No for real, I’m bored. Ask me stuff lol.
I’m trying to not lose my mind debugging this stupid Android app. I’m jobless and don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
Recently got diagnosed with ASD at 40. I’m severely depressed and suicidal. I listen to shitty music, read theory and pretend I understand it, oh and I’m super hungover because I suffer from alcoholism. I’m an open book so please don’t doxx me <3.
What’s an extremely weird or specific thing you are proud of?
I have a book of poetry published, and a tiny Android app published but those weren’t hard to get out there really.
Uh…
Ok, I go with this since it’s a hobby, but I build keyboards for fun. I am typing on a keyboard that I built from almost scratch. It’s a Ferris Sweep. I use a custom firmware for it that let’s me program it however I want. I write code and can play games on a keyboard with only 34 keys. Not only that but my “programming layer” is a custom project that I developed over a span of maybe 4 months through trial and error. My keymap uses Colemak-DH, and the board uses a column stagger format that I objectively feel like is the more correct format that humans should type on. I took a 3 month time period to relearn to type all over again so I could use a column staggered Colemak keyboard. It’s been one of the best thinkgs I think I’ve done to improve myself too. I could never touch type and now I can’t type by looking at my hands. It wouldn’t even matter because I use blank keycaps lol.
I don’t fully understand half the terms you just used, but that sounds cool
It’s honestly ok lol. If you can avoid it, don’t get into the mechanical keyboard hobby. Find a board you like and then just leave. Don’t even look back. You will actually turn into a pillar of salt.
I quit drinking a year ago after a, thankfully, failed suicide attempt left me in the hospital. Things are better now, somewhat, some days are better than others. I tried the 12 step thing and it didn’t really work for me but I met some cool people who really vibed with it. I will say I found the NA meetings to be a lot better than the AA ones. Just less preachy and a younger crowd.
I just wanted to throw that in there and say hang on, buddy. You’re never as alone or as despicable as you think you are people don’t always express themselves as much as you may need but they care about you more than you think they do and you do deserve it.
As for a question, do you play video games? I’ve been playing Persona 5 lately and I’m really enjoying it
So oversharing but you started it lol. I tried to kill myself back in maybe 2010 with sleeping pills. I’m too much of a wimp to cut or use a gun. I came close again a few years ago because I was going through a mental shift with where my life is and couldn’t handle it. I started working on my letter. It was gonna be in three parts. I almost started writing part 2 this morning and was gonna post it on Lemmy but went with this AMA instead in hopes that it would be therapeutic. Which turned out to be the case.
I haven’t done AA or anything but I have a friend on a horror movie discord that we shared a few nights together just getting fucking wasted and talking about life. I didn’t realize she was as bad about it as she was until she said she was going to meetings to try and fix it. She fell off once but def no judging. She’s back on and shares he coins/tokens when she gets a new one. I should check in on her. Last we talked she said she had to learn Java for a school project and she’s coming from Assembly 💀
I do go to therapy now but for mental health. I recently got fired from my very well paying job because I suck at programming. I have taken a ton of self eval test online and they all pointed at me being on the spectrum. Those and reading /r/askreddit threads pretty much proved I was probably on it. I told my therapist that I wanted to know. I had asked my doctor a few years back if I could get a diagosis and he said I was “too old” which is the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard. In the end, I have severe depression, mild anxiety, ASD, and probably a sprinkling of ADHD. I don’t know what I expected from an ASD diag but I told my therapist maybe closure or peace, but now I feel more lost than ever and that if I would have had a diagnosis as a kid, maybe my life would have been different? I donno… I had to learn to be fucking empathetic. Like all my life, I was like “sure sometimes people die” and didn’t understand why people were sad about it outside of the fact that maybe that person won’t be a static thing in your life anymore? My wife is extremely empathetic and I didn’t really consider that was an issue with me until we started dating.
That ramble was maybe me leading to a recent thought that I think my drinking is tied to my ASD as a coping mechanism.
