Here recently it seems like everything just gets under my skin so quickly and easily. It’s not that I get mad and take it out on others, it’s just the fact that I’m constantly annoyed and stressed. Something as simple as the dogs tracking some mud through the house will just ruin my mood. I know some people who would just laugh it off and clean it up. Meanwhile I’ll get pissed that I didn’t wipe their feet and be mad the entire time I’m cleaning it up. This has nothing to do with the dogs, it just an example. Any number of seemingly insignificant things can trigger me like that. Like forgetting something at the store and having to go back. I would love to be able to go, “well that sucks” and just get over it.
Train yourself to observe yourself. With some practice, you can kind of see yourself from an outside perspective. Watching yourself have a tantrum over spilling some water, or banging your head or whatever, is pretty funny.
The easiest way someone explain this to me which really made it click -
Something potentially annoying or shitty happens… Think about how long it will actually matter for.
Will it matter in an hour? Will it matter in a day? Will it matter in a month? What about a year?
The longer it actually matters for, the more emotional effort you can feel justified putting into it.
I guarantee that the dogs tracking muddy footprints through the house won’t matter in an hour - and just answering that question for yourself usually takes all the charge out of your emotion.
If it will matter in a year such as something big like a relationship crisis that could upheave your life… Well maybe it’s actually worth getting stressed about.
The best part about this is you can actually lie to everyone else, but you cannot lie to yourself about how long it will matter for and just asking yourself the question has the effect whether or not you want to be angry and say yes it will matter.
Going with the flow is such an important skill that more parents need to put more of a focus in teaching. It’s all about making sure that your response is a realistic way of attaining your goal in the situation.
If I’m talking to someone else and trying to help them through a situation like they say, ask them to think for a minute if getting angry will do anything at all to help the situation they find themselves in.
“You are absolutely right to be upset about this situation, and if you need to take a minute to feel that rage, go right ahead. Once you’re ready though, let’s take a deep breath, remember that we can’t change what’s already happened and instead be strategic and intentional about what we do from here to correct for what just happened”
Being able to gain control of yourself is a skill that requires practice. Intrusive thoughts and feelings and emotions happen to everyone, the trick is just recognizing when it’s happening. When you recognize that it’s happening, take a deep breath and shake it off. For me that means just slowing down and being much more methodical and intentional about anything that I say or do until that fight or flight mode response disengages. Be conscious of the fact that my reflexes cannot be trusted when I am in fight or flight mode.
I just think about all the times that getting mad actually helped the situation in any way at all.
I mean, in some situations, getting mad is the correct response, but I find that to be extremely rare.
After getting mad, the situation is usually still just as shit but you’re even more upset and you’ve probably upset some other people around you too.
I can’t tell you. I experimented with psychedelics in my 20s, and it wouldn’t surprise me if that change in behavior was one take away from that time… It’s easy to say life is meaningless, but to personally experience it (or at least what felt like it at the time) is a whole different thing.
After that realization, you get some perspective I guess.
