Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.
So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.
I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.
Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.
I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.
Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.
Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?
It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.
She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.
What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?
Sounds like she’s just finding excuses and this will only escalate. Today she’s trying to emasculate you, tomorrow…? Find someone that loves you for you.
Cut your losses and find someone who doesn’t do that.
Yeah, I am starting to wonder if that’s the right call. We’ve had a great relationship for the most part, but while I forgive and move on from her minor mistakes–with the understanding that people fuck up sometimes and a sincere apology and effort to fix it going forward is sufficient–she’s far less inclined to do that.
It has gradually resulted in an imbalanced relationship, where she does stuff like this and I don’t. I’ve supported her through some tough stuff, yah know? And I feel like all that sacrifice got discarded because of a 10 second run in with some HVAC guy.
Props to the people saying things about not understanding the complexity here, but I will say you’ve given quite a few examples of her general demeanor and attitude towards things.
Growing up in a tough environment, being in fight mode, etc.
It sounds like you’re sort of tanking losses on that you’re supporting her but she’s not responding in kind.
The thing you have to ask yourself m is the following: Is this a one-off? Is this going through a rough patch? OR is this a trend?
If it’s a trend, your answer is pretty clear.
Wish you the best, with or without her.
I don’t think this is the best solution. Sure, maybe down the road OP may need to cut their losses and break up with their SO, but I think trying to resolve the problem is a better route. From there, OP will see if this is an issue that can be resolved, whether OP wants to attempt to resolve it, or whether that wouldn’t be the case.
Take everything people here say with a grain of salt. We don’t know your relationships history, nor are we going to be able to get the full truth from both of your perspectives.
That said, it sounds like there is definitely more going on in your relationship than just that event and her cycle. Yeah, maybe it would have been best for you to get out of bed and go check things out, but I’d say it’s more likely that you didn’t see how she was feeling from that experience which is the real problem. You might be experiencing a communication breakdown.
Don’t give up hope if you just recently started having these thoughts about ending the relationship. Even good relationships have low points. Keep the communication flowing. Keep friends around so the conversation can be light-hearted at times. Forgive everything that’s forgivable. Maybe talk with a therapist or counselor (it’s gotten cheaper). Find a way to take the edge off that’s not harmful because you’re probably really stressed.
There’s no magic bullet to fixing this situation. It’s gonna take some effort to work things out. Best of luck
Edit: you should also talk to the landlord about maintenance being in your house while you’re sleeping. That really shouldn’t happen.
I understand that. It’s hard to capture the depth of relationships on some forum. I’ll just say that we’ve both been through some difficult things, but we’ve supported each other. The past year or so, though, she’s been going through a lot more (relatives dying, dad now in prison, etc.) , and I’ve stepped up to the best of my ability.
Though she wants me to communicate more about how I’m doing, and she actually likes it when I do so, I just don’t have the time or emotional energy to do that and still be present for her. It’s a definite lose-lose. Because I know she’s not really in a good state to have me be vulnerable on the way she likes, but by not being vulnerable, she feels like I don’t trust her.
I try to approach this (and all my relationships) with a strong understanding that people aren’t perfect. We fuck up, make mistakes, and have to learn from them. Sometimes she doesn’t have that same grace. She holds waayyy more grudges than I do. I essentially do a monthly ritual of forgiving her for lashing out a bit when her cycle is on or her psychiatrist doesn’t give her a refill for her anxiety meds on time. But my mistakes are usually harder for her to move past. She does eventually, but nowhere near as often.
I am looking for a therapist for myself right now, actually. I think at least ironing out how I’m feeling before I approach what happened with her is important.
Oof. I’d be going completely insane in her situation most likely. I can see the comparison she made to her dad as coming from wanting him back badly, though maybe it’s coming out in a more subconscious way that she’s not realizing directly.
I don’t want to be an asshole to you, but some of the ways you seem to think about her I think are potentially harmful to both of you. “waayyy more grudges” really isn’t the most loving way you can be thinking about her expressions and attitudes, though I get you’re probably being a bit hyperbolic about it. So again, a bit of destressing might help clear your head about things.
