I have no friends or partner, I’ve been very lonely.
When I go out to try to meet people, no one ever comes up to me and starts talking to me. But if I want to meet someone I have to do exactly that. But like, why should I have to be the one to initiate 100% of the time? Shouldn’t it be 50/50? (And I’m not really talking about societal expectations of the man initiating with the woman, I’d rather have a boyfriend anyway.)
I have such a hard time initiating conversations with people, to the point where I mostly just stress out and sit there alone. If someone initiated with me things might go better. But they just don’t.
The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that literally no one has any interest in me.
Sure, but I’m just giving a rough description of a typical way that a casual conversation or connection would be struck by two strangers following allistic conventions to give OP an opportunity to consider where they may be giving the wrong signals to allistic people which makes them feel “unapproachable” for conversation/friendship with strangers so they can reflect upon what might be within their capacity to change, if they so choose to mask in order to connect with people.
I won’t even go over why the small talk and signals and shit are hard, because I’ve never gotten there anyway.
Fair enough and I understand anyway. In my experience it doesn’t ever get any easier but you can get better at it, although it’s taxing to do.
Also, bars being about the only good place makes things harder because I don’t drink, so I’d be going there and just sitting at a table doing nothing and probably end up just looking at my phone which definitely would signal people not to engage.
So, like I mentioned, there are the options like cafes or casual dining places particularly during lunch. And there’s no rule against going to a bar and drinking something non-alcoholic.
If you are looking at your phone then you can apply the strategies detailed above sporadically to see if anyone is willing to make a connection with you. Or you might consider something else like playing pool or reading a book.
I feel like you’re taking my general advice, which was a response for OP to use for their own reflection, and you’re taking it personally. If you struggle with things like small talk and facial expressions to the point that it’s prohibitively difficult for you then it might be better for you to seek out autistic spaces or groups in your community because then there will be far less expectations for masking when you are attempting to connect with others.
I am OP btw, that reply was my reflection of your general advice. I’ll definitely try to be more aware of my perceived approachability, but it will be difficult to put on an approachable vibe. I’m not particularly good at masking even if I wanted to, I’ve spent most of my life (especially high school, before I knew I’m autistic) just staying withdrawn from other people to avoid the trouble of social interaction entirely. That was a huge mistake in retrospect, probably the worst mistake of my life, but I had no way to know that.
If you struggle with things like small talk and facial expressions to the point that it’s prohibitively difficult for you then it might be better for you to seek out autistic spaces or groups in your community
I’ve sought out specific spaces, but I just haven’t found anything.
I am OP btw
Shit, do I feel like a doofus 😬
I’ve spent most of my life (especially high school, before I knew I’m autistic) just staying withdrawn from other people to avoid the trouble of social interaction entirely. That was a huge mistake in retrospect, probably the worst mistake of my life, but I had no way to know that.
I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Socialising when you’re autistic is hard especially if you are doing it without the right support or the right environment. Withdrawing is a very understandable response to situations which are overwhelming or which feel like they’re impossible.
As someone who is high masking, late diagnosed, and who put huge amounts of effort to try and understand socialising with allistic people to fit in, it’s a nice skill to be able to draw upon but I can’t say that I’m convinced that it was worth the toll that it took on my mental health nor the social situations that it got me into. But I’ll spare you the pity party. Suffice it to say that it’s easy to look at high maskers and to want that for yourself but what you don’t really get to see is all of the negative consequences that comes from being high masking and what it takes to get to that point.
I’ve sought out specific spaces, but I just haven’t found anything.
Keep on looking and consider the “nerdier” hobbies because they tend to attract neurodivergent people. You might want to think about taking up something like D&D or a hobby that you’re interested in that attracts diehard enthusiasts because you’ll often find autistic people hiding out in those kinds of spaces and having shared interests or opportunities to share experiences can take a lot of the effort out of establishing connection with people.
