Hi, girls! I have been wanting to make a post for a few days, and just need to get some things off my chest. I think I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum, and it’s kinda hard getting my thoughts into a coherent order, but I’m gonna try.
Three days ago, I officially started my journey. I thought I was gonna start with crossdressing and go from there, but I’m fooling myself. I came out to my wife and children, which was both easy and hard.
Easy, because two of my children are NB and transgender.
Hard, because first, being yourself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and second, my wife has always described herself as straight.
She has been extremely supportive. She’s letting me wear some of her leggings that don’t fit her any more, but fit me comfortably, and in ways I’d almost like. (It hugs my butt really well, but I don’t have hips)
She’s given me tips for shaving my legs, and has offered to help me learn how to do makeup and my nails, but she is struggling.
And it’s a lot, for both of us. I love shaving my legs. I hate shaving my chest and face. And I think I realized, as I shaved my chest for the first time, I hate shaving my face, and now my chest, cuz it’s in my way from looking as girly as I want. I hate shaving my face and chest because I have to to present as feminine, but I like shaving my legs because I get to and it makes me feel feminine. Gotta say tho, I (mostly) love the results from shaving my chest and belly. It feels really good(except for the stubble on my chest/breasts)
I’ve doven headlong into my transgender journey. Shaving my legs, butt, and chest. Wearing women’s clothes at least in the yard of our apartment, kinda in public. I do throw jeans over my leggings when I go to the store and the like, cuz I’m still not completely socially out yet, but we are moving soon, and I feel like, maybe, in a new place, I can girlmode all the time? I don’t have to worry about my conservative parents or siblings causing me hell because Jerry saw me at Walmart, and it getting back to mom when she goes to church.
I’ve also been looking for packing underwear and breast plates or breast forms, but I like doing my shopping in person. It’s different seeing a picture on the screen and looking at it in person, even if it is through packaging.
I am worried though. My brain is screaming it wants female hormones. I hate all this body hair. I want full breasts of my own, not ones I have to wear. But I’ve read my sexuality my change. I don’t want that. I love her very, very much. And, please don’t hate on her, but the one thing she doesn’t want me to get rid of is my penis, which is fine by me. I like sex. I like sex with her. But if I start hormones, there is a very real possibility that the sexual dynamic will change. I’ve read penetrative sex could be uncomfortable, as your sensitivity and the thickness of your skin changes. But! Getting rid of random erections sounds so great! But! If you don’t “exercise” your organ, it could atrophy, possibly becoming nigh useless.
All this is a lot. I’m scared. I’m excited. My wife says that this is the happiest she has ever seen me. Ever. In our nearly twenty years of relationship, nearly 18 years of marriage.
Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED Talk. -VA
TL;DR: I’m transing my gender, and I’m scared and excited
Sexuality can change, but I don’t think it’s as simple as “HRT changed my sexuality”
Personally, I think they can be part of the experience, but there is nothing to suggest that they’re capable of initiating dramatic changes. Most people who experience sexuality change with transition experience a broadening of their sexuality, not a reduction or a flip.
Yet flips and big changes can happen. I experienced one myself, but even they doesn’t stop you loving people that you already love. It won’t stop you from being able to share intimacy with your life partner. It may change what intimacy looks like, but that’s going to happen with transition anyway. Whatever else happens though, you won’t find yourself looking at the woman you love and want to spend your life with and suddenly thinking “Nope, nothing there now”
Other than that, congrats on giving yourself permission to find and accept yourself.
My main advice would be don’t sweat the what ifs and maybes. Nothing about transition is instantaneous. It’s a lesson in patience, and whilst that can be challenging, the upside is that it also means you have the time to make sure you’re doing things in a way that works for you. You will have the time to find your own way :)
