Image: Meme of template It Is with Great Pleasure that I Inform You Colonel Toad
Caption: I terminated a relationship with a manipulative woman after tracking her behaviors and noticing patterns using a log.
Background: I have a history of getting into relationships with manipulative women. The last one was terrible as it left me in fear for my life. My autistic traits make it difficult for me to understand people’s intentions, which results in me unknowingly building relationships with people that prey on vulnerable people. I spent the past year and a half healing, learning about autistic traits, myself, and relationships. One strategy I learned was to notice when I am confused. Once that happens, I am to begin keeping a log of interesting behaviors and statements.
I started keeping a log of my interactions with a woman I started dating recently after I started noticing that I was confused with expectations. About a week ago, I aimed to end the relationship after noticing a pattern of deception using plausible deniability. However, when we met up to talk about it, she admitted to her behaviors and provided a reason for that behavior in the final instance that I was willing to excuse that one time because I acknowledge that sometimes I misinterpret social interactions and other people make mistakes too. Today, she demonstrated that pattern again. I was forthcoming and attempted to resolve the issue, but she was not meeting the minimal standards I had previously established to hold myself accountable. As such, I decided to terminate the relationship on my terms with a calm and respectful conversation that focused on my needs and desires.
While I’m somewhat sad that the relationship ended, I’m really happy with myself! I was able to hold myself to boundaries that I had established for myself. I feel a stronger sense of confidence that I can protect myself. I’m proud of myself today. Yippee!
PS - I think there’s a bigger meaning to me using the word myself as much in the last paragraph. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m thinking it may have something with establishing a healthier me.
Good, weaponize that autism. That is how I found out I was being abused as well, by documenting and finding patterns, then sharing them with a close and trusted friend, in part because my ex abused me so much and for so long, I lost every shred of self confidence, so I wasn’t even trusting my own mind.
We are not broken, we are just different. And we got to play to our strengths. I am truly proud of you and no matter what others might tell you, this is growth.
Thank you very much! I appreciate the validation and support. I was in a similar situation ~2 yrs ago to the one you described where I didn’t even trust my own perceptions either. I’m very proud to have made it out of that as there are two other men trapped in that family via marriage and kids. I am truly lucky to have made it out of that system. I think the only people that could understand that accomplishment are other survivors.
I agree. We are not broken. However, our differences make us vulnerable to predators, so we definitely have to engage our strengths to protect ourselves. Maybe we can consider making a list of strategies we can employ.
I appreciate the encouragement also!
man i would like to notice patterns too
[no dogwhistle]
In case you’re interested, this is my system:
- Notice when things seem off or odd. They don’t have to be blaring, confirmed, or have any sort of meaning. Just that you feel something is different, caught your attention, or you keep thinking about it.
- Jot that down in a note with the date. Include any information that you are thinking about. It doesn’t have to mean anything. You are just keeping track of your thoughts.
- Continue doing so until you see something repeated 3 times.
- Accept it is a pattern. Whether well-meaning, unintentional, etc., it is still a pattern.
Wonderful building of mindful attention and use of cognition to supplement where you lack in intuition. Beautiful work. You rock!
Thank you, and that comment rhymes very well!
Wonderful building
of mindful attention
and use of cognition
to supplement where
you lack in intuition