my portfolio and really they wanted someone that was capable of following their coding practices rather than someone who would be pig headed about all they knew.
It also matters what roles you’re applying for. I was never going to be hired by London banks as I just didn’t fit in or have that mindset, although I interviewed for a few. I found my place in small company that will help me grow my skills and confidence. Maybe in the future I can move somewhere else, but still not a massive company. I have friends working in Canary Wharf and they have maybe 10% the coding I get to do, because they have to go through review processes and such and maybe what they build doesn’t even go live ever.
I guess I just want to say if massive salary isn’t your only goal and you just want to have a somewhat fun job where you solve problems then stick at it, but you first have to get out of the rut, which is the hardest thing in the world. You’ll need to reach out to friends, family or people on here for support to get a routine. Sleep is the hardest. Stop sleeping in the day if you do that, I like to take walks when I finish work before dinner time just so I don’t sleep. Then you can sleep at night, then you’ll be able to have a routine. Once you have a routine you just have to grind out the soul destroying interviews until you find one that lands. I know it can be disheartening, but honestly if I can get hired then anybody can.
You’re 24 and I made it at late thirties. Now I will confess I am lucky (sad) enough to be back at my mums so I was able to save money and not stress so much.
Another thing that helped me no end was working at Apple. I started as a Christmas temp and moved to the Genius Bar. Working there is something else. Like everybody had another side hustle, whether it be photography, music making or whatever. When you’re surrounded by people like that it’s kinda inspiring. Plus you get to handle problem solving too and really work on the social skills required. For instance talking to customers whilst typing on an iPad is hella hard at first as it feels rude not to be looking at them. Plus handling all the assholes etc.
This is long now and I digress a lot, but essentially, even if cliche, you can make it. You just have to stick at it. Even through the hardest of times. For me keeping my mind busy and routine is key otherwise I’m prone to wallow and wonder why nothing changes.
Also, the grass ain’t not greener over here. Perhaps we are not destined for happiness but we can have a less horrible time you know.
You have so much time in front of you and the anxiety that you’re feeling is incredibly common. Don’t give up! For many jobs a degree is just proof that you have the determination and perseverance to start and finish something. Many employers prefer someone with basic skills, the personality to take direction, and willingness to learn. I went back to school at 34. As a new grad, I had someone say in an interview, " We can teach you skills. The interview is to make sure you fit into our organization." Is there anyplace in your community that offers job coaching or practice interviews to help you overcome the anxiety?
