If you have a partner, you have a friend.
Donât have friends and my wife is cold as ice. Kinda want to go to sleep and not wake up
The hell are you staying with her for? Youâve got one fucking life. Get yourself away from that toxicity and maybe youâll find life isnât that bad after all.
I agree with the sentiment but it is easier said than done - splitting finances, houses, assets, debts etc is a mahoosive pain in the arse, and may well be perceived as less of an evil than actually putting up with the daily shit.
Ultimately though I do agree, it doesnât change without some fundamental movement - either recover what relationship you have with the wife, or start planning a 12 month strat to get your shit in order and pivot to a more single lifestyle for a while.
Good luck bro/broette. You got this, and weâre happy that youâre here.
Just choose a hobby and do that once or twice a week as your time. If she has any issues tell her to fuck off.
Thereâs still time to make new friends, you just have to discover new places or try to talk with people you never talked much. If you are unhappy with your marriage, you two might possibly need some marriage counseling. An unhappy marriage can make things worse my friend. Thatâs what I learnt from my dad all these years.
Iâve noticed friends chose their faith themselves. Iâve lost four really good friends, that Iâve known for 15+ years, by them just not talking to me anymore. Thatâs it, no angry shout-out, no âoh you changed a lotâ, no complain about me trying to contact them or any remarks on why they might not want to hang out with me. They just never go online anymore and donât reacting to the phone to trying to hang out. I know they arenât dead, as other people I still know are in contact with them.
My conclusion is, that a lot of people donât know anymore what friendship is and that they destroy this themselves until they are old but have no one left to hang out with but shallow TikTok level of friendships.
Some people vanish because they struggle with life. Maybe thatâs not relateable for everyone, but sometimes people do not have the energy to maintain friendships. There is nothing that you can do on your end but there also is nothing they can do on their end.
From addictions to mental crisis, autoimmune disease or chronic pain there is so much that can suck a person dry. Also all kinds of family and relationship issues.
Sometimes the difference between the friends these people still have contact with and those who they donât have contact with comes down to marginal differences like living close by and crossing ways regularly.
This is me. I barely have the energy to get through each day. Maintaining friendships feels like an impossible mountain to climb. Being an introvert plays a large part in this as I feel more tired after hanging out with friends. In truth, friendship has almost always felt like a burden more than a benefit to me. I kept them because I had to, or I was supposed to. I donât feel like Iâm missing much now.
I am that friend that vanished that you are describing.
In my case, I tried talking to the friend that bothered me ( an unmedicated ADHD alcoholic mess of a friend) he told me to fuck off.
I even stopped hanging out with my old group of friends that involved this guy that I described because it became this: male anger space to vent off, suicide jokes, complain about work, glorify alcohol, try out different types of drugs. No, thank you, I donât want to do a live action of Rick n Morty.
There is no talking with a group where everyone decided to stay together on a shitty decision. I tried once and they got really angry and made me the wrong one for going to the gym, waking up early, quitting alcohol, etc.
I still keep in touch from afar and now, almost 10 years later, some of them are saying " yeah, the doctor told me to drop the alcohol", " yeah now I found the right meds for me and I aint as angry"
Everybody goes at their own pace, but expecting other friends to stay with you during this journey is ludicrous.
I went my way and although it hurt, sometimes its the best thing you can do for your mental health and integrity
Oh sure. Iâm totally with you on this. Difference is Iâm no alcoholic nor do things that have a bad influence on people, nor were my friends addicts.
If anything, Iâm a better person than 10 years ago because Iâm less depressed, more happy, Way easier to talk to, do sports, friendlier, donât talk about politics much anymore, donât put myself on a pedestal, and way less aggressive. So that people stop wanting to be my friends hurts a lot, because everything I do and the person I am, is a much much better person and I worked so hard on that.
I donât and canât believe people liked my asshole self more than me now. And these people that stopped talking to me are also good people. Itâs absurd.
I donât know you or your friends, but I do know that everybody goes through their own shit. You shouldnât look at it as a reflection on you. Maybe at some point you can reach out to some of them or theyâll surprise you and do the same. Iâm of the opinion that true friends i.e., the ones whoâve stuck through it with you no matter what in the past, where those bonds were formed early, are pretty permanently going to be there in the future when you call on them or need them. Give it some time and donât be hard on yourself. As someone who probably has ADHD, that and other mental illnesses drain peopleâs ability to maintain relationships down, unless theyâre in close proximity or a spouse, and even then it is hard⌠Iâm supposed to get up and call the bank to sort a problem for my wife and I and I just wanna lay in bed and dick off because Iâm tired. Life is tiring manâŚ
I feel you.
On your 3rd paragraph, I also have no idea why this happens, but we are not the only ones. Maybe people get the idea we became too self-centered?
I cannot comment on you because I donât know you, but in my case, if I were to be self-critic, I always focus too much on my career, wife, hobbies, household chores, family⌠friends were always the last priority on my schedule. People pick up on that quickly, idk.
I do have some friends though who are low maintenance and with these I find its much easier to keep friends with. We can go 6 months without seeing each other and its still fun to get together.
Kids shifted my priorities.
As they should if youâre going to be a parent thatâs worth a damn. You sir, seem to be worth a damn.
I never understand why we congratulate people for procreating. There are about 8 billion people and they all have the animal desire to make more people, big whoop mate. Have they made any other notable contributions?
They arenât being congratulated for procreating. They are being congratulated for having the right mentality around procreating (in that it is a sacrifice that requires at the least consideration prior and commitment after in order to make a good human to carry on the species).
Youâll be in for a surprise when the kids have grown up and are leaving to live their own lives. Happens faster than you might think and after that you might end up having neither kids nor friends.
Just a friendly hint from an old fart who has been through all that
Except those kids now will get to discover the wonder of $10,000/mo rent for a sleep pod, $200/gal gas, 150°F summer and probably a wildfire too, as well as food that starts at $100 for a hotdog, at this given rate.
Yes. Wonderful. Good job, yâall.
I told myself I would stay in touch with my friends no matter what. I lost exactly one after kids: my childhood best friend. Turns out he couldnât handle being second to my wife (another childhood friend) and my kids. It was a pretty close second, and I even told him heâs the brother I never had and let him stay with us rent free for a bit.
He didnât like that I couldnât just run off on any of his spontaneous plans and just left our home and even our friend group entirely.
All my other friends understand and we put together a Discord community and some game servers for when we canât get together. I really appreciate my guys, and now that my kids have a few years on them I have a bit more freedom. My wife is great about helping me spend time with them.
I had a similar thing happen except the childhood friend turned out to be a pedo and after my kid.
Not enough evidence to take to the police, but Iâll be there to stand as a negative character witness should the need arise.
And you may ask yourselfâŚ