I’ve been on HRT for 3 years, and I really have lost all hope that I will ever look like a girl or be gendered correctly or even just be treated with dignity. I’m really ugly and honestly I can tell, people lie and say well it’s your personality that matters. It’s really not that hard to see, and I am wondering if there is a point to spending 120 dollars a month, just for peace of mind.
I have social dysphoria and not body dysphoria. I’m not on HRT so I don’t have any experience with that aspect of transitioning. Here is the closest thing I’ve got. I pay $80 a month to play D&D at my local game store. I play a female character and I enjoy it when people get my characters pronouns correct, use her name, and are socializing with me in a way where they see me as a woman. This gives me piece of mind and I think it’s worth the cost I’m paying. That’s not a perfect comparison, but considering the difference in having piece of mind is to me I think you’re not overpaying.
As far as body image issues, I’m not too fussed about my appearance. As far as I’m concerned I’m beautiful. On the other hand, I constantly fret about whether I’m smart enough or if I will accomplish anything in my life. And I have an ego problem. I think this might be similar concerns that we both have, but we’re focused on different aspects of ourselves. I still would love to have boobs and it would be super cool if people clocked me as woman. I think the knowledge that people would see me as a woman is more satisfying to me than what I would actually look like. It would be an improvement, but I’m already rocking this man meat sack bod of mine. But I consistently worry about not measuring up to people in terms of intellect and accomplishments. I feel inadequate when I see people out performing me or when I see evidence that someone is smarter than me. It gets in the way of being friends with people and forming relationships.
I focus on believing in myself and make it clear to myself I’m good enough for me. But it’s an anxiety. I kind of learn to ignore it and focus on trying to do what I want. I remind myself it is ok if other people accomplish more than me or are smarter than me. And that modern concepts of intelligence are bogus anyway. It’s an ongoing process for me. My point is these anxieties about ourselves are something we have to manage and that our self-love has to be unconditional.
As far as other people treating us with dignity, I think people are going to be trying to crack that one long after we’re dead. We can’t wait for other people to treat us properly to be happy. I’ve found the more I divorce my opinion of myself from other peoples’ opinions the happier I’ve been. Also, recently it has helped to realize that even when someone isn’t treating me right, everyone is coming from a place of being a human person first and foremost.
I hope some of that was relevant and helpful. Let me know either way.
