cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/13974203
Hey, so I [17 MTF] have now known I’m trans for a bit over 1.5 years. Still, I have only come out to precisely 2 friends and my parents, even though I am a member of several groups that are trans-supportive. I have extreme anxiety when it comes to that.
Some reasons that I believe are part of why: (CW transphobia included)
- My parents didn’t take it super well and are kind of on the edge between transphobic and supportive. (They have a lot of transphobic views but are generally not malicious about it and try to use gender neutral terms for me most of the time.)
- One of the friends turned out to be quite transmed despite being trans herself, and has invalidated me on several occasions for not having enough dysphoria at the time.
- I’m scared other people won’t take it super well and I have no functioning support network.
- I’m scared I’ll be seen as some kind of abomination
- I don’t really feel like I “deserve” to come out since I haven’t started HRT yet (and my parents do not support me starting, so I have to do this in secret) and don’t feel like I pass well enough. I know I don’t need to, but telling my anxiety any of that has no effect
This anxiety is absolutely crippling my progress. It extends not only to coming out but also leaves me too scared to even make an attempt to pass. I look pretty fem already and have sufficient voice training for most situations, but I don’t even attempt to use that voice in public just in case it might slip. For this reason, everyone assumes I’m male very quickly upon me saying anything, which also leads to the anxiety worsening because now I’m also scared it was the looks and not the voice.
Additionally, I am non-confrontational to the point of fawning a LOT, which means I end up trying to appease anyone I have a conversation with even when there is no reason to. If someone criticizes the way my walls are painted for example, I will always agree with them to at least some extent, even if I actually like the way the walls are. This also makes coming out super hard because there is absolutely no way I will stand up for myself if someone reacts negatively. And that’ll of course validate them in their negativity.
As I’ve said, I have multiple groups that I know to be trans-supportive. But there, I am afraid coming out might still lead to disapproval due to me “not passing enough”. (Once again, I know this is a harmful way to think, but that’s what I’m here to fix.)
I’m on a waiting list for a therapist, although I don’t know how trans-supportive they are. I’m primarily there to help fix the anxiety and possibly get the autism I suspect to have diagnosed. I do hope they’re good with trans stuff too, but it’s not a requirement as I’ve already sorted the medical things out with slightly less-than-legal options.
So, my question is: Do you have any tips on how to reduce this anxiety and expand my support network by coming out in more places?
Do you know if there are any support groups for trans people in your area? This could be an in between solution while you get a therapist. And you could learn a lot from people going through the same experience.
I believe there are, but even there I’d be too scared to go / come out. (Honestly considering I have had a 75% rejection rate, including another trans person, this isn’t too surprising.)
You can go and just sit and listen. You don’t need to say anything until you’re ready. And if they’re trying to make you say something and you’re not comfortable, you leave.
Normally these groups are moderated with someone who’s qualified and they’re supposed to ensure this remains a safe space
But, that’s all up to you. If your don’t want to, that okay too.
I’m disappointed in your friend though. I would expect someone that’s going through the same thing to be more supportive or at least sympathetic.
Have you heard of non-violent communication? You can also try to express how you feel with an emotion wheel.
If you were looking for support in your friend and they ended up hurting your feelings, you could try to express that to them. That you were seeking validation and help from them but their behaviour/answer wasn’t what you expected from them made you feel rejected.
Or, id you think they’ll be confrontational and want to avoid that, you can also write a diary of your feelings.
If you’re feeling a lot of anxiety and have ruminating thoughts, you can follow the steps here to help you get through them.
I’ve been dealing with severe anxiety and have been doing therapy and these are some tools that have helped me quite a bit. I hope they can help you too. 🤍🩵💜
If you were looking for support in your friend and they ended up hurting your feelings, you could try to express that to them. That you were seeking validation and help from them but their behaviour/answer wasn’t what you expected from them made you feel rejected.
I have, and they didn’t take it super well. I also don’t think I can currently deal with the mental distress of interacting with them further.
Or, id you think they’ll be confrontational and want to avoid that, you can also write a diary of your feelings.
