Hello friends, if you’ll allow me, I would like to rant for a moment about the state of dating in an urban setting.
I don’t want to immediately say things were better decades ago, but as someone who is monogamous, vanilla, just wants a steady partner, it feels impossible to date with the current apps. I am in hobby groups, I’m on Bumble, Hinge etc., I meet new people. Yet I can’t seem to find anyone. I’m despairing friends, I’m despairing.
I feel like I’m picking people off an algorithm. The room for surprise and delight has been cut off. Now there is only space for cold hard data. Lots of pretty people with good education and it’s so hard to see them as people and not just another part of an ever growing list. Another dot in the scatter plot.
People who are in LTRs, how’d you find your partner? What keeps you together?
Other single folk, how are you finding dating to be in your current locale? What things have brought success or failure in your mind? How do you define success or failure?
I found my partner 14 years ago in the hospital as I was lying on the same station as her mum was.
I can not recommend you slip off a roof and break your femur just to find love. There must be other ways. Please explore other avenues.
Dating in general is rough. Apps work for some and not for others. I like reading studies, and the ones on apps always made me feel pretty hopeless. You’re definitely not alone in feeling empty interacting with the algorithm. I did the same thing you’re doing, joined groups, joined multiple apps to increase my chances and odds, I came and went in activity frequently. My mental health definitely didn’t help in the search for a partner.
Married my LTR. We met on a dating app right before COVID hit. We’d crossed paths a few times before and had some mutual acquaintances, but it wasn’t until both of us were on the app that we started any interaction. Both of us had basically given up on the apps but were convinced by friends to try it again. I know it’s super cliché, but things just clicked and felt right. We had some bumps, but both of us really wanted to make the relationship work.
We stay together because we’re comfortable with each other. We’re on the same page on most things, we discuss things when we’re not. If we need space, we give it. We’re open minded, try things on our own and together. Usually when we’re apart and experiencing something, one of the first thoughts is “I wish they were here.” We’re ok with quiet and just existing in the same space, we don’t need fancy or extravagant or to always have something going on.
Could we have been with other people and made it? Probably. I’m not a huge ‘the one’ person, she’s probably more than me. However, there’s a lot of times she makes me question my stance on that. She’s pretty neat and I don’t know what I did to deserve her.
Regarding “the one”. I think people misunderstand what it means. There is no magical one person out there to find. On the other hand once you find someone they can very well become “your one”. That really takes a lifetime though. My wife and I have been together over 25 years and each year has been better and deeper. After the first date mentally I thought it would be over in 3 months.
becoming desperate
don’t do that. not only do you risk settling for someone toxic, but you also risk becoming codependent on anyone you find.
no one is going to fulfil you, if that is what you are looking for. complement, yes, but your own happiness must not be subject to their presence or absence in your life.
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Highly recommend through friends. Also you need to give people time and a chance. Also do not confuse lust and surface stuff for long term love and compatibility After first date I thought probably be over in 3 months. Somewhere along the way it got out of hand and we have been together over 25 years.
I feel you man. I broke up with my long term girlfriend a few months ago and while I’m not ready to jump into a new relationship, I can’t really see where I’ll meet someone new!
I met my previous relationships in school, like the other commenter. Now that I’m out, I have no idea where to meet people… my friend group does hangouts and events and whatever, but it always ends up being just us. Sometimes, rarely, we do get to meet the occasional friend of a friend, but these are in a relationship more often than not.
So thanks for reading, I added 0 to this thread but I still wish you luck!
You definitely added more than zero value! I begin to feel more and more that for a high percentage of my generation (born post-2000), learning how to navigate social networks IRL wasn’t a skill we learned. There’s a generational atrophy when it comes to organizing parties and mixers and social activities larger than your closest friends.
One of the things I’m trying to break down in my friend group is the apathy towards mixing different groups of friends. Like we think different communities won’t be able to get along with each other, and there is a paralyzing fear of any kind of social awkwardness. This also likely has to do with the friends I’ve made over the years, as someone who has struggled greatly with social anxiety I think I’ve naturally selected for groups of socially anxious people. Ack.
I met my wife on Bumble and we just had our first baby. Dating apps didn’t work well for me for about a year, but then they really started to pick up and I had much better dates. What I found worked best was sticking to swiping, but getting to an actual date within the first week of talking and limiting getting to know eachother over text. If you do the whole introductory phase on an app, then you will have a hard time developing a dialogue or a vibe in person. If you use the apps for brief introductions and finding dates, then they are good. I would just try to take the dialogue off the app as soon as you see an opportunity to have a date in person.
