Wendy_Pleakley [he/him, they/them]
Pontifications in the Parking Lot
I get how dating works, but like, it’s always something I’ve had other people to encourage me to do. I’m actually kinda confused by people who don’t need any sort of encouragement to do stuff.
Then you haven’t dated in a long time and people ask you about it and it’s like, I’m not in talks with anyone about the concept of romance or what it means to be in a relationship. If I were having conversations about this stuff, it’d be more front of mind. I’d be trying if I knew what and where and when.
I feel this with a lot of stuff. Like, yeah, I think about doing a lot of stuff, but I can’t just activate myself like a robot and do everything. Then people ask you why you didn’t do it already, and it’s like, you could probably help if you need this done sooner???
Today is my birthday!
Instead of seeing what today does to me, I’m kinda deciding that it’s a good day because it’s my birthday and going forward
I have classes all day and idk if anyone knows that it’s my birthday but whatever
I feel silly. I don’t remember most of what I wrote.
I feel such a frayed connection to my pre-COVID friends. I thought they understood me, and am still so mad that they took my compassion and ran. And I’d still be so excited to talk to them. I still wait for them.
But I don’t know how to start something new. I’ve always fallen into a group that lasts exactly as long as our time in school together. Everyone, by my estimation, just talks like they already know each other. But I don’t know them, so why would I do that?
rejection
There’s a hell of a lot that feels like rejection. Being spoken over makes me feel rejected. I feel rejected if the person only half hears me. I feel rejected if I mention something and we talk about it briefly then the subject changes. There are situations where socially things are “fine” but I feel like I’m being completely shut down by minute social cues that demonstrate a lack of interest
I’m like a dormouse or something. If I even think I might get in somebody’s way by speaking or doing what I’m about to do I will freeze. Being interrupted literally gets me so heated, it’s like, “You wanna talk over me? That’s gonna be really easy because I’m never speaking again”. I shut up and it bothers me for the rest of the day.
On the flip side, I want permission. I’ve spooked people by dumping info that I thought they were ready to hear. So the idea of dropping some big pieces of info and upsetting somebody accidentally stresses me out. I want to know that it’s safe to say what I want to say.
I’d speak with confidence if I knew I didn’t have to worry about having nobody. When opening up is the reason that people leave, but they never have the nerve to tell you, that is where I lose trust, because actions don’t match words. Is opening up a bad thing to do if it pushes people away?
“I’m sorry ma’am, all the chosen friend groups have been formed”
Does someone eventually care? Or does it end with comments in megathreads
deleting my comments because other people who are more well-spoken get more sympathy and it sets OFF my shame spiral
real “barrier to entry” vibes trying to have someone stay and listen
Submitted an application for an apartment, and boy if I didn’t realize that I made a few typos as soon as I hit send 😂