I think I have basically no dysphoria or almost none. Is this common, or does it mean I’m not trans?
My position is kind of simple—I actually enjoy being a dude; it’s pretty rad most of the time. Yet, I like women, desire them, and sometimes I want to be them.
That said, there are some important caveats. I’m completely fine growing old as a man, but I dread the idea of aging as a woman. That might be internalized misogyny, but it is what it is. I also feel like I’m building something in my life, and becoming a trans woman of color (I’m Black) wouldn’t exactly help my goals; it would make everything harder I assume.
On top of that, I’ve recently started to live. I meet people in real life, I have a partner, and I’m learning to cook. For the last 5-7 years, I was a reclusive hermit who mostly went to work and lurked online. I feel like if I want to transition, I should do it within the next year, but it’s all a bit much.
I came out to an online friend as trans about 10 years ago, and they were pretty chill about it, but I walked it back. Fast forward to now—I recently told my partner that I’m thinking about transitioning, and they were very supportive and sweet. However, the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to get cold feet.
I can’t think of many bigger, more impactful decisions than transitioning, aside from becoming a parent or getting drafted into a large war, maybe. I think people who transition are very brave, but at my core, I’ve always been a lazy coward
Any input is welcome. If it matters im also in my mid 30s.
EDIT . Yes I made a somewhat similar thread some time ago…but circumstances change.
So, before I realized I was trans, I didn’t think I had dysphoria because at the time I wasn’t sure what it really was. The thing that ended up cracking my egg wide open was this article: https://zinniajones.medium.com/depersonalization-in-gender-dysphoria-widespread-and-widely-unrecognized-baaac395bcb0
This basically describes things I’ve been dealing with my entire life, but never realized could be connected. Once I saw this I started connecting the dots and it was suddenly very clear to me that I was trans. I’d be curious if you think any of these things mentioned in the article apply to you:
- A sense of detachment or estrangement from your own thoughts, feelings, or body: “I know I have feelings but I don’t feel them”
- Feeling split into two parts, with one going through the motions of participating in the world and one observing quietly: “There is this body that walks around and somebody else just watches”
- Feeling as if you have an “unreal” or absent self: “I have no self”
- Experiencing the world as distant, dreamlike, foggy, lifeless, colorless, artificial, like a picture with no depth, or less than real
- Being absorbed in yourself and experiencing a compulsive self-scrutiny or extreme rumination
- Having an ongoing and coherent dialogue with yourself
- Feeling like a veil or glass wall separates you from the world
- Emotional or physical numbness, such as a feeling of having a head filled with cotton
- Lacking a sense of agency or spontaneity — feeling flat, robotic, dead, or like a “zombie”, as if merely “going through the motions”
- Difficulty imagining a future for yourself
- Being able to think clearly, but feeling as if some essential quality is lacking from your thoughts or experience of the world
- A sense of disconnectedness from life, impeding you from creative and open involvement with the world
Also for context, this is a comment I made prior to realizing I was trans, describing my feelings at that time:
Hmmmm… Yeah I usually don’t think I would be trans just because I don’t feel like I have a strong desire to switch genders completely, and I don’t think I have strong physical dysphoria. However, I also am (and I think always have been) uncomfortable with my “maleness” in a lot of ways, and a lot of things I’m reading here apply to me. Also kind of related I guess, yesterday I was talking in a discord chat about how in high school I’d sometimes paint my nails or wear this skirt I had, and I was thinking people probably have suspicions with me talking about that. Really I think maybe I’m a bit more non-binary than I feel like I’m allowed to be, but I’m also physically very “male” so I don’t realistically know what I could possibly do with that information in the real world.
Does this seem at least a little bit familiar and/or something you can relate to? I’d recommend taking the advice that was given to me here, which is to experiment a bit and see how it makes you feel. Maybe try women’s clothes, or make up, or just close your eyes and try to imagine yourself as a woman. How does it make you feel? Is it something you would want to explore a little more?
edit: we posted this to show that this experience is so normal that it was turned into meme x3
CW: dysphoria, anxiety
why do you want to be a woman if you are fine being a dude and don’t want to grow old as a woman?
If I could push a button that would turn me into a woman, I would push it. I’m okay being a dude, and as I said, I enjoy it most of the time. I’m not unhappy as a dude, if that’s the question. That said, I sometimes feel like I would be even happier if I lived as a woman. I guess you could say being a woman would be my true form, my true self. Some people would say that alone makes it worth pursuing transitioning. Basically, I think I would prefer being a woman, but there are some obvious downsides to it, like misogyny and being trans in a society that is moving towards fascism.
