yesterday they delivered a mattress and one of those adjustable bed frames i ordered a few weeks ago, and took away my old mattress (14 years, originally $200). i haven’t had a good night’s sleep in probably 3+ years and only thought about “maybe it’s the mattress” after stumbling on some discussion online where somebody posted almost-religiously about figuring out their sleep style and getting a decent mattress to suit it.

so fuck it, i did the whole deal where i went to a place and laid down on a bunch of mattress/frame configurations. almost zonked out in the store on one of them in a few minutes. my first night (last night) i slept like a rock. normally i toss and turn like an angry pig, trying to do some kind of bullshit pillow+blanket contortion tetris. this was the first time my morning alarm woke me up in god knows how long, with me being in the near exact position i laid down in. normally the first hint of light has me waking up and stirring around in addition to all the other times i would do it throughout the night.

all this set me back a chunk of change, but its starting to look like one of my all time best moves.

This past weekend, I got texted by a friend asking if I was invited to a party I was not invited to by some people from our dance group. About 23 people were invited. She asked because she and her husband were not, and was sure that if I came, I would make sure they were invited. I felt hurt by that, but I also learned who my friends are.

On the other hand, I have finally got over my anxiety around the whole thing, and finally decided to go to some kink stuff, munches and that, and it’s been going great! People there are easy to talk to and quite similar to me. I am intimidated by my lack of experience, as well as the idea of asking anyone to play, but being with them feels quite good!

Im doing okay I think. I started teaching English to foreign students this summer. And it’s alright, the work is draining, and follows me home too. So not a fan of that. Also while the pay is good 44 bucks an hour. That does not include the hour or 3 it takes me to build a lesson. So it turns out I’m making about the same as I’ve been making at the grocery store. I enjoy not being physically exhausted after a day of teaching. But I am now mentally exhausted instead and kind of just watch youtube for 3 hours before falling asleep. And this was just teaching 4 times a week. The full time teachers are teaching 5 days and for 5 or 6 hours a day. I can’t imagine having the energy to do that.

So I’m switching back to working mostly at the grocery store starting in a few weeks. I get paid what I work and when I’m at home I don’t need to think about work.

I don’t know what the right choice is. I feel like a weak willed wimp who can’t just suck it up and commit to working hard enough to make the teaching thing work. I feel like the grocery store job is going to break my body eventually though.

I just want to put in some work, make enough to provide food for myself and my significant other. And I’m just feeling like no matter what I do I’m running to stay in place or falling behind. This is all completely ignoring that I often feel like my teaching is completely terrible and I’m going to ruin someone’s education, but I think that is just imposter’s syndrome.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent this out.

Great! The ADHD meds are working extremely well for me and I can actually do stuff, both boring stuff and stuff I like.

Living in a constant state of unexplainable anxiety is apparently something you can treat with medicine sometimes.

Life is still bad in many ways, few actual friends, few chances for romance, still have to deal with some bad coping habits. But at least I can face these things better.