Hey there,
I recently found out Kris Tyson is now trans. She had a wife and a child before the transition. This kind of made me wonder. How can anyone be sure they won’t turn out trans? Like what made you (to any trans people out there) make the switch?
To add a little context. I am a man, straight maybe a tiny bit bi. I have a some traits/interests that would typically be “reserved” (please excuse my terminology here and there) for women.
For instance, I dance a lot. I have even started ballet dancing. And in the past I had an eating disorder. Now I know this may sound a kind of bigoted or stereotypical. But I don’t mean it that way, this is purely based on statistics.
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body. I like being a man, I like the idea of masculinity, and I like being a man who dances. (Okay granted, I did not like the eating disorder)
But it makes me “worried” if I do end up trans when I already have a wife and children. I want to know before I get all of that done you know what I mean? Tyson probably wanted too, now that I think about it.
Bottom line: How did most trans people know they were trans?
However I feel in no way that I am in the wrong body.
I’m not trans, but I believe that’s the key. You said “turn out trans,” but I believe most trans folks never really felt like they were in the right body, ever, though they might not have realized what it was that was wrong earlier. It’s not like people wake up one day and think, “oh shit, I’m trans!”
I am trans and I can say I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body, I think most of the time that’s just a relatively flawed way to describe an experience that can’t truely be understood unless you’ve experienced it.
Of course, no one has the same experience with these things and it’s entirely valid if everyone else does feel that way. For me it’s mostly just been that something felt like it was missing, and I fixed that when I began to transition. The main thing was how much happier the internal changes made me, estrogen changes how you experience emotions and being out to my family had a similar effect.
When it comes to “signs” the biggest was just being envious of people who had the freedom to express differently than me. I can confirm that it’s a gradual realisation, though honestly most of that was overcoming shame and internalised transphobia.
Thanks for sharing that. I was repeating things trans people in my personal life have said, but as you point out, there’s no single universal experience.
Really glad to hear you’re happier now. It very much sucks that society (and individuals in society) made you feel badly for being who you are.
Dancing and an eating disorder don’t make you bi. Same-gender attraction does.
It sounds like you’re worried enjoying activities and having personality traits typically associated with women means you may be trans, which could negatively affect your family life if you transitioned. I mean this in the nicest way possible: my therapist would probably call this catastrophizing. It’s coming from a kind place (you don’t want to potentially upset your family), but it’s several hypotheticals stacked on top of each other. Don’t borrow trouble, as my grandma would say.
Nobody is going to be able to give you a test to tell you with 100% confidence you aren’t trans, but if you’ve always felt comfortable with being a man and your anatomy, there is no reason to believe you will suddenly want to be a woman. Feminine men are no less men than masculine men. Some feminine men are even trans men! Being a man (gender identity) isn’t the same thing as acting masculine (gender expression).
So, all that said, what made me realize I’m trans is finding out trans men exist. Seriously, that was all it took. Before that I only knew trans women existed and thought I wasn’t “allowed” to be trans. Within maybe a month of thinking on it and reading accounts from other trans men, I knew I was trans.
Cisgender woman here, I just wanted to add that if my husband were to come out as trans, that would not be a tragedy or something I wished he’d gotten figured out sooner for my sake. In this hypothetical scenario, if it somehow managed to make us incompatible as married partners we’d deal with it but people have gotten divorced for much worse reasons before. The worst part for me would be worrying if he’d been miserable during our marriage, because I love him and would hate for that to be his experience of our time together.
It’s really hard to imagine because AFAIK we’re both cis but personally I’d probably prefer to stay married to my spouse even if he changed his gender identity. I mean he’s still the same person I married and we still love the same things and have a wonderful life and child together. I dunno, maybe it wouldn’t work out in the end but I sure as hell wouldn’t be mad at him for something he couldn’t change.
Anyways, my point is you don’t have to assume that your relationships with cis people will all get blown up if you do happen to be trans. I appreciate the urge to have your ducks all in a row before embarking on significant life events but the truth is that marriage and adulthood is super messy anyways. If you marry someone and have a kid with them the odds are good you will have all sorts of chaotic events to deal with- physical illnesses, mental illnesses, kid stress or illness, weight gain or loss, money trouble, job changes, changes in personality with age, the list goes on and on. The trick to being happily married is rolling with the changes, working hard at your partnership, and being committed to your partner, not having it all perfectly lined up at the start.
If I wrote out a list of things I am interested in regarding my appearance that are gendered by society, I would think I was “a girl.” However, in practice, it was incredibly bad for me and being forced as such was a constant drain on me.
None of these stories are proof, but slowly realizing the sheer number of them from my past did indicate exploring was worthwhile:
- I could not see myself growing into an old woman. I used to think that was only because I did not think I would live long enough to be as such.
But the fact is, when first asked about it, the thought of growing into an old man actually sounded a bit nice. - I told every boyfriend I have ever had that I “might be trans” and asked them if they’d still stay with me as a man. It was very serious and very nonserious all at the same time.
- I clung to masculine presentation, even if it often still felt wrong, because “masculine woman” felt closer to the “femme genderfluid man” I somewhat unconsciously wanted to be than “feminine woman.”
- When I first played a man in a TTRPG game, it was incredibly fun in a way that is hard to describe. Something like, just… comfortable, for the first time.
- In preschool I demanded that the teachers use a male name and refer to me in character with male pronouns. This was not a one-off occurrence. I was very upset when they did not comply.
- When I was older, when people mistook me for a man I would feel relief. When they “corrected” themselves I would go back to being miserable.
- People using “ma’am” on me would make me extremely uncomfortable. Hearing the word “she” used for me made me oddly angry.
- I hated people looking at me and perceiving me, and, worst of all, desiring me.
All of these were difficult to see at the time. Difficult to see all at the same time. It is hard to tell if you are miserable when you are constantly miserable. It takes perspective to put it all together. It takes self-examination, experimentation, experience. You are stuck in your own head, after all.
I did not feel like I was in the wrong body. I felt like I was trapped in expectations of what I could do to my body.
I won’t regret any of it even if I suddenly decide to “transition back.” My life is a journey and I will do whatever feels right for me. My body is my own. It’s done me so much good to be able to explore who I am.
My suggestion to those questioning is generally to “try out” your gender of choice somewhere completely inconsequential. Video games, a temporary account, etc. Quietly following trans spaces for a while can give some perspective as well.
I don’t care if I “know for certain” that I’m trans. I think trying to answer that question as some kind of solid certainty can often run counter to the entirety of being trans.
I’m happier in a testosterone-based system, I am comfortable in a way that I never was, and life feels like I have a future now. I made changes that made my life better, and only changes that made my life better.
Trans just happens to be an accurate label. Labels are tools, shortcuts in communication. Not prisons.