My drinking is mostly under control right now but yeah if it gets 2 bottles ow whiskey a week bad again, I might look into getting proper help. I said in another comment that if weed was legal here I probably wouldn’t drink but then I’d just be a pothead, right?
Anyway…
I grew up with video games. Our first system was an NES. We also had a Genesis, SNES, N64, PS1, PS2 and even an Atari 2600 and one point or another. I really latched on to old school JRPGs in the SNES. Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger, and then Suikoden and Xenogears. Played my share of Residet Evil and Armored Core too. I have 3 handheld emulators with something like 2000 game roms on each. If you like retro gaming, it’s pretty fucking sweet. Check Out Anbernic or Miyoo for something affordable.
I promised a friend that I would give Persona a try since Switch got a few of the games ported but haven’t gotten around to it.
Right now my fav genres are metroidvania, first person puzzle platformers(think Portal), and factory games. If Dyson Sphere Program or Silksong doesn’t get a release because of what Unity pulled I am gonna personally burn the CEO’s house down.
Oh, also Antimatter Dimensions and other incremental games in that style just make my brain go burrrrrrr.
Share as much as your comfortable with if you want to. It doesn’t bother me and no one here would make fun of you over it. I like pretty much all the games you listed. Did you know the creator of Suikoden has a new game coming out next year?
It helps me to find things to look forward to sometimes. Whatever’s happening right now I’d hate to miss complaining about how much that disappointed me and boring people with in depth comparisons to previous games and why Suikoden 2 was the peak of the series. It sounds like your doing what you need to do and have caring people around you. I’d try not to go down the road of thinking about how your life could have been, it doesn’t lead anywhere. Maybe things would have been better, maybe you would have been so productive that Elon Musk stole and misused your ideas to turn himself into AM and torture you for eternity. There’s no way to know.
I have a bad tendency to lay awake and think of all the things I’ve done wrong and its a long list, I was the worst kind of addict for a long time and I hurt a lot of people, so now I try to make myself think of something I did right when I catch myself doing it, it helps sometimes. Maybe try that.
Be careful with the booze, my man. Its so easy to think everythings okay until one day its suddenly not. If you’ve got it under control why not try stopping for a few days? It doesn’t matter if you can’t keep with it, its worth a try, maybe the next time you can go longer. What positive benefit are you really getting from it?
Please, please don’t think I’m trying to lecture or judge you. I would never do that. You’ve just said a lot of things that really resonated with me and I thought I’d share some of the things I tell myself. Sorry for the rambling post.
Tldr: I love you
Did you know the creator of Suikoden has a new game coming out next year?
I sure did but didn’t know it has a Steam page until now. Wishlisted! I wanna do another playthrough of the first 2 games at some point.
I am actually doing little checks with my mental state for times when like my wife takes the kids somewhere and tagging along, which isn’t something I normally do since I’m super introverted but I really don’t want to be alone with my thoughts that much right now. It’s been pretty dark lately. I might start trying to think of things to look forward to and what I’ve done right. My therapist gave me a Locus of Control homework paper that is all about what I can and can’t control and how I can phrase things more positively. I can roll your suggestions into that maybe?
Be careful with the booze, my man.
One of the last times I got real drunk, I poured the rest of the bottle out the next morning. It was a horrible hangover and really for nothing. I just wanted to get smashed. I have a case of Founder’s Centennial IPA and once that’s gone I’m gonna probably focus on not coming up with excuses to drink. I donno. I think realistically reserving it to having a beer or 2 at the brewery with friends is a good goal?
Please, please don’t think I’m trying to lecture or judge you. I would never do that. You’ve just said a lot of things that really resonated with me and I thought I’d share some of the things I tell myself. Sorry for the rambling post.
You are perfectly fine, homie. I tend to do a wall of text style comments on Reddit and that carried over to Lemmy so I am not in any position to say anything lol. I appreciate you taking the time with me.
