Personal background: I strongly feel just about everyone grows up and has something shitty about them. I know growing up I definitely thought and said some less-than-ideal jokes about women, minorities, etc. And while some of that was the proverbial ‘the times’, and some was growing up in a sheltered hyper Christian southern American conservative situation, I regret my actions and am happy I grew past that. And I do think people, especially younger, can grow past their shittiness, especially with the help of others, which was true for me too… When I got my first W2 job a superior I looked up to helped mold me into a better person by calling me out on things and modeling a better behavior.
Current situation: I’m now the supervisor position, have been for a decade (retail is a trap) and I’ve taken that to heart, calling out jokes that aren’t funny, etc. But recently we hired a new kid who acts really incel-ish, and who apparently has attached himself to me instantly. I’ve had moderate success so far just telling him his ‘lol women dumb’ jokes aren’t funny, and modeling how working with women is… normal? Anyways, I don’t wanna screw this up so do y’all have any suggestions for me to help keep him from going down an unfortunate path? I know at the end of the day I’m not responsible for others’ routes in life, but I feel we should all do our parts.
I have an gaming buddy that is waaaaaaaaay down the conspiracy rabbit hole, I wish I had the energy and position to help him. Another friend of mine that is closer to him says he’s gone, she’s been trying for years to talk him out of it. He has a constant stream of right wing insanity on in the background of his house.
You’re doing a wonderful thing for this young man
Hey, sounds like you’re doing a good job already! One thing I want to add is to establish a boundary for the three different relationships you’ll have with your coworker - mentor, personal, and working. You don’t necessarily need to be explicit with him about it, but you should have a pretty clear idea where the lines are for yourself. This is so that you can be aware of when you need to be a mentor, when you should be a boss, or when you should just be another human. Of course those boundaries will change over time, so it’s good to re-evaluate every once in a while.
It’s also good to remember that at the end of the day, you can’t actually change how your coworker behaves - it is up to him to make the choice to not say shitty things, be kind, and do good.
I certainly wouldn’t ask an internet forum. Any answer other than advising you to seek the help of a professional is the wrong one.
I’m literally sending an email to help@saveincels.org as I type this, while calling the incel hotline, and writing a letter to The Incel Whisperer at 42069 Incel Therapy Rd.
A long time ago, I tried giving similar advice to someone on reddit I saw had a similar vibe I felt I probably had some version of back in my 17 - 22 age range period. I think telling someone who feels hopeless about their own chances in relationship success stories where you personally can relate are the best way to pull someone out of an otherwise toxic spiral they often get stuck in.
Not the typical “be yourself” parental type advice, but like “I also felt” and “well until I” type of personal experience perspective. Use your own genuine growth and self-reflection as a cornerstone of how you talk to them. If you want to help, you need to talk to them in a way that makes them feel like they’re not the only person in the world who is experiencing or who has experienced the sort of despair they have.
And - as someone else pointed out - it isn’t your responsibility. And ultimately, the person has to themselves want things to be better. If they’ve decided it’s hopeless, there’s nothing anyone but themselves will be able to do… but it is noble to try.
At one point in my life, I had decided I would stop feeling hopeless after being rejected by those who I had fallen for, and instead work on myself. As a result, I ended up getting into really great shape, going on dates, and meeting lots of really wonderful people and growing as a person - ultimately finding someone who I eventually married and had a family with. I realized far after the fact that I must have been someone miserable to be around in at least some way - due to the way I was raised (also religious Southern sheltered family), and the poor socialization skills I had lacked as a result.
You ultimately aren’t responsible for this person’s behavior, but I understand wanting to help them. Calling him out for bad behavior is definitely a good way to go, try not to be harsh though. Maybe push him to try and become friends with a female coworker. If they’re friends with a girl they aren’t necessarily sexually attracted to, it’s a great way to teach him to view girls as regular people.
Maybe push him to try and become friends with a female coworker.
Please ask her before you use her to teach a lesson.
Encouraging them to seek out a female friend isn’t using the seeked out person as a lesson. What an weird way to interpret that.
You should really have the decency to contemplate why a woman would not want that before you tell her she’s wrong for not wanting it.
It sounds like you’ve never had the experience of being the woman used as a lesson, and I’m really glad for you. I’m sorry you think my lived experience is weird! Blessed be.
