I had one at work. Nothing bad was happening at work and there was no trigger that I could pin point. It just came over me like a wave and all of a sudden nothing felt real. It was like I was watching myself in a movie. Was also trying to hold in vomit. One of the worst ones I’ve had.

Right now. Mostly just cause my brain felt like flying off the rails. Can’t afford my meds right now, and yet we need $25k for our wedding still in 4 months, and we can’t seem to dig ourselves out of the financial hole I dug us into after leaving my last job for my mental health and be incomeless for 3 months. Fun stuff for sure.

I got high and watched one of those “Breakdown” videos on YouTube where they have an “expert” come on and review movie scenes and such.

It was an ex-Marine talking about boot camp scenes in movies, and they got to Jarhead and talking about Gyllenhaal being transferred to the squad who just got back from a tour and they held him down to brand him.

I had a panic attack and swore from that moment that I would never join the military industrial complex. I know that’s a very specific situation and all, but it still elicited such an explicit response in me.

Family problems, health problems, carreer problems, and just GAD piling up on me. Someone took my pulse and it was running a sprint while I was sitting. Hands were absolutely numb and my fingers were twisting by themselves into weird poses, I couldn’t hear a thing and I couldn’t breathe.

That was the worst one I’ve ever had, and thankfully, the last one. Over a year ago. Every now and then I can feel one coming up but I’ve learned how to calm myself down in therapy.

It was right before realizing I’m in a burnout. Too much in my private life going on, kids, housing, study, full time jobs.

The last time before that must’ve been years, but I’ve been holding it in for as long as I could, I now realize.