I think I am gonna overshare more on here and Lemmygrad going forward. I have a lot of shit on my mind and no one to really talk to. My wife’s eyes glaze over whenever I bring up keyboards or theory… I don’t think I blame her though.
if it gets 2 bottles of whiskey a week bad again, I might look into getting proper help
I’m someone who’s been codependent with several alcoholics and is still best friends with one of them who’s been sober for 5 years. I gotta say that this cultural consensus has always struck me as odd, the idea that you’re supposed to seek help when you’re at your worst. Seeking help is supposed to a proactive thing. It’s kinda like telling someone who’s in anaphylaxis and having trouble breathing to go wait in line and pick up their epipen prescription. I understand that a lot of rehab centers will turn you down if you’re not active, so it’s no individual’s fault, but still. Both times I’ve helped someone get into rehab it was directly after a failed suicide attempt and there was just this surreal sense of… time to take a break from processing that to fill out paperwork instead.
I said in another comment that if weed was legal here I probably wouldn’t drink but then I’d just be a pothead, right?
Everyone’s triggers are different. I know people who will basically fall into addictive patterns any time something’s even vaguely pleasant. Meanwhile, my friend I mentioned above takes a weed gummy to sleep most nights, but if everything goes right, won’t touch booze or coke ever again despite still thinking about it all the time. He knows which things he can’t stop once he starts, so he doesn’t start them anymore.
I appreciate your reply. I come from a family of alcoholics and I think I’m partly just being stubborn. I’m not really sure how to even go about it. I sort of figured I would try and tackle the ASD, mental health and employment things first and then evaluate. Idk…
I grew up listing to Manson, Coal Chamber, Fear Factory, Slipknot, SoaD, and basically a lot of nu-metal before getting into death metal and hardcore. But that was mostly aimlessly going to shows and music stores in my teens with my metal head friends.
Over the years I eventually settled on Deathcore after if finally came into it’s own. Listened to a lot of Carnifex and Despised Icon back in the day but now the scene is going through a golden age because of bands like Infant Anihilator, Lorna Shore, Worm Shepard, Signs of the Swarm, etc, straight up pushing the boundaries of heavy music. I’m a total slut for an earth ruining breakdown too. Downtempo Deathcore really gets this but then occasionally a band like Larcenia Roe shows up with with their song Nose Tork and that ending just destroys.
I’m also really into Utempo Hardcor/Gabber/Rawstyle and can throw on mixes and just focus for hours. It’s good stuff. There is a curator on Soundcloud named break2thecore that is always posting mixes and I mostly live vicariously through them. If you check them out just a CW: they have a select list of artists that use barely clothes tattooed girls for their mix covers. I can’t complain because tattoos and piercings are hot.
I occasionally move into some dubstep, horror synth, trapcore/“screamo-rap”/whatever it’s called. And recently hyperpop and hyperpop adjacent stuff.
Recent artists I’ve been listening too are Siiickbrain, Banshee, Cassyette, Scene Queen, Ashnikko, Kim Dracula, Hot Mulligan, La Dispute,
My canned response for favorite band is La Dispute. But I do really like them.
I got a discord friend that is super into folk stuff and “atmospheric/ambient black metal” stuff. I’ve given the latter a listen but it wasn’t clicking so much outside of just being background music. I’ve always let myself move with the music and if it wasn’t moving I couldn’t really focus as much, I guess. Upbeat and a ton of change-ups really keep my attention. I dig rap where they can really flow but outside of pop rap from the last 20 or so years I don’t know much.
You Make Me Sick kept coming up in my mixes and every time I was like I should give her a listen. Spotify’s alg let me know her album dropped a few weeks ago so I gave it a full listen through. It’s good!
I’m an open book
Page 33, Paragraph 2, Second Sentence, Fifth Word… what would I see?
What music do you listen to? Why?
Deathcore when I wanna jam out. Gabber/Uptempo/Rawstyle when I wanna focus.
For why, I like chaotic music and stuff like Uptempo Hardcore makes my brain happy because it has so many distorted kick changes and it’s aggressive and all over the place. Dirty crunchy screechy piep kicks are sick lol.