I would definitely suggest you stick to the idea of talking things out with a therapist or similar before you have any real talks about this with her. The way you said some of those things can be taken as a deeply personal attack to someone who’s suffering emotionally.
Ultimately it sounds like you need to decide if you’re willing to carry her burdens, since it sounds like she’s not capable of carrying them herself. Most people online would tell you to run, but that isn’t always the best course of action.
Do you love her enough to continue carrying at least part of her baggage while she works through her issues? Can you see a life without her? Is that life that you see happier, or emptier?
It’s okay to stay with messed up people if you guys make each other happy. Most of us are messed up in one way or another. But you have the right to set boundaries and not let certain lines be crossed. When they’re crossed you can remove yourself from the situation, either temporarily, or permanently.
It sounds like she’s working through her damage. Help her feel safe, and maybe some healing will occur. That doesn’t mean rush out and buy a shotgun. You probably shouldn’t have any weapons in that house. But just let her know through actions and words that you take her safety seriously. Get some WiFi cameras. Get a door alarm. Put wooden rods in the sliding glass door and window gaps. That kind of stuff could go a long way.
Stay away from her when she’s in crazy mode. That’s advice for a lot of relationships. Just give her time and space to be crazy, and when she calms down, tell her how that makes you feel, and how it’s not okay. I’m not a psychologist, but there are some of my thoughts on the matter.
Good luck to you guys.
I’m a little baffled that after hearing “maintenance” that she expects you to be in fight mode. Granted it could be a ruse, but really?
So I have to ask, is she always in this mode that everything everywhere is a threat and danger? If so I think she needs therapy.
She grew up in a dangerous environment. In a lot of ways, she’s always in fight or flight mode. Usually fight.
It’s something she is getting treated for. She’s on an anxiety med and visits a therapist once a month, but between that and a very stressful job, she’s worn down.
It’s a really complex situation all around and I don’t know of a straightforward way to deal with it.
Well there you go. People online are quick to say breakup but I’m not. I think this is a learning experience for her, and for you a bit on her mindset. She needs to get her fears under some control. But it can be hardwired so sometimes we have to play along and stand between her and strangers so she feels safe (but still unpack it later).
That’s not the issue.
The issue is she blamed her partner for not doing anything wrong. And held up the wedding above his head like a threat. Has she even apologised yet?
I would say did you have a leveled and rational conversation about this incident? I think her understanding your perspective, your upbringing vs hers, and her self-identifyed baggage, you could come out of this stronger and with a deeper understanding of each other. Re: those who say “holding the engagement over his head” - isn’t it perfectly reasonable to express hesitation in a relationship when you are unsure of its future? Seems to me she doesn’t know if she can get over this thing. She is re-evaluating. Now a good discussion could put that to rest, but it could also lead to the opposite, so truth or compromise?
It sounds like the real issue is that you’re reconsidering if managing her current mental illness is still worth it. It’s a valid question. You do need to make sure you’re in a relationship that is good for both of you. But if you know she has this issue, and know that’s the cause of her problems, you should be able to talk through it.
Approaching every situation in “fight mode” is often what turns mundane interactions dangerous.
She needs to realize the value of being able to keep a level head and assess situations.
Or she needs a dog to feel safe not this toxic masculinity shit. Men aren’t your eternal protector, they’re people who can be scared or confused.
Having read the rest of the comments, the way she grew up sticks out to me. I obviously don’t know the details, nor should I know them, but you said she grew up in a dangerous environment, and she compared your response to her father. The question I have is, “Would being like her father be a good thing?”
I don’t have any context, and maybe her dad was a pillar of safety and stability in her life, but my first thought was what if he had been part of the problem, and either way, I think that’s something that’s worth looking into for both you and her. Is she unconsciously seeking the bad parts of her past, or does she equate that kind of aggression with a sense of safety? Or maybe none of the above. Regardless of the answer, I think getting to the bottom of that response could help you both move forward, in whatever direction that ends up being.
We don’t know your relationship and you have to decide what is a red flag or not at the end of the day.
But don’t ignore what you’re worried might be a red flag.
From another perspective that maintenance guy might have saved you a painful marriage.