This morning I’m mostly grumpy about my ADHD.
Firstly, I didn’t get around to taking my pill until an hour after I got up, because I straight up forgot, despite remembering as I was pouring my coffee.
Then I just realised that I missed a Dr appointment yesterday, because it was made two fucking weeks ago, and despite being in the fucking calendar I can’t be trusted to fucking remember anything.
I’m particularly angry about that, because it was to review (and hopefully increase) my meds…
I’m angry about that because it could have been a sodding phone appointment, but every drs surgery is run by old guys who are massively averse to anything beyond sitting in front of their patients so they can chastise them for being fat.
And I really want to practice the mindfulness I’ve been taught, to consider that this is a spiral, and that ultimately no harm has been done, I’ll just be increasing (hopefully) my dosage a couple of weeks later.
But I’m frustrated that there’s so much stuff I have to remember that I just can’t. Other people manage to juggle all the needs on them, but I feel like I always fail, or at the very least that I can’t be trusted to be consistent.
I spent weeks building a calorie tracker in Numbers to help me lose weight, which worked amazingly well. For a month.
Then I forgot to put a few meals in, got annoyed with myself, got the self loathing, decided that the tracker was now damning evidence of how flaky I am, and abandoned it.
I’ll look into Notion though.
See, I find stuff like that unbearable. That’s why mine are tools to stay ahead and prepared. Then it comes down to me delivering and puts the personal responsibility on me because I’ve solved for my deficiencies.
I’m the typical ADHD “lazy” and I’m trying to strike out against that.
I absolutely get that sentiment. That’s what killed it for me the first time even though I was doing so well. Around thanksgiving a couple years ago, I decided to top tracking because “oh it’s the holiday, I might as well enjoy it”, and then Covid hit and I really said fuck it.
I got back into it last year after I finally decided to get myself medicated. It started off rough, and I definitely missed some days, or skipped some days because “why would I count, I know I’m going to go over anyways?”, but eventually the habit stuck and it’s been almost a year since I’ve started tracking. It’s still tedious at times, but it’s become second nature to log my foods when I’m making a meal. It may be slow going at first, and it may take a few tries for it to stick, but eventually it will
