If I come across a recipe that has cup measures there’s no chance I’m using it

Confirmation bias?

Actually, no

I—what?

Someone create a NotTheOnion community!

Either I do this, or jump straight into the middle of a story with zero context

Or, you know… treat your workers better?

I can’t in good conscience bring a child into this world

That’s gonna drop. Right?

Adorable! I’d love a domesticated one. I’d imagine they give great cuddles

Do you have a carbon monoxide detector?