I have no friends or partner, I’ve been very lonely.
When I go out to try to meet people, no one ever comes up to me and starts talking to me. But if I want to meet someone I have to do exactly that. But like, why should I have to be the one to initiate 100% of the time? Shouldn’t it be 50/50? (And I’m not really talking about societal expectations of the man initiating with the woman, I’d rather have a boyfriend anyway.)
I have such a hard time initiating conversations with people, to the point where I mostly just stress out and sit there alone. If someone initiated with me things might go better. But they just don’t.
The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that literally no one has any interest in me.
On the autism thing… what are your interests? I’m in largely the same boat, but I’ve made a few friends through a local club for fish keepers. While I doubt that is of much interest to you, the most pleasant part about it is that I never have to make small talk or worry about masking. Hobbyist communities were tailor-made for autistic people and they usually have some sort of structured social activities to participate in. Mine even does a monthly Zoom social hour for the immunocompromised and agoraphobes like me.
Bars and clubs have never been my preferred social space for the reasons you’ve listed, but those venues are honestly designed for neurotypicals to meet other neurotypicals. If you enjoy them then by all means keep at it, but I’d also suggest finding some more ND-friendly spaces so that you aren’t exclusively comparing yourself to the more socially fluent NTs in your life. Some examples I’ve found beyond hobbies:
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Some nearby kombucha bars are a lot quieter than traditional bars and often will even hold designated sensory-friendly events. Usually the sort of people who go to a kombucha bar instead of a traditional bar are also looking to meet people. A colleague who is also autistic introduced me to the concept.
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Animal shelters that need volunteers are nice because you get to know people while working alongside them in a low pressure environment, and anyone who volunteers at an animal shelter will likely be at least somewhat empathetic. Of course, some of the volunteers are simply there because they prefer the company of animals over people.
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If there’s a college nearby, I’ve enjoyed attending some community theater productions and usually people are willing to talk about the show when it’s done. I’ve never met any friend this way, but it’s alright when you’re craving some conversation beyond job-related small talk.
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The kombucha colleague also goes to a drum circle… I think I’d be way too self-conscious to do anything like that, but it has become pretty integral to his social life. He is not an accomplished social masker so I think it must be a pretty welcoming environment?
Once I stopped trying to socialize the way neurotypicals socialize, my social life became much more enjoyable. It’s good to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but there’s also plenty of good to find within your comfort zone. I aim for the sweet spot where the two start to overlap.
