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I live with my parents (both). I have job.
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I did my share duty: I help pay family electricity/water bill, pay my brothers tution fee.
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Currently, my salary is multiple time my living cost, so I can save more than half of my salary (no pay rent, no marry, no children)
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My mum has a brotehr who is not financial stable. She help him (few time yearly, not one time, but yearly). She is very stress about this situation. => when she ask me and my dad to chip in, we both said nope, then ask her to give up on that money black hole. => really hurt our family relationship, because she refuse to do so.
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That dude (my uncle) have family he has to support. If I chip in with my own salary, his children living standard will increase, they will have better future. It will cost me my spare salary (i will not able save like, 50% of my salary per month)
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But I don’t want to waste money. That money give away is like charity that I can never get back. I don’t want to piggy back few dude on my back for years.
So, how do you think on this case.
Charity should be freely given. If you don’t want to, then don’t. You are not obligated to take care of people you are only tangentially related to.
My mum get angry with me and my dad because we refuse to chip in.
Her idea is, … something about tie by blood … sorry bad English, dunno how to describe.
Something that meaning you are relative, then you have to sacrifice ourself for another.
From her perspective, we are just selfish.
But why, i need my saving for my own future, marry, have some kid, loss job, another covid …
From a “ties of blood” perspective, to give a perspective your mom might understand:
He might be tied by blood, but he is bringing dishonor and being a burden upon the entire family and lineage. He disgracea the rest of the family and all his elders and ancestors with his failure and irresponsible spending. He should be forced to work and spend less, helped by his elders, and shamed if he refuses to do so.
Note: this isn’t something I’d recommend to anyone else, but if it helps.
Why is he not financially stable?
Does he not have a job? Is he blowing his paycheck on gambling? Hookers? Drugs? (Etc?).
Would throwing cash at him even help?
Why is he not financially stable?
Because his family is actively working to enshroud him in a false reality where not earning enough results in financial stability.
He has never had the emotional retraining necessary to connect his plans with the dopamine to fulfill them.
Unfortunately for people ruled by their swollen empathy, that emotional training is painful to undergo.
Basically he hasn’t been allowed to experience failure, so his brain hasn’t fully developed.
This happened to me earlier in my life. Then the person enabling me died, and within six months I was homeless, but within six months after that I was transformed and financially functional and have been ever since. No experience other than the natural consequences could have taught me, and there was someone actively preventing me from feeling them.
Trust your gut. If it makes you feel stronger to think of giving him money go for it. If it makes you feel weaker, don’t do it.
Trust your feelings. The mental justifications are secondary. You’re young so your feelings aren’t developed by experience very much, but you’ve been in the world long enough to have all the information you need to know whether it’s the right move.
And that will be reflected in a feeling, in your body, that indicates to you whether it’s the right move or not.
It’s really important to learn how to make decisions based on this kind of thing. If you aren’t aware of your feelings they’ll still be there, subconsciously, un-felt but exerting force on your thoughts, and your mind will invisibly adjust the weights in your reasoning to match whatever the knot of unconscious feelings is driving you toward.
Unfold the knot by learning to identify and merely experience your feelings without mental verbalizing. Many decisions can be made through the processing of this vector field of feelings.
And being cut off from that can lead you to some really bad decisions. If you don’t know how to read your gut, practice by spending a minute or two here and there just doing nothing but sitting there still and scanning your body to note how it feels.
Yes I did chip in few time before. When I do, I feel like I am obligated to do so. I am submissive. They are god asking for sacrifice.
Then they ask more.
I refuse, my dad already told me to not chip in long ago. But when I actually stop, I feel I had broken the chain that bind me. It like, something you have to do but you don’t want to. A binding, cause by … culture propaganda (?!).
I am drifting from collectivism to individualism.
Now I feel my mom is a victim. She is being leeching sooo long, and still willing to be leeching.
Short answer, no, you’re not married to him.
Even when it would have been your brother, then still no, legally. Morally, maybe, when you know it will help him recover, not stay in trouble longer. (So I can understand your mother, a tad)
I’d try to talk to your parents about it, how can you help your uncle without dumping cash in a bottemless pit, as doing so did prove not to solve the issue. (Else your mother wouldn’t have to bail him out on a yearly base)
When you all see no way out, you could try to at least help his kids, support them with stuff they need, help them develop, eat, repair or replace goods, but no cash. Big chance cash would end up at your uncle anyway.
