So I’ve been in a relationship for a while where it feels like I am much better at navigating my partner’s feelings and supporting them in hard times than they are for me. I’ll give a recent example of what I mean, and here I should put a content warning for a deceased pet.
My partner’s last childhood dog recently passed away, she was getting pretty old and was in failing health for a bit. When she died it wasn’t a terrible shock but it was very sad. My partner got some remembrances from the cremation and upon receiving them was very upset. They didn’t want to just hide the remembrances away somewhere because it felt disrespectful but also couldn’t deal with it at that time. So I stepped in, said, OK, I’ll take them, they’re going to be kept out in the open, not hidden, but I will hold them for you until you’re ready to reach a more permanent solution. Pretty good response if you ask me.
Now flip the script, say I’m the one in need. My partner doesn’t have anything other than cliches or proposed solutions to my problems that clearly aren’t well thought out and are effectively useless. I feel very unsupported emotionally a lot of the time.
But it isn’t just this relationship. I feel this throughout my life. I’ve wondered at times if this is a performed gender roles sort of thing. I’m a man and nobody has said to me directly “you’re a man just don’t have problems lmao” but it does at times feel like we are dancing around that implication. I don’t know. Just curious if other people have experienced this because I’m sick of needing to be the mature party in my relationships. If I cut off everyone that made me feel this way I’d be alone.
Yeah OK so a few things. First I want to be completely clear that my post is not meant to be read as anti-woman, in any way. Sorry to say your comment comes across as blaming women for what I’m describing and is not constructive. It’s hard to read tone in text like this so I don’t want to overstate the point but I want to be completely clear.
Further, the point of my post is to talk about the subject of non-reciprocal relationships in general. This is not necessarily gender-coded although it probably often is. You can have male-male relationships, for example, where one party is much better at supporting the other than vice versa (one person’s a better friend, as it were).
Finally, what you’ve written is descriptive, which is fine, but I think we all kind of know that patriarchy does this. But I can’t snap my fingers and solve toxic masculinity. I’m trying to ask how to navigate these conditions as we find them - other people must be frustrated by similar things and I’m looking for strategies to manage the worry that comes from thinking nobody will be there for you when you really need them.
Sorry if this comes across as scolding, I just wanted to make the purpose of the post clear and hopefully this pushes things in a more productive direction.
Wow what a coward, I dare you to come back and tell us all about your brilliant ideas about women and see how it goes in the MarKetPlaCE oF iDeaS
Yeah, that sucks. I already find it depressing to interact with people when they don’t want to operate at the same level of depth I do with things. Like, when I’m anxious about something and they just throw out some Dr. Phil-level shit that’s both untrue, unhelpful, and obviously copied from TV, religion, political propaganda. Feels like you can see the strings puppeting people and human interaction is pointless.
I don’t know if there’s any way to “fix” this situation but I spent nearly twenty years (with some large gaps) in an asymmetrical relationship like this and it really fucked me up. If it’s causing you pain you might do better to look elsewhere. After a very long healing process I’ve started dating again and found some far more empathetic and caring people (also all queer and ND, take that as you will). I’m not saying cut everyone off but maybe start looking for new people that don’t suck. If you’re even a little bit queer try going to local queer events and meeting people. I was in the closet forever due to my abusive straight-passing relationship destroying my will to live and I’ve met a lot of cool people that are willing to hang out and talk about our feelings and problems.
Thanks comrade for sharing your experience. I’m definitely afraid that I will talk myself into staying long past the relationship’s expiration date. I’m not abused in this relationship but I feel very burdened by it and somewhat unable to be myself. But your overall point to stay open to new relationships of all kinds is well taken and I will do my best to keep engaging, my tendency is unfortunately to shut down when things aren’t working which can’t solve anything.
Anyway, I hope that you’re well and again thanks for sharing your experience with me.
If you haven’t already, start by communicating that you need more and different kinds of emotional support from your partner. They deserve a chance to develop this skill. If they’re not able or willing to meet your needs, you’re not a good fit. I learned this the hard way. But you deserve someone who can meet your emotional support needs.
As far as the other non-romantic relationships go, you don’t have to cut people off, but you should find other, more empathetic people to lean on. I have very close friends that I know will be there for me when I need emotional support. I also have other good friends who aren’t as good at it, and we get along just fine and bond over shared interests.
I’m on the other side of this sort of situation and I think this is a good way to approach it at first.
I have a hard time opening up to people and I recognize that. But recognizing it and acting on it are two different things. So to the OP give them that push and let them know that you want more from them. They may already know that they aren’t giving you enough. Right now I have to deal with the worst feeling of having someone I really cared about and had feelings for distance themselves from me because I didn’t really give it my all. And I was hoping she’d let me know, but she didn’t. And I don’t blame her for that if course. It’s just more difficult for some of us than others to fully express ourselves.
I can imagine it is hard to know what you need to do and for whatever reason feel that it’s out of reach. My partner has expressed the same feeling to me and, quite frankly, taken moments of great pain for me and made them about her feelings of inadequacy for not knowing how to support me. There are a lot of traps to walk into here.
I will keep communicating, I will keep trying for as long as it makes sense to. I just am running out of ways to say “please help me or at least don’t make this worse”.
Thanks - I have been communicating about this and maybe there has been some improvement. But we have been together a long time, so the fact that I’m not even sure things have improved is a bad sign. I will keep putting in the best effort I can though as long as I’m in the relationship. It’s tricky because I can tell my partner has a good core that wants to help me, but she can’t get to that emotional place that lets her connect due to her own anxieties. I can see a path where we support each other but right now I would say her needs are getting met significantly more than my own, and I’m scared that I will talk myself into staying even if I shouldn’t.
you should find other, more empathetic people to lean on.
Yeah you’re right, it’s probably a numbers game. You can’t gel with everyone. I’ve just been dealt a very rough hand for the last few years and it feels hopeless but it’s only hopeless if we give up.
i had a nasty situation emerge from almost literally the start of covid (she came with the disease i guess), of a really inadvised third to our relationship (we are poly, but it was the first time we tried something as a proper live-in triad), and it was a situation that was quickly very one sided. She could provide money, and she tried to use it as a means of emotional control. She was very fragile emotionally, had an active meth addiction she was “hiding” [i know what that looks like, it just took time to accept that’s what it was and begin being dilligent about catching her lies] - but I spent the better part of a year and a half putting up with this person who needed constant love and affirmation and gave absolutely none of it, but would money-bomb a couple of broke girls into putting up with it when she smelled a threat to her place with us.
The financial security for that year and a half was nowhere close to worth what she did to my head. PTSD symptoms worsened. Seeing obvious drug abuse behavior but being told by someone who doesnt know what that looks like, and someone just straight up lying and gaslighting, took a huge toll on my emotional stability.
I try to be there for my nesting partner still, but it has been three and a half years and I’m still not over it.
These things will ruin you if you let them. Sometimes it’s best to move on, and as much as it hurt, emotionally and financiallly, We told her to leave when the lease was up, because she wouldn’t be on it when we renewed.
That signed us up, ultimately, for a long game of cyclical poverty - but that’s somehow less fucking terrible than living with that kind of damage.
Take care of your brain.
