There is this guy I like, I have reason to think he may like me too but we’re both playing dumb, or maybe I’m just imagining it all.
Yes, that’s how immature I am. Now please help me.
We’ve known each other for years and we seem to get close to each other, then we take distance, then close again, repeat, repeat, repeat.
I’m terrified of losing him as a friend for trying to be more than just that. I’ve already lost people for showing my interest and I’ve also had to burn the bridge with guys who wouldn’t give me space or kept hitting up on me repeatedly. This happens.
I would like to create a consistent, regular conversation going on. I’m afraid of overwhelming him so I don’t even know what’s a good frequency to reach out.
Personally the biggest challenge for me is finding ways to deepen our conversations. Things tend to stay pretty much on the surface most of the time, even though we can talk of almost any topic openly. Another barrier is our very different interests, we have almost no shared media in common (different music, different shows watched/liked, different videogames liked etc).
Usually when talking to other friends, conversations tend to naturally steer towards more meaningful topics. I don’t know if I’m inadvertently holding myself back with him, or if finding meaningful topics has always been a thing started by the other person and I’ve never realized it.
So, any tips?
Have you got ways to deepen conversations?
Guys, have girls ever impressed you positively and how?
Thanks
I already responded somewhere else, but I have more response that doesn’t make sense in that context.
First, about deepening conversation. I don’t know about this guy, so I’ll talk about myself. I have things I’m interested in, let’s call them “interests”, and I like to talk about them. And the only thing that stops me from talking about them constantly to everyone is the social understanding that they don’t want to hear about my interests.
So all it takes to have me talk about stuff is enough questions to demonstrate you really want to know.
“What do you like about blah blah blah?” will probably get a short answer because he’s used to people not really wanting to know more, so he’s giving the smallest answer that answers the question. But then, you ask a question about his answer. “Huh, how is that different than blah blah?”
Now maybe longer answer, you listen and ask based on that, and if you can manage it you could also circle back to a previous answer to connect some dots. That’s now a discussion! Now, of course, you do have to listen. Unsure if that’s a skill of yours or not.
As for the asking out, I think you should do it. But if you don’t trust yourself to deliver the speech live, you could write it down / print it out. Just make sure it contains escape hatches for him that assure him it’s okay if he doesn’t share your feelings, and that he can just tell you if that’s the case, and probably ends by saying he doesn’t need to necessarily give you an answer now and you’re just happy you could get it off your chest. I think going for something casual is better than something heartfelt and romantic, but I don’t know the two of you. The most important thing is that he knows, and the second most important thing is that you don’t want it to wreck things if feelings aren’t mutual.
And if you don’t want to awkwardly read it, you could just hand it to him and let him read it at his own pace. This lets you watch his face while reading, if he makes facial expressions and if you can read them.
I would recommend against an email or a text, though. It feels like, from the bits of your personality I’ve picked up here, the time between when you send it to whenever he responds is going to be absolute torture for you. Whereas he might just be busy and not have even seen it yet, you’ll already be inventing bad scenarios and deciding which new city you should move to since you obviously can’t stay here, etc, etc 😉
So probably best to deliver it in person, maybe at the end of a hangout, so you can be sure he received it and read it. And I know you may be scared, but don’t tell him to read it after you’re gone, because that’s now email territory where you can’t ever know if he’s read it yet! Just have him read it, assure him it’s okay if he doesn’t agree, and let him respond. And even if he doesn’t have an answer now, you know it’s done.
Good luck!
Most people have encouraged you to be direct, and they are right in that it will very quickly get you a yes no answer. And also that it’s more effective on men.
But it’s equally true that if someone isn’t expecting that at all, a confession can surprise and stress them, as they struggle to put their feelings towards you together and decide on a future right in that moment.
And that can sometimes lead to rejection when it might not have occurred had the way been paved a bit more gradually.
To get specific, that involves doing things with just the two of you. But it also usually involves doing a shared interest, which you’ve said you don’t have.
So if you’re serious, I would suggest you think about what you know of his interests, and seeing if there’s anything you’d potentially like to know more about/get involved in.
Then say something like “hey I’ve started getting into __ a little bit, and I know you’ve been into that for a while, do you know of any __ happening soon I could go to?”
If he has any interest in you at all and is not completely dense, he will usually mention something, and if he does he’ll possibly invite you. Even if it’s like “don’t know of anything now but that sounds fun”, that is also an invitation for you to look up and propose events.
Once you’re at __ together, as the “expert” in the topic he’ll naturally take on more of the “host” role, which will get him talking. If he stops, unfortunately it is usually the woman that has to “go fishing” for topics, since men are not very good at it. Luckily being at __, which you’re not familiar, with means your questions will be real and natural.
And then there is the simple fact that if a man said “I’m cold” and then leaned against a women, he would be thought as creepy, pushy, or presumptuous, but if a woman does it, it’s sweet and endearing even if the man doesn’t like them romantically, because it shows you feel safe with him.
But sometimes, a man doesn’t know how he feels until he’s forced to notice. That will get him to notice. And then he’ll decide, and since men are not very good about hiding their emotions, as they’ve never been forced to, you’ll almost certainly know his decision by how he behaves toward you after that.
And if you think the answers yes, it’s then when you’d be direct. Of course, if you’ve dropped enough hints, maybe you won’t have to.
I’ll help with the deep conversation part. All conversations can go deep, if you keep questioning them.
It’s hot out today. -is it getting hotter every year? Seems like it. I think it’s global warming. -what do you think the solutions are?
I think Gary is cool. -what do you like about him? He’s got a sweet mustache -have you always liked mustaches? My uncle had a mustache, he used to takes us to cool places when we were kids. -would you say your uncle had a big impact on your life?
The point is, if you keep inquiring a step deeper, the conversation inevitably becomes deep. Good luck, and have fun.
To echo what a lot of people are saying, just go for it with confidence (which is easier said than done, I know.) “Hey, I think we would be a good couple and I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometimes.” And if they no with same confidence (or fake it) “I’m so sorry, i must have misread the situation. Don’t worry, you don’t have have to be awkward around me.”. And that’ll take the pressure off of both of you so it’s not weird
You could ask:
- What’s your best quality?
- What’s your worst quality?
- What does “home” mean to you?
- What’s your favorite childhood memory?
- Who are your role models?
- What is your relationship with your like?
- What is your idea of happiness?
- Where do you see yourself five years from now?
- What goal are you working toward right now?
- What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing right now?
- What does retirement look like to you?
- What’s a skill or quality you would like to develop in yourself?
- Have you ever experienced a life-altering moment that changed your perspective?
- What do you consider your biggest accomplishment so far?
- What’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever been through?
- How do you cope when you’re upset or stressed out?
- What are you grateful for?
- What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
- What’s your worst habit?
- If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Also is kinda tricky; on one hand you could try to find out what hobbies he likes and do them together somehow. But if you do too forceful it might be too much…
So what have you done so far?
We’ve been hanging out a few times, but it wasn’t “a date” even though it was just the two of us most times. We don’t see or talk as frequently as people who are about to start dating do though. I was hoping to build some momentum but from the replies here I’m getting the idea that I’m going to have to man up and ask him on a date formally.
