How much time have you spent being single?
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
What are / were the pros and cons?
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
What are the pros and cons?
Single about 25 years. I’m 71 and I absolutely love my life. I have lots of friends and a very active life, but I love coming home and being alone there. Before menopause I had a strong libido and terrible taste in men, so I had a lot of truly awful relationships, with endless drama.
It’s kind of by choice I guess, though I don’t get offers. A few years ago a guy gave me the eye and I contemplated it, until I caught sight of his bare feet. Oh dear god no. Self-care is important mate, you need to see a podiatrist.
The main con of being single for me is not enough hugs and cuddles. The pros are too many to give up for that though. I get to decide everything and make plans based on what I want. I can fart loudly, talk to my potplants and be lazy without Someone rolling their eyes, it’s bliss.
Hug and cuddle your friends and family! That’s what I’ve been doing and it’s awesome.
And maybe I’m biased because of lacking experience, but a relationship where you don’t (except maybe initially) feel comfortable farting out loud seems unhealthy…
I do hug my friends (and family when they visit from far, far away), I’m very huggy. Cuddling is another level of intimacy though. I do miss it, a bit.
My farts are so loud you probably heard me earlier and thought it was a car with engine trouble.
I was born in 1987, sooooo, 36.5 years and counting…
I wasn’t mature enough to be interested in finding a girlfriend in school, when I started being interested I got fat and balding.
Then it has now gone so long that I am worried about how an inexperienced virgin would be seen by women in their 30s/40s.
I have a good job, limited debt, own my apartment and my car, have decent finances, have lived alone for ten years so can take care of chores, pay bills, I am a decent cook (if lazy), I enjoy photography and simple adventures.
I am a bit insecure of my weight, but am trying to work on it when I can, I go swimming 3 times a week during periods when I can do that.
The main issue is that I don’t know where to start finding someone.
Have you asked yourself wether it’s truly something you want for yourself, or instead, perhaps a feeling that you’re behind on some social benchmark? I ask because I’m 33 with a relatively similar experience, but when a woman I dated told me she thought I might be asexual, when I did the research and asked myself these questions I realized I was operating entirely on the supposition that I’m ‘normal’, and not that the urges to be in relationships and have sex likely stemmed from a perceived social obligation.
Once I realized that in my heart of hearts I’ve never actually experienced an urge to have sex with another person, I embraced an asexual identity. Without sex as a motivator, I soon realized I didn’t even experience romantic attraction.
Some folks think this is sad, but in truth I’m so much happier and carefree, without the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn’t actually fit me, much less the stresses of maintaining a relationship.
That is a very good point, I have thought about it and mostly embraced the idea of never experiencing sex, and it sure is relaxing to just not worry about it.
On the other hand, I am quite lonely, I have few friends, and sometimes it is tough to deal with shit on my own.
Dealing with mycoplasma and pneumonia at the same time for one and a half months mostly on my own was not fun, even had to go to the hospital for that, and stayed two nights before starting to get better.
Sex for me would be interesting, I like learning how things work and with a partner who would be patient with me I think it would be quite enjoyable.
I know sex is a very important part of a relationship for many people, and I am mostly worried that I would be too disappointing in that area.
What I mainly am looking for in a relationship is companionship, I am getting tired of allways being alone, though I will concede that being single and living alone makes planning a breeze for the most part.
Finding likeminded people in yours 30s and 40s can be tough. I’ve had good luck meeting people at volunteer events that align with my hobbies/passion - for me it’s IT so I go to repair events, but also go to local community cleanup days, food banks, etc. I’m sure there’s something out there that works for your interests.
If volunteering isn’t your cup of tea, try taking a class at community college! There’s plenty of adult education courses that are mostly for fun and only last a few nights, like How to Make Pasta From Scratch, or How to Paint a Simple Oil Painting. They tend to draw a diverse crowd and it’s easy to chat and make friends. And maybe there will be a spark!
Don’t put too much pressure on your weight or baldness. That’s exactly the type of guy that many folks are looking for. Don’t wait until you fit your own idea of attractiveness to find someone who loves you for you!
Currently somewhere around 10 years single.
I struggle with social cues, anxiety, etc.
It’s lonely.
I’ve been single for about 7 years myself & struggle with the same thing.
Would you say that you’re confident in yourself or not so much?
Confidence? Not so much. But it’s less a fear of rejection, and more a fear of upsetting someone.
In short, my thought process goes like this:
- Approaching women can make them uncomfortable.
- I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
- Therefore, I don’t approach women.
I basically limit myself to online dating, but as we all know, that’s a shit show unless you’re in the top 10% on the scale of attractiveness. And so I’ve been single 10+ years.
How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship?
The first 13 years of my life
How much time have you spent being single?
The aforementioned 13 years, plus sporadic times in my teen years and early adult years. I’ve been in a relationship with my wife since I was 21.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
N/A
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
Yes, to a certain degree.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
1.) I was in control of my own life. I could just decide to do something - anything - and then just do it.