I’ve been writing a detailed diary for over a year now :P
Going to queer events and making new friends would be a great way to expand your support network. Depending on the size of your town, you’re probably going to run into the same people pretty often and you’ll get to know them over time.
As for the rest, you absolutely do “deserve” to come out, but I do relate to you. I came out to my friends pretty quickly, but held off more broadly for the same reason you did. I regret that decision, and I wish I had realised at the time that, for some people, you will never pass enough, be doing enough, “deserve” enough to be out. They will keep raising the bar until it can never be reached. Your “friend” has already given you a taste of that. You’re coming out for yourself, because the alternative is suffocating. Do it when you feel safe and ready, but don’t wait until everyone else thinks you’re worthy.
Going to queer events and making new friends would be a great way to expand your support network. Depending on the size of your town, you’re probably going to run into the same people pretty often and you’ll get to know them over time.
Funnily enough, I have been to a queer event. Except then I just stood on the sidelines the entire time, always far enough away for nobody to notice I’m even there.
You deserve whatever will make you happy 🫂
This is the worst part of transitioning, it’s uphill from here, just keep moving ❤️
So I’m not Trans but I live with anxiety. And I’m supportive of this entire community. I can’t imagine the kind of anxiety some of you experience, but at least I can offer some advice.
That anxiety is one of your best allies and worst enemies. It’s told you for your entire life that something is deeply wrong with you, and now you’ve figured out why… but that doesn’t mean the habit of being anxious is gone, NOR is there no reason to be anxious.
You have a habit of being anxious, so try recognizing when you fall into that pattern of behavior. Breathe deeply. Look around you. Keep grounded.
My personal example goes back to the Obama / McCain presidential campaign, and my negative self talk was fucking terrible. Constantly telling myself I should end this rather than fight.
And I read somewhere “How long would you stay friends with someone who talks to you the way you talk to yourself?”
I made a serious effort to change “I should kill myself” into “I should kill John McCain.”
I didn’t dislike the man but wouldn’t have voted for him. But I hated myself, so inserting that into my negative self talk helped me disrupt it.
Dunno if this can help you or not. You’ll need the therapy, medication, and yeah, you’re likely on more than one spectrum. That’s okay because you are who you are and that is valid.
I’m 50. I’m weird. I’m likely autistic, but why test it? I’ve experienced dysphoria and still do. I’m obese and not sure if it extends past not liking being this way.
But I also like my life. I’ve built a network of friends and allies. And I’ve worked to expand that network.
Breathe deep. You’ve got this. And you’ve got time to find your family. I hope it can still include your parents.
As much as I hate to admit it, I used to be a transmedicalist. It came from a place of insecurity, fear, and ignorance.
I always thought “I wish I were trans” but I thought I couldn’t be. I’m too masculine, my voice is too deep, I have too many traditionally masculine interests…all that BS. So when I saw trans people that didn’t pass, I projected those insecurities onto them. (Thank GOD I was never vocal about it -_- it’s hard to think about).
But the thing about that, and what it took me far too long to realize, is it truly doesn’t matter if you pass. A gay person isn’t any less gay if they haven’t been in a homosexual relationship, so why would trans people be any less trans for not meeting some arbitrary qualifications that other people set for you? Just like being gay, what validates your “transness” is your feelings, not your actions.
Transitioning doesn’t happen instantly, takes time and effort. So for someone to not take that into account when trying to understand trans people, whether they’re cis or they’re trans themselves, is just ignorant. (And there’s plenty of reasons for trans people to not visibly/medically/otherwise noticably transition at all, especially in a society that is hostile towards LGBTQ people). It’s not necessarily malicious, but it is ignorant, so you shouldn’t let those people invalidate your identity and your feelings.
But to more directly answer the question: Transmedicalists (at least amongst allies) are rare, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that kind of stuff when you’re coming out to people. In my experience, it’ll be obvious beforehand whether or not they’ll accept you. And if someone doesn’t accept you, I hope what I wrote above and what others have also mentioned here will help.
