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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-07-07 04:01:02+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/NoSilver6855
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for not wanting to leave a chair free in honor of my late wife at my wedding?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas + u/soayherder + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: harassment
Original Post: June 26, 2024
My first wife passed away 12 ago and I was really young at that time, I did my best to get over the loss and move on. I loved her in the past but it’s my past now and I need to live the present for myself, I found another love.
I met my girlfriend seven years ago, I love her and she has always respected that I am a widower. I don’t really name my first wife except on occasions when I tell an anecdote where she is there and I don’t have pictures or anything of her in my home, I want to give my girlfriend the place she deserves. I’ve had many bad experiences in a grief help group and learned what NOT to do in a new relationship.
I’m going to get married in November, at first I didn’t know whether to invite my first wife’s family because I didn’t know if they would want to attend so I never said anything to them or invited them to the wedding, I don’t talk with them except for a text every few months but her mother was the one who texted me to tell me that she would be very happy to go so I ended up inviting her and her husband, they kinda invited themselves and I have problems with saying ‘no’, much more in that kind of situation.
On the weekend we were putting some things together and my mother told me that it would be good to put an extra chair in honor of my first wife, that was an idea of my late wife’s mother but she didn’t talked about that with me first but with my mother.
We pay per seat, each chair we put up is charged as if it were a person (They would even charge me for drink AND FOOD, as if someone was really present and honestly I am quite tight financially on the wedding) so I think it would be a waste of money in something symbolic because If I do that for her I also have to do that for ALL the members of my family who died because they would complain about it, my father and brother also died so that would be even more money. I’m not a spiritual person neither so I don’t believe in those things and I don’t like any kind of ritual or symbolic thing, I also don’t want to have a moment to talk about deceased people and kill the atmosphere, I just want a nice and joyful wedding for my girlfriend.
Just to make my mother shut up I said that if someone offers to pay the money I will do ask for more chairs (There would be seven relatives, too many, I knew that nobody was going to pay for that) because I can’t spend money in more things but no one talked and I tought that she would forget that but my mother said that then I should include photos of me with my first wife when they show the typical video of the bride and groom as they grow up.
I just… Don’t want to do that, I even find disrespectful for my girlfriend to put pictures of my first wife when I’m getting married again, let alone make a whole video about those times, it’s just weird to me but I KNOW that there are widowers who have done so it leaves me confused.
My first wife appears in some of the photos I chose to go through in the video (not the one my mother wants me to do), in photos where I’m traveling with friends or family, it’s not that I’m hiding her identity or anything like that but I just want that moment to be my wife and mine, I already healed.
My mother has been doing everything to make me feel guilty and honestly it’s hard not to feel guilty when the words come from a person who went through the same thing as me. I know my girlfriend would agree because she’s really kind and she has already said that she is not really interested in what others think because she is the one who will be my wife. I’m the one who feels uncomfortable, AITAH?
I want that moment to be my girlfriend and mine, I already had that moment with my first wife years ago, now I want to have this moment with her, is it a bad thing?
EDIT: Please stop recommending me to make a table with photos of the dead, make a speech, put centerpieces, etc, I don’t want to do any of that.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
OOP on if his fiancee knew about his mother’s idea of the tributes for the wedding
OOP: She doesn’t know my mother said that. When my mother told me to do that “tribute” I instantly told her no but she has been filling my head with the fact that I am being a bad person and that I’m dirtying the memory of a dead person, I’m not a religious person but it’s hard not to feel guilty when the words come from someone who also lost a loved one.
My girlfriend knows that I’m really over the whole past and she really wouldn’t care what they do but I’m the one who doesn’t want to do that
OOP provides the background of how weddings are charged in his area, noting he is not from US
OOP: I’m not from US, Reddit is used by people all over the world.
At least in the place where I will have the wedding they charge me for a table and chair, so if some of the guests miss the wedding, I will have to pay that money anyway. The managers calculate the chairs per portion of food, it’s a shit but that’s how it is here, that way they handle what they are in charge since their logic is one chair per head.
Here many people charge the guests for the seat and food but my wife and I did not want to do that. I thought that everywhere the drinks was charged since it is a separated service
alisonchains2023: No way on the chair. I’ll go a step further and say your first wife should not be in the SLIGHTEST bit included in the video you plan to show, even if she is just “with family”. This wedding is ALL about your new bride, and you two are the stars of the show. Period. The End.
NTA.
OOP: We both put pictures of us with our families and it is inevitable that my late wife appears in some of them and I think it would be strange to edit her out of them. My girlfriend put a photo of her graduation with friends where her ex-boyfriend appears on one side and I don’t see any problem with it. The main focus of all the photos is still just us
OOP on the terms on calling his girlfriend/bride, not fiancée in his country
OOP: In my country we don’t really use that word, we just call our gf “Novia” which means girlfriend and ALSO bride in English. It’s rare to hear someone say ‘my fiancée’ at least where I live
In my country we don’t use the word “fiancé”, it’s weird to use it and if you say it, people look at you funny for trying to sound too polite. We refer to our partners as “girlfriend/wife”, we don’t all have the same culture and language. Luckily my girlfriend wouldn’t break off the engagement over a word.
Update: June 30, 2024
[First of all I want to clarify that in Spanish “Novia” means girlfriend AND bride, The word “fiancée” is not really used in my country because it sounds too respectful, .]
I talked to my girlfriend about the exact situation, until now she had always said that she doesn’t care and supports me in whatever i decide, but when I told her that it makes me uncomfortable and what my mother said, she just got angry and told me “let’s talk to your mother”. She has the balls I don’t have tbh.
When my Ex-MIL found out about my engagement she sent me a message saying “I’m really happy for you, me and (her husband’s name) would love to attend” I really didn’t know how to reject such a direct self-invitation and my wife told me to invite them if I felt comfortable with that, at that moment I had no problem since they had always been respectful people, that was a big mistake.
I talked to my mother and she showed me that my Ex-MIL started to send her random messages after I posted about getting married with my girl, my Ex-MIL sent her messages like “today I really miss my daughter, it’s a shame that your son is forgetting her since it would be a good idea to visit her grave but he doesn’t want to” or “My daughter really would have loved to attend the wedding.” everyday, They had contact from time to time so my mother didn’t find that too weird. My mother felt pressured and under her own beliefs she also pressured me, she apologized to me and my wife and said she was out of line.
Honestly, that triggered me. My mother lost a son AND A HUSBAND, I grew up seeing how people expected the same thing they expected of me from her. I got angry and talked to my Ex-MIL, It really bothered me that they tried to manipulate my mother knowing what she suffered and how sensitive she is about that topic.
EX-FIL apologized and his wife did not, She said she finds it disrespectful that I don’t do anything in honor of her daughter and that I even stopped wearing my wedding ring when she died. I’m not going to take that personally, I know that the death of a child is really hard but I’m not an extension of her daughter, I am my own person.
I …
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