2.) Didn’t have to keep track of finances. If money disappeared from my account, it was because I spent it.
3.) If opportunities to be intimate with someone arose, I could go with the flow and see where the night takes me. I didn’t have to commit to anyone if I didn’t want to.
Cons:
1.) Loneliness. No one to spend your time with.
2.) No one to bounce ideas off of, or introduce interesting plans or events into my life. It made planning for things harder, and encouraged me to be a lazy/messy couch potato instead of going out and being productive.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes.
If you’re currently not single: Did your goals change after getting into a relationship?
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
What are the pros and cons?
Pros:
1.) No longer alone.
2.) I’ve been married to my best friend for 15 years, so every day is fun and exciting.
3.) My wife encourages me to get out and do stuff. I’ve been on trips across Europe, Asia, and America. I’ve been on 3 separate luxury cruise lines; one in the Mediterranean and two in the Caribbean. Without my wife, I would’ve just stayed home and missed out on all those life experiences.
4.) I have shared hobbies with my wife, so I always have a partner for the fun things I want to do.
5.) We also have separate hobbies, so when one of us needs alone time, we both can focus on something we want to do without the other for a while.
6.) We’re more productive together. Alone, we’d just veg out and watch TV or doom scroll the Internet. But together, we can discuss various topics and explore new and fun things together.
7.) Getting laid is easy (unless you’re partner makes it difficult). No more prowling clubs/bars or dating apps and settling for someone just to get your rocks off. You have a willing partner at home who, if you’re in a healthy relationship, should be willing to get down with you most anytime. And you know their sexual history, so no worrying about getting an STI or something.
8.) If you’re in a healthy relationship, you have someone who you can truly be yourself around. You won’t need to put on a mask and pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s quite liberating to have someone who sees you at your worst in the privacy of your own home and still wants to be with you.
Cons:
1.) Every major decision needs to be audited by my partner. I can’t just decide to do something; I need to run it by my wife first. I’m in a healthy relationship, so I can just decide to do stuff on my own all the time and it’s not a big deal. But my relationship is also healthy because I include my wife in my planning, even if she’s not going to be involved. I don’t just run off to “hang out with the boys.” I give her opportunities to be involved, and if she chooses to stay at home instead of come out with me, that’s totally her decision. Or if she needs a night in with me, I cancel plans to spend time with her. I spend enough time with her that it’s not a big deal if I want to go do something on my own every now and then.
2.) I’m legally committed to this relationship (marriage), so if a better opportunity for a relationship comes along, I can’t just see where it takes me. My options are to cheat, or go through a lengthy divorce process before proceeding. Or do nothing and remain loyal to my spouse. It’s too risky/costly to attempt the first two, so I just don’t bother looking for other opportunities. I vowed to be loyal, so unless my wife makes my life a living nightmare, I’m sticking with her until the end.
3.) Aligning life goals can be difficult if you didn’t talk it out before committing to a serious relationship. And in the early years of a relationship, who wants to discuss the rest of your life together? It’s easy to get invested in someone whose life plans don’t match up with yours. So you have to live with compromise. Some dreams, you have to give up. Same goes for your partner.
4.) Unless your partner is responsible with finances, expect to have trouble keeping track of your money. Or just maintain separate bank accounts. Hopefully your partner isn’t a golddigger. My wife cares more about spending time with me than spending my money, so we have a healthy relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with spending money on someone you love. But if it seems like your partner only cares about your money and will leave you if/when the money dries up, it’s better to leave that relationship as soon as possible.
5.) Relationships are a gamble. You never know if it’s going to go smoothly, or if your partner is just using you for something until a better opportunity passes by. Hopefully you have a healthy relationship, and the cornerstone to that is trust and communication. But there are always master manipulators out there who will convince you that you need to stay in a relationship with them, even if it doesn’t make you happy. They’ll convince you that being lonely is worse than being in a broken/abusive relationship. If your partner starts isolating you from friends/family and doesn’t let you make decisions, you’re in an abusive relationship and need to get out immediately!
You sound like you’re in a lovely relationship!
Yes, relationships are compromise. Your goals will change. But it may be for the better or worse, depending on your partner.
What kind of compromises would you consider healthy vs. unhealthy in a partnership?
Healthy: Discussing and evaluating goals, dreams, desires, etc. and coming to a mutually beneficial agreement or understanding on a way forward.
Unhealthy: Being told your dreams/goals/desires/etc. are not reasonable and to give up on them (or change them to the benefit of your partner) for the sake of a continued relationship.
Yes, sometimes to do have to give up on a dream due to changing situations, and it sucks, but it should always be your decision. If someone gives you the ultimatum (choose me or your dreams), there’s no room for discussion or true compromise.
I generally went a year and half after a break-up before swearing off women; once I swear off women I have a new girlfriend within two weeks. Never fails.
Two weeks! What do you do, such that you’re meeting new people so frequently? I don’t think I’ve met anyone new in years!