It’s tough, but you’re only obliged to help your partner when married and your kids when under age, or do the best you can for direct family (parents, brother/sister or your own kids when legally independant), but within reasonable limits.
Help primarily your mother in this situation, she is your father’s (primairy) and your (secondary) responsability, your uncle isn’t.
I’m guessing here but I think you are asking this question in a cultural space that is pretty far removed from your own.
From a super individualistic Western perspective everyone seems to be saying fuck no, cut off the rot, look after yourself.
In many other cultures, the family unit remains extremely strong throughout life and the whole is far greater than the sum of its parts.
I watched some Vietnamese school friends of mine go from fresh off the boat with nothing, to owning half of the businesses in their town as well as MASSIVE generational wealth that will never go away.
They spread like a beautiful, productive fungus across their suburb by working together. First they all lived in one house, some worked, some started businesses. ALL of the money coming in paid off that house quickly, then they had two houses. Repeat the same again. Now they have 3 houses, all paid for. Now some money goes in to private schools for all the kids, university for all the kids. Now the kids are culturally obligated to contribute to the scheme with their high paying jobs as doctors and pharmacists.
The Vietnamese bakery in the small set of local shops has now bought out the butcher and the video store, the video store has become a pharmacy owned by the first two graduated children, then they bought the grocery store and the nail salon. Then they bought more profitable businesses in town: drive-through liquor stores and tobacconists.
We’re already talking millions of dollars per year of income. 3 houses has become 13 houses. Each Vietnamese family unit now has a house of their own and they are all paid for. The rest are rental income to add to the stack. They financially support their local temple, and they pay to bring more and more family members over who rapidly become productive members of the scheme.
At this point, they are unstoppable and it’s all because they were prepared to work together and endure that short term pain of overcrowded shared dwellings and give 100% of their income to the cause. Now they will all live comfortable lives together and have a myriad of passive income streams. The old people are taken care of, those who fall on hard times are taken care of.
I guess what I am saying is, on the surface it seems extremely unfair - but it sounds like you are part of a cultural support system that would absolutely catch you if you fall.
Further still, you are not being charged any rent or living expenses. Being able to save 50% of your income is not normal for 99% of people so you are already feeling the benefit of that safety net.
If you don’t feel like it’s for you and you want to get out of it I say that’s fine, you’re not bound to anyone. But if that is how you feel then you should immediately move out and truly go it alone.
I’d just warn you that many Westerners see the wisdom in the system you seem to have and wish that their own family unit could be so strong and cohesive. We really can accomplish a lot more together than we can as individuals.
This sounds like a complicated situation. I am sorry you have to deal with this.
Is there an alternative where you could help your nieces/nephews with things to improve their situation without giving money to Uncle Moneypit?
Dealing with family money things is not fun.
They are (2 dudes) in high school now.
They will in college/university soon, in next few year.
I am not intent to cover any living cost or tuition fee for those dudes. I have my own brothers, that is tooo enough.
Currently I have no idea how to help without involve a lot of money.
I even don’t think their problem is money.
In my simulation in my head, they will be fine without all my mum salary too.
You are not obligated, no, it is entirely up to you. Of course there will be consequences of not giving money, just as their will be consequences of giving money. You have to weigh one against the other to determine which will have the outcome you want most. Less cost but angry mother, or happy mother but higher cost. Helping uncle’s family but stressing your own finances, vs not helping your uncle’s family but not stressing your own finances.
I think there are also some other factors you could consider. Is your uncle’s financial situation something that he got himself into and could have avoided or could get himself out of by making better decisions, or is it an unfortunate situation outside of his control that he is struggling with through no fault of his own? Is there a way you can help him become more financially stable in the future so he no longer needs help, or would it be an endless cycle that ultimately wouldn’t do either party any good and would just allow the problem to persist indefinitely? Does your uncle need an intervention of sorts, or does he just need enough support to get back on his feet? Are there financial institutions or other forms of official aid that can offer him support and options so that you don’t need to step in? Can you possibly help him find a higher income job so he can support himself, instead of just offering money? If your uncle is just bad with money, can he be taught how to better save? Could he benefit from a financial advisor? Etc, etc.
