i genuinely feel like my entire life and mindset have done a… at least a 90 by now, by somehow, somehow getting this hail mary pass off and setting this up. i can’t believe this is real life it’s very bizarre, i’m just shaking with anxiety and energy
i just feel like she’ll hate me upon first sight (this was thru an app) for some reason, she’ll sense the autism, she’ll know i’m off and the next hour will be awkward and she’ll politely say goodbye.
i mean, alternatively, it could go well, she could be cool. she seems cool which i suppose is why i did this. what is happening i cannot believe these are things that are going on in my life i feel like i was just in a major major hitting slump for 10 years, strikeout after strikeout
and then also what if she ghosts me or stands me up like in the films. what then? add it to the list of failures and try to rebuild my self image?
aghufasdf
My tipp: don’t try to analyze and think to much about yourself. It’s like thinking about the way you walk and suddenly walking feels strange and forced. You can’t change who you are, don’t even try it.
Instead try to focus on her, everyone loves a good, active listener. You are there to get to know her anyway, aren’t you?
One thing you should take to your heart. Finding a good match isn’t an easy task, don’t go on a date expecting her to be the one. Eventually you will get disappointed or rejected, that is totally normal and nothing to worry about. It just means you and her weren’t a good fit.
And don’t try to act in a way thats untypical for you just to impress her. You want her to get to know the real you, not the impression of someone you think she would like.
Think about it like a casual date without any expectations is the best you can do
Been writing an article about dating while being AuDHD. While I am not going to pretend I am some guru that is going to turn your dating experience upside down, I have a few things that have worked for me:
- Be open about your neurodivergency. If a person is worth it, they will be interested to know more about it, try to understand and accommodate your needs, and be charmed by your quirks.
- Respect your RSD. If you feel like you are receiving negative feedback don’t shutdown, instead ask for clarification. If you want to do something but are afraid how it will be perceived, ask them. Unsurprisingly, people tend to appreciate the check-ins, it is perceived as you being caring.
- Try pebbling. It is the act of sharing things that you think the other person would appreciate. Feel free to info dump, feel free to share relevant experiences.
- Be meta as fuck. Explain your thought process, why you are doing something, and that train of thought that led to you saying seemingly completely irrelevant. Allistic people don’t understand neurodivergence, but the right people will make the effort.
- Be honest. Maybe you don’t feel safe to expose your date to your fully unmasked self, and that’s okay. BUT, honesty can go a long way. See something you like? Turn that into a compliment! Feeling insecure? Explain that and ask for validation! Something bothers you? Ask for the appropriate accommodations!
- Don’t try to impress the other person. Instead give your date the chance to like the real you. It’s much more sustainable in the long term, you will feel more free and safe in your relationship, and it’s fucking good to be appreciated.
- Routinize flirting. The consistency feels great for the other person, everyone needs a confidence boost and a few words of affirmation.
You got this! And congrats! Just remember to relax! I bet you’ll have a great time, but if any of those negative things happen don’t worry about it! You’ve proven you can get dates so it won’t be your last chance anyway. And who knows, they might have asd as well!
What other good things have been goin on for ya?
Autism is not a deal-breaker. My spouse has ADHD and I have ASD. Granted, each of our neurotypes causes the other some frustration, but both are also factors in why we were attracted to each other in the first place.
Neurodivergent individuals often select for each other in partners and there are a lot of similar patterns in my extended family (to use your phrasing, they’re all a bit “off”!). None of the relationship failures have been as a result of neurotype and most are still married, with the failures due to the same problems that NT couples deal with - poor communication, emotional immaturity, refusal to learn and grow, etc.
The key thing is to be yourself. If she likes you, you want her to like you for you, not the facade that so many of us have to wear to survive in the NT world.
And if she ghosts you, that’s not a failure on your part. It says more about her than you - you took the risk and put yourself out there. If she doesn’t show, perhaps she is insecure and afraid of telling you she’s changed her mind, or perhaps something happened to prevent her from being there (since you mention films, this is a common trope too). Just be kind to yourself.
This is a big deal, all i can say is, Good luck, and hope everything ends up well for both of you.
