This is a serious question, mostly addressed to the adult women among us but also to anyone else who has a stake in the matter.
What did your father do for you/not do for you, that you needed?
Context: I have recently become a father to a daughter, with a mother whose father was not around when she was growing up. I won’t bore you all with the details but our daughter is here now and I am realising that I’m the only one in our little family who has really had a father before. But I have never been a girl. And I know that as a boy, my relationships with my mother and father were massively influential and powerful but at the same time radically different to each other. People say that daughters and fathers have a unique relationship too.
Question: What was your father to you? What matters the most when it comes to a father making his daughter loved, safe, confident and free? To live a good life as an adult?
I’d like this to be a mature, personal and real discussion about daughters and fathers, rather than a political thing, so I humbly ask to please speak from the heart and not the head on this one :)
Thank you
P.S Apologies if this question is badly written or conceived; I haven’t been getting enough sleep! It is what it is!
As a father, love your child, accept your child, and above all listen to your child.
Thanks so much for your advice. Listening has come a lot in this discussion and I wasn’t expecting it… Why is that? is it because listening shows a daughter that she matters?
Everyone needs to feel heard. You won’t always be able to solve all their problems. But you can make them feel heard. And often that’s more important.
I’ll add to what others have said about listening, don’t assume she wants you to solve every problem. My dad used to do that and it drove me crazy, especially when he’d point out out like it was so obvious. I often already knew the solution, but sometimes I didn’t like it or just wanted to vent before moving forward. I think it’s good for most relationships to ask, “do you want advice or is this just to get it off your chest,” before responding, not just with daughters, but I’ve noticed dads are particularly prone to wanting to fix the thing.
I think our lizard brain jumps to the fore and want to be like: “unga-bunga - problem! Me can fix with solution! It make tears stop!” when in reality, like you said, kids want someone they trust to give them permission to do the thing they know they need to do. They need to know they can come to you and be open and safe and loved.
Being a parent is like one part being a therapist, one part being the fence to the boundaries of exploration, and one part being The Doctor or some superhero in your child’s eyes capable of making magic and excitement happen. Fucking incredible, honestly.
You won’t always know what’s wrong with your daughter or what she needs but if you listen to her, like really listen, she will tell you which is so much more important.
In the long term, her being about to tell you things will make her feel safe and validated, it will strengthen your bond with each other, and it will help her develop the emotional intelligence to express herself in a healthy way that so many kids are missing these days. It’s win win win.
Because even though you might know what will be best for her - You might not have her big picture.
This thread already has so much great advice that it made me a bit teary eyed reading it. I don’t know if I can contribute much but I’ll try.
- 90% of parenting is just showing up. Your physical, mental, and emotional presents will mean far more to them than anything else. That’s what will make them feel valued and loved.
- Fuck gender norms. Regardless of if your child wants to learn to sew, fix engines, or both, embrace it, encourage them, and be there with them every step of the way.
- They don’t really have any perspective on things so small things to you are huge things to them. Don’t just dismiss their feelings.
- like everyone else said, listen to them. Like really listen every time.
- Don’t over think it. If you’re asking these questions, your head and heart are already in the right place. Trust yourself.
Yeah, last point is very true. I can already tell this girl is gonna have a good father regardless if he applies anything from this thread or not, given he cares enough and has the humility to ask.
Thanks so much for your comment - it’s given me confidence, compassion and some peace too :) It’s taken me nearly a week to read everyone’s replies and over that time it has made me feel quite emotional too. We all have so much love and goodness that we want to make happen the world. I’m eally glad I made this post.
My dad never spent time with me because we didn’t share hobbies, I tried desperately as a kid to get into what he liked, but he never tried to get into what I liked. My mom knew the names of the kids on Barney, what snacks cheered me up, or what friends I had in school, my dad also lived in the house.
As adults we’ve found common ground in politics and TV, and we have a relationship now, but we’d have a much better relationship if he’d tried to hang out with me back then.
So I guess my advice is just hang out with her, whatever form that takes. Time is so important.
Listen. Listen and make sure they know you hear them. Actively engage in thier interests. Be honest. Just don’t bullshit them. Daughters know. Mine are 27 and 11 and those are my biggest missteps along the way.
Oh, also be wrong. Be wrong and accountable. And learn.
So much nice advice here. I’m turning 30 this month and my dad and I continue to be very close. Top things I’m grateful for about my dad:
My dad is always lifting me up, but he did not and does not give me empty praise. He to this day gives me compliments about specific things he notices, which is amazing for my self esteem. Some examples: While I was cleaning the other day and kind of barking directions : “I love it when you get in the zone like this. It’s like you can accomplish anything” or “that’s something I have always been in awe of about you; you somehow know when people are down and figure out a way to lift them up. You’re very intuitive about it.” Or during a long day of hard work, " you’re like a machine! You’re incredible. Do you need anything?" Complimenting every little thing will just make her not trust your compliments. Being specific and accurate in your praise will help her feel truly good about herself and also strengthen your bond.
Idk what it’s like if it’s a step daughter and not a bio daughter but my dad would take me out. We never called it daddy daughter dates or anything (ew) but he would take me to dinner and a movie, or buy me flowers, or stop for coffee or ice cream at local shops. If we had to go somewhere for work or to pick up something for a home project he’d just stop at a bookstore and say this place looks cool, want to procrastinate a little in here with me? I know he loves to spend real time with me and he’s always opening me up to new places/hobbies
MOST IMPORTANTLY: my dad adores and dotes on my mom. There is nothing he won’t do for her. He will help her with the same problem a hundred times. He will make her coffee just the way she likes it every morning. He spoils her, he relies on her, he treats her like he is lucky to be around her, and that helps me to know exactly how I should be treated. I don’t allow anyone to mistreat me, not partners, not coworkers, not friends or in-laws. I know what a healthy relationship looks like, and I know what a partnership of respect and love looks like. My parents argue in front of me, sure, but I never ever doubt how much they love each other.
