thefartographer

“Smithens, the corpse is growing near me again. Use the pool-skimmer to push it into the deep end”

You sound like my doctor. Quit ruining my food and gimme my blood-pressure medication!

A lot of human survival is based on heuristics, if you can tell there’s a corpse in something, you probably shouldn’t drink or eat it… As a general rule of thumb

And this is why it’s dangerous to drink ocean-water.

Also why you should drink lots of that delicious peepee pool-water

ETA: If you’re having dinner with someone who dies in the middle of eating their food, you can safely finish their food, drink, and poisoned soup as long as they didn’t die face-down in it.

This PSA brought to you by the Society of Selective Listeners

They’re joking. You should actually always eat while shitting and shit while eating. No exceptions.

How the fuck did my Fedora just bluescreen?? Crowdstrike!

*audience laughter, freeze-frame*

You can already smell the indignation Fox News is cooking up

To heal your soul, you heeled his sole

Wait, you mean that the union-busting, back-stabbing, “I got mine,” racist piece of shit supports Trump???

Well, now I’m offended!

Would you look at that—I’m only $5,000 away from being upsidedown on my house! That lasted almost 13 whole months!