Probably get a different candidate.
I know some other Republican sycophant will fill the vacuum, but please don’t tempt me with a good time. I want to live long enough to throw an obituary party.
Today, we say goodbye to Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, folks. He was a great guy, believe me. He made America great again, the best anyone’s ever seen.
He built tall buildings, really tall, with his name on them, huge success. And he had a big, beautiful plane, Trump Force One, amazing. Some people liked him, some didn’t, but that’s okay.
Now he’s gone, but people will remember him for a long time, a very long time. Goodbye, Mr. Trump. You were tremendous, really.
Ladies and gentlemen, we gather here today to remember a tremendous life, a life like no other, believe me. Donald J. Trump, a man of great success, unmatched, really. He built an empire, folks, a fantastic, beautiful empire. The Trump Organization, Trump Tower, the best real estate, absolutely the best. And let’s not forget, he was the 45th President of the United States, a job he did like no one else could.
He made America great again, folks. Jobs, jobs, jobs, everywhere. The economy was booming, the best economy we’ve ever seen, they say. He fought hard, so hard, for the American people. Drained the swamp, big league. He dealt with foreign leaders, and they respected him. They did, they really did.
Donald J. Trump was a family man, a fantastic father, and a wonderful husband. Melania, Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, Tiffany, and Barron, all incredible, wonderful people. He loved them dearly, and they loved him.
He will be remembered as a patriot, a winner, a man who never stopped fighting for what he believed in. He believed in America, folks. He believed in you. And he will be missed. But we will carry on, we will keep fighting, and we will never forget the legacy of Donald J. Trump. Thank you, thank you very much.
His cult will vote for him, expecting his resurrection.
The trumpanzees would lose their fucking minds. Trump could choke to death on Putin’s dick on live TV and it’d still be pitched as some kind of deep-state hit job.
There would likely be a lot of violence.
The conspiracy theory would be like in Killer Elite with Jason Statham, but this time in the bathroom instead of a special floor tile hammer, seal team 6 with a penis hammer.
(PS: I tried to google a harmless penis hammer fun picture for illustration reasons, but holy fuck, whats wrong with some people, sounding, nailing, smashing, … 😮).
The entire would would rejoice. Except for Putin. Fuck that guy.
