Around 2 years ago, I was with a roommate in this transitional housing program. One night, I am sleeping to get up for a really early shift, like pre-6 AM. I hear my phone ring while I’m sleeping, and it’s him complaining about some mess or something of the sort he saw in the living room. He was basically accusing me of causing it, but it turned out that this “mess” he was complaining about didn’t exist, and this was a bluff for him to get me over to the living room so that he could… do something to me.
I really wanted to back out and go to bed. I told him that I have work in the morning, and this is causing me too much stress. He proceeded to strip right in front of me, even though I made it clear to him that I’d rather not. He was seeming really demanding for us to have sex, so out of fear and under pressure, I told him, “Okay, I’ll do it with you.”
This moment was really horrific to me when it happened, and I think back to it nearly every single day, but I never have actually told anyone about it in my personal life or even online. It got too much today when I started crying just now because of it.
I’m so scared that if I’m around the wrong people, something like this could happen again. I’m trying to hold back my tears, but really pondering about what happened is so scary that I can’t.
I just needed to say something about it, even if it’s anonymously online.
I’m so sorry comrade
I’ve been in similar situations and unfortunate amount of times and it still fucks with me.
Please know you didn’t do anything to deserve it
Saying it to other people is very hard, but it’s also a very strong step towards getting some kind of mastery over it. I’m sorry that person did that to you. Reaching a point where you can, and need to, talk about what was done to you, it’s important. I was somewhere similar, years ago. Similar kind of attack. When I was able to talk about it, it helped me take it outside of myself and make it an event that happened in the world. It was attached to a time and a place and an attacker. I got to the point where it was something that happened to me, not something that was part of me. You’re on a good path.
Crying is part of how your body processes stress, how it starts to fix itself after something awful happens. It’s as much a part of healing as a scab forming on a wound, or a fever, or a bruise. If you don’t want to cry I understand, but let me also say that you don’t need to hold back if you don’t want to.
You did something very important and very strong, reaching a place where you can talk about what was done to you.
That’s horrible, comrade. I am extremely sorry that that happened to you, not a single person deserves to have their autonomy flagrantly violated like that. You did nothing to deserve it, your pain is valid.
I just want to say that you have my profound sympathy. Whenever I hear of suffering like that, it hits me a bit close to home since one of the closest people in my life once confided in me, years after telling no one, about suffering through something similar to what you said. From that I understand a bit how suffering like that can leave horrible wounds that hurt years afterwards and compound a person’s pain. All of that makes trying to find happiness in living life very difficult. I hope you are able to find ways that you feel are the best for overcome that pain. 💛
I’m sorry. You did not deserve that. Your comrades are here for you.