My heart says I should transition, but my mind says FUCK NO -don’t do it.
I’m aware this might come off as a first-world problem that I even feel like there is a choice.
I, as a person, don’t really look ahead or plan much for the future. There are things I do in the present that I will regret years later. So yes, I would push the button (and then probably bathe in blood to stave off aging or something).
You don’t need dysphoria to be trans, but thinking you don’t have dysphoria isn’t exactly rare for eggs in the early stages. Lots of trans folks learn to bottle up these things - and then often manifest them in different ways, such as somatoform ailments, dissociation, substance abuse or even feeling dysphoric about traits that do not live up to expectations for their AGAB. As an egg, i constantly had some weird pains that no doctor could explain. I spent ages hating my crappy, sparse beard growth, then after the damm broke my five o clock shadown became my worst, absolutely devestating dysphoria trigger until laser solved that problem. Having gynecomastia as an egg confused the hell out of me. Always looking kinda androgynous made it really hard for me to experience dysphoria as clearly as many other trans folks, but in hindsight, it was always there, and it was bad. I spent ages coping with it and it almost ruined me. But i didn’t only lack the words for it, it also felt different from what i realized once i finally put two and two together.
And after a couple years of transitioning, i find it very detrimental to define the trans experience largely over dysphoria. I had a phase were i could hardly think of anything else, it really crushes a lot of baby trans, but it doesn’t stay like that for a lot of us. Transitioning and living as myself is about joy, freedom, exploration and being true to myself. I’m just happy being a woman, and that’s not dependent on how unhappy i was trying to live as a boy. I mean, yeah, that was shit, but that’s not what made me want to transition. The moments where i looked in the mirror and could already see myself as a woman where. And when your closest peers are accepting, but you’re weary how the world at large will react, you could do a lot of experimentation in private. Even stuff like HRT can be inconspicious for a long time.
And lastly, your options aren’t just man or woman. Genderfluidity is a thing, being nonbinary is a thing, being agender is a thing. But a lot of people do not think of that when questioning.
You don’t have to be binary trans, you can be gender fluid, an enby (non-binary), etc.
The primary narrative we hear about trans women is that “they’ve known since they were 6” and they barely made it to 20 without some kind of self harm (some doing much harsher things I wont elaborate on) because of the intensity of dysphoria. This wasn’t my story. I transitioned in my late 20s, before that fateful year I cracked my egg, I would’ve said I didnt have dysphoria and vaguely enjoyed being a man. From this side of my egg crack, its much more obvious that I was suffering but had learned to push all that down - and I had been so unhappy for so long that I didn’t know what it meant to actually like your gender and yourself. For me, that was just being a man was like. I have very easily identifiable dysphoria NOW - I’ve always hated looking in the mirror since puberty or watching or hearing myself on film, before it was just a quirk, now it’s because I was experiencing dysphoria. I’ve always preferred how girls write and tried my best to avoid reading my own writing - same thing. I fantasized about being born a girl - which, cmon how’d I not know… but at the time it was about how my brother would’ve been better off if he was the oldest son…
Transitioning is not a forever thing if you don’t want it to. Luckily for you, you seem to be leaning in the trans femme direction. If you choose to take feminizing HRT, it takes months before there’s noticeable changes - infamously there’s a sadly somewhat common story of trans women in the closet taking hrt for years and their wives and friends not noticing… if you’re scared you’ll cross this invisible barrier and never be able to go back, well good news is that it’s just in your head. You’re allowed to detransition if youd like, you have permission from a trans woman (me) if that’s what you needed. Also, in terms of aging… Ill just say E is magic and you’ll hold on to a youthful appearance longer if you’re on it~
I think it’s totally normal to feel apprehensive about transitioning to the femme side. Because it does mean taking on misogyny in a way you didn’t necessarily have to before. You also have to deal with the double whammy of mysogynoir which even your fellow (white) sisters may not comprehend on top of being trans. It can be frightening, but you don’t have to face it alone. You have your partner and accepting friends, you can do this - if you want. You don’t need to leap into it completely, you’re allowed to experiment and go slowly and reverse if you want. I’m suspecting you’ll do the same thing as a lot of trans people - take it one step at a time, find it’s really nice but be apprehensive about the next step so stay for a while, then move on and repeat! That’s probably the most common narrative for transition, just baby steps until it’s 4 years later and you’re signing up for bottom surgery wondering why you didn’t do this sooner lol
