This. Reading this thread makes me sad and wonder where I went wrong in life.
Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen IT as a career. Or maybe my parents shouldn’t have sent me to an all-boys school, which made me shy and awkward around girls even in my later years. Maybe I should’ve fooled around in my college and uni days, instead of concentrating on my studies. What did all my efforts get me? What was I even working so hard for? Forget being in a relationship, I haven’t even kissed a girl yet. Sigh.
Hey, don’t be hard on yourself like that. Sometimes things happen or don’t happen, and we don’t have a clue why. Time can pass so quickly and we can lose ourselves so easily.
But that doesn’t diminish you in any way. I know what I’m talking about. I lost the best years of my life, and no one will ever understand or have some sympathy for it. People are too quickly to judge or to give weird “advices” that feel much more like a kick than anything else. Our lives are so complex and can’t be reduced to simple encouragement words.
I’d advise you to explore yourself a bit more. Perhaps you’re restraining yourself somehow, perhaps you had a too restrictive environment, perhaps you have some undiagnosed condition (that was my case), perhaps something else. Sometimes we try to live life forcing ourselves to be what others expect of us, and we will fail so miserably, but we can live as who we are, and things start to improve progressively.
I hope I didn’t confuse you even more.
Relationships take effort and luck. You have to work on yourself to be prepared, put a lot out of effort into social things to meet people and develop relationships, and then most don’t work out and you’re sad for a bit.
The luck part is a huge part of the equation. Two people are perfect on paper but the “spark” doesn’t happen. Maybe they could have a great relationship but the starting conditions weren’t right to form a relationship. Having a close relative die, or having a mental health issue really early in a relationship can force a wedge that can’t be overcome yet. A normal wedge that all relationships deal with regularly once they’re established, but can’t deal with in the first few weeks.
The only advice that worked for me (I was raised with very few other kids my age) when I started dating in college was that the skills to make a romantic relationship were just people skills. That I should intentionally strike up conversations with anyone I don’t know. Most people have something to occupy their time. I try to find that out in the first conversation I have with someone. You can see when someone’s expression changes when the ice breaks and they shift into excitedly talking about a new personal best in a 10k run, or getting a major part in King Lear, or published their first full comic book or novella.
I had to hone my ability to talk about my hobbies. At the time I was finding gargantuan prime numbers. I had to work on how to describe it to people to make it slightly approachable.
I also figured out that a huge part of wanting to be in a relationship was family pressure. I had to be at a place where I wanted it, and not because aunts and uncles poked fun at any young single people in the family.
Hey man I know it doesn’t help in this moment but I’m in IT and everyone on my team is married except for our youngest guy who is engaged. It’s possible, but it’s hard - you have to put yourself out there and take some risks. Dating apps can be wild but they can also work, just keep trying and see what happens!
What are you doing to try to improve your situation? What have you tried before?
Nothing at present. I’ve tired a few dating apps, but it went nowhere so I’ve given up.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about how people use and fail at dating apps. I joke I should write a book about how to do better (and not in a gross pick up artist way)
So I’m mildly curious about your experiences, but you don’t owe me a biography. Hope you find happiness!
