Trigger warning: dysphoria, if it isn’t obvious.
It’s kinda fucked up, amirite? I feel like a couple of people tried to get me down today, and I stood up for myself. And it felt good! I’ve been waiting 37 years to be me, to be the bad bitch I always wanted to be, always being so demure, so quiet, so… Passive. But since I came out I’ve felt this energy, this confidence I’ve never had before. I even went to, and through the grocery store in full girlmode! Yoga pants hugging my excellent buttocks and all. (It’s the one thing everyone complemented me on when I thought I was a guy) Nobody batted an eye, even found a cool dude promoting love and positivity
(I thought I got a good picture, but I didn’t T_T. Imagine a 75 year old dude that rode his bike to Walmart, just… holding a sign saying “You’re Loved.” The coolest of cats.)
And then… My brain has been unloading every intimate detail of my childhood; being 7, and told I can’t take a bath with my 4yo cousin cuz she’s a girl, and I’m a boy, and you just don’t do that. Boys don’t play with Barbies. The hair growing all over my body at puberty. I’ve always called myself “wolf man” from all the hair.
I cried for 15 minutes yesterday because I had the realization that my mom will never put my hair up, just cuz I asked my wife to help me fix my hair while she was watching me play video games.
I cried for 10 minutes today after shaving my right arm, and seeing how pretty it actually is under the hair. And then my wife got upset cuz I told her I was gonna slow down, but then I cought sight of my ugly, hairy man-hands and needed to fix that right now, and shaved my arms this morning. Thinking back on that is making me feel really dysphoric. I just want to be like you (her).
I’m sorry for the vent. I just needed to clear my head. And I’m so sorry if I trigger anyone or ruin their day. I just needed to lament on what is probably a common experience.
