I have no friends or partner, I’ve been very lonely.
When I go out to try to meet people, no one ever comes up to me and starts talking to me. But if I want to meet someone I have to do exactly that. But like, why should I have to be the one to initiate 100% of the time? Shouldn’t it be 50/50? (And I’m not really talking about societal expectations of the man initiating with the woman, I’d rather have a boyfriend anyway.)
I have such a hard time initiating conversations with people, to the point where I mostly just stress out and sit there alone. If someone initiated with me things might go better. But they just don’t.
The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that literally no one has any interest in me.
All of that sounds good in theory, but it also sounds like an excerpt from a list of things autistic people can’t do or find extremely difficult. Just keeping a smile on my face takes effort and feels so forced that there’s no way people can’t tell it is.
Actually, I’m wearing a mask anyway because I don’t want to catch covid. I’m guessing most people see me wearing a mask (and like an N95 not a shitty cloth mask) and are turned away by the “weirdness” of it because “covid is over”. Even though the chance of me catching covid without a mask is probably greater than the chance of me talking to anyone, with or without a mask. Or it probably just comes off as uninviting in general, it’s literally a protective barrier.
I won’t even go over why the small talk and signals and shit are hard, because I’ve never gotten there anyway.
Also, bars being about the only good place makes things harder because I don’t drink, so I’d be going there and just sitting at a table doing nothing and probably end up just looking at my phone which definitely would signal people not to engage.
On the autism thing… what are your interests? I’m in largely the same boat, but I’ve made a few friends through a local club for fish keepers. While I doubt that is of much interest to you, the most pleasant part about it is that I never have to make small talk or worry about masking. Hobbyist communities were tailor-made for autistic people and they usually have some sort of structured social activities to participate in. Mine even does a monthly Zoom social hour for the immunocompromised and agoraphobes like me.
Bars and clubs have never been my preferred social space for the reasons you’ve listed, but those venues are honestly designed for neurotypicals to meet other neurotypicals. If you enjoy them then by all means keep at it, but I’d also suggest finding some more ND-friendly spaces so that you aren’t exclusively comparing yourself to the more socially fluent NTs in your life. Some examples I’ve found beyond hobbies:
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Some nearby kombucha bars are a lot quieter than traditional bars and often will even hold designated sensory-friendly events. Usually the sort of people who go to a kombucha bar instead of a traditional bar are also looking to meet people. A colleague who is also autistic introduced me to the concept.
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Animal shelters that need volunteers are nice because you get to know people while working alongside them in a low pressure environment, and anyone who volunteers at an animal shelter will likely be at least somewhat empathetic. Of course, some of the volunteers are simply there because they prefer the company of animals over people.
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If there’s a college nearby, I’ve enjoyed attending some community theater productions and usually people are willing to talk about the show when it’s done. I’ve never met any friend this way, but it’s alright when you’re craving some conversation beyond job-related small talk.
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The kombucha colleague also goes to a drum circle… I think I’d be way too self-conscious to do anything like that, but it has become pretty integral to his social life. He is not an accomplished social masker so I think it must be a pretty welcoming environment?
Once I stopped trying to socialize the way neurotypicals socialize, my social life became much more enjoyable. It’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but there’s also plenty of good to find within your comfort zone. I aim for the sweet spot where the two start to overlap.
Sure, but I’m just giving a rough description of a typical way that a casual conversation or connection would be struck by two strangers following allistic conventions to give OP an opportunity to consider where they may be giving the wrong signals to allistic people which makes them feel “unapproachable” for conversation/friendship with strangers so they can reflect upon what might be within their capacity to change, if they so choose to mask in order to connect with people.
I won’t even go over why the small talk and signals and shit are hard, because I’ve never gotten there anyway.
Fair enough and I understand anyway. In my experience it doesn’t ever get any easier but you can get better at it, although it’s taxing to do.
Also, bars being about the only good place makes things harder because I don’t drink, so I’d be going there and just sitting at a table doing nothing and probably end up just looking at my phone which definitely would signal people not to engage.
So, like I mentioned, there are the options like cafes or casual dining places particularly during lunch. And there’s no rule against going to a bar and drinking something non-alcoholic.
If you are looking at your phone then you can apply the strategies detailed above sporadically to see if anyone is willing to make a connection with you. Or you might consider something else like playing pool or reading a book.
I feel like you’re taking my general advice, which was a response for OP to use for their own reflection, and you’re taking it personally. If you struggle with things like small talk and facial expressions to the point that it’s prohibitively difficult for you then it might be better for you to seek out autistic spaces or groups in your community because then there will be far less expectations for masking when you are attempting to connect with others.
I am OP btw, that reply was my reflection of your general advice. I’ll definitely try to be more aware of my perceived approachability, but it will be difficult to put on an approachable vibe. I’m not particularly good at masking even if I wanted to, I’ve spent most of my life (especially high school, before I knew I’m autistic) just staying withdrawn from other people to avoid the trouble of social interaction entirely. That was a huge mistake in retrospect, probably the worst mistake of my life, but I had no way to know that.
If you struggle with things like small talk and facial expressions to the point that it’s prohibitively difficult for you then it might be better for you to seek out autistic spaces or groups in your community
I’ve sought out specific spaces, but I just haven’t found anything.
I am OP btw
Shit, do I feel like a doofus 😬
I’ve spent most of my life (especially high school, before I knew I’m autistic) just staying withdrawn from other people to avoid the trouble of social interaction entirely. That was a huge mistake in retrospect, probably the worst mistake of my life, but I had no way to know that.
I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Socialising when you’re autistic is hard especially if you are doing it without the right support or the right environment. Withdrawing is a very understandable response to situations which are overwhelming or which feel like they’re impossible.
As someone who is high masking, late diagnosed, and who put huge amounts of effort to try and understand socialising with allistic people to fit in, it’s a nice skill to be able to draw upon but I can’t say that I’m convinced that it was worth the toll that it took on my mental health nor the social situations that it got me into. But I’ll spare you the pity party. Suffice it to say that it’s easy to look at high maskers and to want that for yourself but what you don’t really get to see is all of the negative consequences that comes from being high masking and what it takes to get to that point.
I’ve sought out specific spaces, but I just haven’t found anything.
Keep on looking and consider the “nerdier” hobbies because they tend to attract neurodivergent people. You might want to think about taking up something like D&D or a hobby that you’re interested in that attracts diehard enthusiasts because you’ll often find autistic people hiding out in those kinds of spaces and having shared interests or opportunities to share experiences can take a lot of the effort out of establishing connection with people.
Since you’re still masking, have you considered intentionally connecting with others who are? There’s a disproportionate number of neurodivergent people in covid-conscious spaces because, broadly, we’re less likely to make decisions based on social pressure and what everyone else is doing. You might be able to find people to meet up with in person as well as local covid-conscious events on covidmeetups.com and also through Facebook groups with the prefix “Still Coviding”
