Hi. I’m new here. I am a workaholic. When I started to notice my mental decline I was working in very important role at one of the largest companies in the world. All I could see was the end prize, financial freedom. A few years in I knew I was going through health issues because sleeping was rough, I always felt on edge. All I wanted to do was make sure my wife would be set up if I died.
One day I could not take it anymore. I went to a different company. Took less than a week and I had the big one. A complete breakdown. I didn’t know what it was until a friend told me it may be panic attacks.
I got let go in about a year. I’ve been bouncing around jobs since. I get back up, I apply myself, I’m determined; or more like super productive due to stress.
Then I heard about a friend’s spouse who died of cancer. They were younger than myself. It just breaks me with a lot of what-if questions. If this happened to me, I didn’t enjoy life. I just worked. I got little progress to show for it except money in what feels like a doomed economy. I worked to make sure my wife can live an enjoyable life when I am gone. I don’t have a clue how to have fun.
I am now stuck with a lot of what-if questions that don’t have answers. I start my new job in about a week. It’s a good company, pays well, allegedly they care a lot about their employees. I just wish life would slow down enough to process things; deal with the anxiety issues. Now that I can breathe a bit again and about to regain my footing I feel more stressed.
Tl;dr I don’t know how not to have my life revolve around work.
Edit: feel free to offer advice. I’m kind of just in my own anxiety right now.
If you are chronically online, please try to stop. I find that being online and/or in your head all the time makes my anxiety go insane. Try practising two things which will make you stop being so much “in your head”: (1) try feeling sensations on your body such as touch, movement, posture, etc so that your focus is more on physical feeling than mental turmoil, and (2) whenever you get very 'in your head’s again, do some action instead of rumination. Any action, taking a walk, doing grocery shopping, making tea, etc. literally anything except constant thinking.
I don’t have a comprehensive answer, but I find using a calendar for scheduling my wellbeing (like I would schedule work tasks or medical appointments) helps. For example, schedule things such as naps, walks, television watching, book reading, sexy time with your partner, masturbation by yourself, long hot baths, dinner dates with friends, museum visits, concerts, etc. These are the things I would often neglect since my schedule was too full with work stuff or putting out fires in my personal life. Now they get equal footing in my life.
I look at a calendar that’s filled and get stressed. I get it though. I need to take time for myself and set it aside.
It doesn’t have to be a calendar. But if it is, how would a month of crossed off days make you feel?
Miserable. Honestly, it reminds me of what I did and it feels like I made little progress.
I wanted to share with you what my therapist told me. I was doing the same thing after my child was born. I kept having these terrible thoughts like “what if I trip and drop her and kill her? What if I wake up and she’s not breathing in the morning?” What my therapist told me is that I had to stop thinking about the what if’s. She said that every time I realized I was thinking about those I had to stop and tell myself to stop.
The brain likes to nonstop think and if you start to think about those irrational thoughts all the time it starts to default to those. What she reminded me of something I really read in a Tibetan monk’s book. He talked about how the brain has a primitive side that is like a monkey that just chitters constantly. You have to learn to quiet it sometimes.
So every time you have these what if thoughts, stop and breathe, and tell yourself that “these are thoughts of scenarios that aren’t real and the chances of them happening might be slim.” Yeah, there is a chance they could happen, but you are capable and you will handle them if it comes to that. But most likely, they won’t happen. And you need to change something because these thoughts are not useful or helpful to you.
Something to go along with this, some people will have a “magic word” or gesture they do that goes along with this. When they realize they are thinking these thoughts they will say “banana” or something or snap their fingers. Whatever they use, it signals their brain to immediately stop thinking that way and move on. I tend to say “I don’t give a shit!” when I start thinking like that.
I know it’s tempting to think “but it’s still possible they will happen, if I prepare then maybe I can stop it.” But it’s not worth worrying about all the time. I have life insurance so my family is covered if I pass. I wear tennis shoes when I carry my daughter when we go out the front door. I keep the floor clean so I don’t trip. I do things that can actually make a difference. Worrying about those things constantly won’t.
I hope you find some peace with this. Anxiety is a bitch. I know this thing my therapist told me to do didn’t fix everything, but it helped immensely. It’s one step in the right direction, one step towards progress, and mental health is one of those things you need to combat one little step at a time.
When you’re a type A kind of person who enjoys having routines and tasks to complete in order to keep your active brain happy, I find it’s best that you intentionally include personal time into your calendar and stick to it as if it’s an important meeting. Instead of waiting for free time to pop up and then thinking “well now what?,” put plans in place ahead of time on your calendar to take time for yourself. Maybe the first few hours on the calendar are spent reflecting about the activities you already enjoy or some new ones you want to check out. Then plan out when you’re going to do them. An hour on Wednesday afternoon going for a hike at whatever trail, 2 hours Saturday evening watching your favorite TV show, 1 hour Friday night joining your friend for an event you’ve never heard of before. Be specific and be intentional with your time. I think you’ll find that it helps your brain to still be in that “go get it!” mentality when you’re actively and purposefully setting aside time for yourself to break up with monotony and relax your brain. It’s not only good for your overall physical health, but it will help you avoid burnout and allow you to become happier and more productive with the time you do spend at work.
That’s what I’d suggest you start working on. Start today by putting an hour block on your upcoming calendar to sit down and intentionally plan out when you will take time for yourself and what you might want to do. Then hold yourself accountable for relaxing and taking care of yourself just as you would a job responsibility.
My wife is high anxiety. I spend a lot of my marriage quelling her fears. We deal by making lists and plans. She hates the idea of going out and doing things. When she’s out and doing thing and everything is in place and on plan, she always has a lot of fun.
My recommendation, make a plan. There will always be an infinite amount of work. It’s not a game you can win.
