I’m a 40-year old dude with… let’s say, plenty of issues. Most of them stemming from childhood but adulthood has been equally painful so far.
I’ve been looking into self-help a lot lately and notice that many techniques tell you to focus on a person whom you consider an example, a role model you want to emulate.
The problem is, I don’t have any. None. My own father was an abusive alcoholic who offed himself when I was 15. My mother did her best but was a neurotic wreck with many untreated mental health issues of her own. She eventually found a new partner whom I looked up to for many years since he was finally that role model I thought I needed.
But a few years ago he tried to seduce my own partner (which luckily didn’t succeed), resulting in my esteem for him immediately imploding completely.
In the greater world, outside of my own little atmosphere, there aren’t really any actors or business people or coworkers, bosses, teachers… that I’ve looked up to or ever had any kind of relationship with. Sure, there are many people I admire for whatever they may have contributed to humanity, but that doesn’t mean they’re some kind of shining example in every area of their lives.
I guess I’m just trying to communicate that I’m a 40-year old dude with daddy issues and I have no idea how to healthily cope with it or even fix it.
Before anyone asks, I’m on a waiting list for professional treatment. Been a month, 5 more to go (in a best case scenario).
How did others cope with this specifically? Did you have any insights in what ideas to emulate or how to handle certain difficulties in life through the lens of a mentor? Is it even desirable or is it just another crutch for the weak-minded to cope with, well, being weak-minded?
Dear Kyrgizion, first a virtual hug (or whatever you are comfortable with) from an internet stranger.
I will share my thoughts freely, take what you need and throw away the rest, these are the results of my own meditations.
We are all humans, and humans are imperfect. I don’t think there is anyone that is a shining example in all areas, but some people are better than others in some areas, and you can use them as limited models.
Let’s think of Steve Jobs for example: he was a visionary, he was passionate about his job and was a great communicator. Those are all things we can admire of him. He was also short-tempered, had a god complex, and believed in dubious “medicines” that ended up killing him. This are also things we should recognize of him. Then, don’t throw the whole model away, just recognize that it’s a limited model.
In the same way, you can look at people in your own life and notice the pieces of them you like. Then you can strive to be like them, limited to those parts.
You could look at your neighbor that’s always smiling, and you could strive to be more positive. That doesn’t mean that that person is perfect in every other way. This also can help in realizing that the bad of people around you is just one of their facets. They are humans, they also have hood in them.
Don’t think of who to look up to, think about who you want to be. You clearly know what is right or wrong. Aim to be the guy you want to. Don’t like cheating? Don’t cheat. Like honesty? Be honest. The plus side is it is simple, you know what is right and you learn to respect yourself. Also be honest with your self and willing to learn and improve.
A book I found nice was No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover. The focus is on living by your integrity etc.
I think that defining your idea of a role model could be an interesting long-term project. Ask yourself questions like: What kind of traits do you think a role model should have? What kind of careers or hobbies do you think would attract a person with these traits? What kind of books or documentaries can you find that will introduce you to people like this? What are the things they do that you want to emulate? What other traits do they have that you didn’t initially consider? Where might you find people like this in your real life?
You might not find a single perfect role model to look up to, but hopefully you’ll learn more about what kind of person you want to be.
I’m in a similar boat. I decided to become a role model, if not for myself then for others who needed it. I’m bipolar so I use my lifetime experience to help others through tough times. I’m physically strong so I use my knowledge of training to help others. I’ve learned a lot of skills so I make sure to teach those skills to others.
You can’t change what happened in the past and you cant insert people who weren’t there. Forget it all. Be your own ideal role model and let others look up to you. People like us are stronger than “normal” people for what we’ve been through and had to cope with. We’re not the norm, we’re the ideal.
In my experience, there are very very few people who are shining examples in all walks of life. I look at everyone as a role model, things to do as well as those not to do. There are lessons to be learned from everyone, some people only teach you how not to be.
