The U.S. has such shitty work conditions that I’m only about 90% sure this is a joke, and that’s worrying.
Thank you for signing up for CVS Extra Care Text Message Super Alerts® for a fee of $15.99/month. We will send you text message alerts every thirty six seconds to alert you when you are not in a CVS, in the drive thru a line at a CVS, in the bathroom of a CVS, in a locally owned competitor, in a nationally owned competitor, or when you have just left a CVS. Your $15.99/month subscription entitles you to 11% discounts on open food items, cosmetics opened by other customers, toys that don’t work, candy currently under a mandatory manufacturer’s recall, medication that has been returned and probably tampered with, and black and white wallet sized prints; but only on Tuesdays between the hours of 2:30pm & 2:36pm. Additionally, your subscription entitles you to a 13% wage garnishment to pay for the pot hole in the parking lot that damaged your power steering line after hitting it while attempting to avoid a shopping cart shoved in front of your vehicle by Dale; who will also block your vehicle as he unloads the truck carrying the medication needed to fulfill the prescription that you came to pick up because we informed you it was filled by way of 6 emails, 11 phone calls & 8 text messages that you did not ask for. Also you have to pay every employee who manages to wear pants a $3 gratuity. Oh… and we’re out of that stuff you really needed too. Thank you for signing up for CVS Super Extra Double Care Super Text Message Super Alerts®
